As you all might've figured, my family isn't exactly perfect. I was 15 when Alan told me that he was getting married, which wasn't much of a shocker there, but the thing was that, Kate and I were never really left alone, so I never really judged her. One night, Grandma and Grandpa were asleep and Alan was working Graveyard, I was binge watching Say Yes to The Dress, she came out of the bedroom and she asks,"My wedding dress was $700, who pays for a dress for that much?" Maybe the women who have worked every single day to provide for themselves, powered through all the struggles in their lives and they deserve that one day about them and the person they married,"Maybe they just want to have a Kleinfeld dress" She asked me,"Have you eaten yet?"
"No I've been contemplating about that for the past hour" She grabbed the phone and called for 2 Pizzas, one Meat Trio and one Cheese and a liter of Coke and Mtn.Dew, she hung and sat across from me,"So what is it that you want to do after Graduation?" For fuck's sake, how am I supposed to know here? Why do I always have to feel like I have to know everything that I want to do right then and there, I shrugged,"I dunno"
"Well what is it that you like doing? Alan told me that you like writing" I nodded and listed down of what I enjoy doing,"And dancing, acting and occasional modeling and editing"
"You're almost the whole package of being an Artist" I shrugged,"I just don't know if I'm good enough"
"There are ways like what college do you plan on going?" I turned down the volume on the TV and answered,"There is this school down in California called American Academy of Dramatic Arts"
"Okay" She nodded and I explained more then she seemed really interested in it,"That's good to hear"
"But I don't think I stand a chance to be accepted, these are kids who have had 5-10 years of experience in Dance or Acting, I've only started acting and dancing 2 years ago" She sighed and says to me,"Believe me when I say this, if you give it all you got, show them how passionate you are and they'll see that you belong there"
"But there's tuition, it's hard and I don't think I can come up with that much amount of money in just a few months. I'm not even from a family who can help with this"
"You can always ask your father" I didn't mind that he'd give me $50 or $80 or so, but this is over 50k,"I'm sure he would love to help"
"Really?"
"He's trying to find a place in your life Sabrina. There hasn't been a day where he hasn't thought of you" And that's where it all started, I've been in relationships where the guy has given me very little attention and I'd appreciate it, but they often say they can't make it, that's one thing I've noticed. These guys have treated me the same way my father has treated me,"And it's a lot easier said than done, he was going through a tough time where he actually didn't want to talk to anyone and unfortunately, that involved you" Yeah good thing anyway,"He still sees you as the little girl who ran into his arms when he came around" And cried whenever he left, it was a vicious cycle for a 7 year old girl like me to be jerked around like that emotionally,"But I know that you aren't that little girl, you are a woman. You were younger when you lost it weren't you?"
"13, was it that obvious?" She shook her head,"No, I just know that you might be experienced, it's okay, I won't tell him. I know he is still trying to make up for all the time he lost with you" When majority of my uncles and aunts have said repeatedly that I'm not going to be a little girl forever, he needs to spend time with me, but it was better that he didn't anyway. My mother taught me what I needed to know at a young age and especially my coaches,"Although he still worries about you and Blake"
"We're only friends, him and I have gotten close that we don't want a relationship to separate us" She nodded and says to me while readjusting herself,"I have a friend like that too, before Alan and I started becoming official, I used to sleep over at my friend, Aaron's place and he wasn't really that paranoid about it. Maybe deep down, Alan doesn't want you to make any mistakes"
"I won't make any mistakes"
"I know, you have some of your mother's qualities, but I can see why she doesn't date after being with Alan" That's the thing, she chose not to date, not because of Alan, she had me and she has seen my aunts have a revolving door of men and she didn't want to do that to me. She was able to juggle a 9-5 job while going to my Holiday concerts and Dr.Suess nights and tend to my seasonal cold. She knew she could do it and she was the woman that I could come to whether it was about Death, Menstruation and everything. Alan was very paranoid towards her, he cheated on her with different women and she put up with it, she wasn't holding him back from seeing me, he did that. She told me,"But just so you know, I'm not trying to replace your mother, she's the most irreplaceable person I've ever seen" Yeah she's very irreplaceable,"And I'll be fairly honest here Kate, I kinda don't see you as a stepmother, just a woman that my father married and I'm okay with it, I've been okay with it right from the beginning of you two"
"It's okay because I don't see you as a stepdaughter, you are Alan's daughter and if you need any help or advice which from my perspective of you, seems like you're going to be just fine" I nodded,"And I know your parents can't stop you from growing up and experiencing, but it's up to you to take control of your life" I nodded and thanked her. You know in the end, Kate and I found some common ground, we don't tolerate each other, we just see each other as regular people and she knew about my history, but it's a good thing that someone at least knows.
The rest of the time, I stayed in the house with my Grandparents and helped them reorganize and clean their photos, collections of Elvis Presley, Looney Tunes and some mini statues. My mother texted me around August 1st that she's on her way to pick me up, you know it was the first time in a long time that I was happy to see her, Alan and I went shopping around Rue 21 and I messed around with him that an outfit that didn't involve wearing an underwear and he put the outfit away that was for girls, should've seen the look on his face, he thought I was serious. We went to Applebee's, we talked and bonded the last time before I leave to go back home, I was going to miss Portland, I think it's mainly because that I wasn't going to be able to see Blake for a while, I don't even know how long. Alan, he missed out a lot and eventually he'll want to spend time with me and I don't even know how to explain that I can't see him as much as I planned to, but I prefer seeing my Grandparents more. So my mother and I met up, we hugged as if we haven't seen each other in years, we dropped my shopping bags off in the back of the car. I told her what happened and also that Alan cut down my curfew from 10pm to 9pm, safe to say that my mother was the coolest when it came to curfew. Mom and I drove back to Grandma and Grandpa's house, they began visiting about what's been going on in their lives as I was hauling my bags to the car, Grandma and Mom got some chuckles as I was watching Say Yes To The Dress, they were watching it for a bit and became interested then my mother made a comment about it so I kinda figured that she wouldn't want to watch it because I think that this show is my new addiction.
Leaving Portland was definitely....odd because I wanted to stay here...for Blake, I wanted to go back and stay here with him, but I've seen what it's done to my aunts who have done that, it wouldn't have lasted anyway, sure didn't for my aunts, so I don't think that God will make an exception for me. As excited as I was to go back to Seattle, I wasn't really at the same time because...I'd be back on the couch, back in school without most of my friends which has been something I've been prepared for years now, TV turned up for Volume 71 at 5am. This was the life that doesn't feel right with me, like it feels like I'm destined for something bigger, but I don't know if I deserve it or not. I've spent majority of my life sleeping on couches, I've only had 4 years of having my own room, not having any WiFi or reception, I'm only lucky enough if I can stay until 7 or 8pm in town then I have to go back and it sucks, especially being a half hour away from all my friends, I can't have as much fun with my friends as I'd like to or talk to them. Like I said, I don't know if I deserve American Academy of Dramatic Arts or the life of an Actor, but I want to try working hard to earn it.
Alan, it was hard that whenever you came around being Dad because for once, I felt normal that I'd have a Father who actually wanted to spend time with his daughter, but then I later on found out that you are an emotional vampire. I cried harder and harder whenever you left because it felt like you never cared, but my mother was there for me, she would always put on a movie that's my favorite to calm me down, care for me and the next day, I forget. You know, maybe you being hardly around was for the better, I'd rather be up on the roof fixing the tarp or learn to change a headlight or how to reboot the AC on a Subaru than sit around and eat fast food, being a Daddy's girl. My mother has taught me the things that a father could teach a son about repairing, what a father could teach a daughter about boys and self defense. You may be my father, but you can never be my dad; I've already spent too much of my life being heartbroken over someone who doesn't feel the same. I know I'm not your only daughter, but I am the one that's still keeping you in my life because I'll forgive, but I'll never forget to take it as a lesson: I should never be with someone who will constantly have excuses to not see me or anything compared to that.