When my Freshman Year ended, it felt really slow like to a point that I had no idea what the hell I was gonna do for the summer. I did go to my friends' houses, we did have fun and one day when I woke up, I walked over to my friend, Carmen, she had something to show me and I was excited to see what it was,"Swear to God, you aren't gonna tell anyone about this" I crossed my heart and she pulled a black tube out,"What is that?"
"Something you can never get in grocery stores" She pulled out a bong and a lighter, she put some of the green balls in there,"What is that? Weed"
"Damn right it is"
"Do you even know how to....?" She inhaled and picked her head up, finally exhaled the smoke out,"Oh yeah I do, wanna try it?"
"Yeah sure" She handed me the bong, my entire body was shaking on the inside as I was holding something that I was always curious about since I was in Middle School and now this was my chance to get a chance to see what it's like. As soon as I ignited the bowl, there was this burn going down my throat as I inhaled, my eyes were tearing up, she told me to blow it out and as soon as I did, it felt....amazing, words couldn't describe how I felt in that moment, it was like everything around me was disappearing, like how I wanted it to be, she had more and we took more hits. I texted my mom saying that I was gonna stay at her house because I didn't want to come back smelling like weed. Once I had that taste of rebellion, it was something I never wanted to let go, so for a while we were in her room getting high not giving a fuck about what's next,"Kendle said that she's got some and we can meet her at the park, wanna go?"
"Hells yeah" So we got ready and her sister, Camille asked where we were going,"Oh we're going to the park, we'll be back in an hour" She nodded and Camille asked me how I was doing,"I'm doing very good, how's it feel to be a Junior?"
"Well it feels very good I guess, how's it feel to be a Sophomore?"
"Honestly, I don't feel like a Sophomore"
"Just one of those feelings?" I nodded, I mean it's been feeling like I don't feel like I'm part of my class, I didn't know how to describe it then, but hopefully I was gonna be able to describe it soon
We went to the park and we saw her with a container, so we went down to the river and started talking as we were smoking, when we started walking around the park, it wasn't as strong as the one she first had me smoke, it just felt weak, but it kept me going, I guess that was all that matters. It was one of the highlights that I could never forget, it was definitely a feeling that I don't want to forget, it eventually became more addictive when I didn't get enough which was hardly, so I started to try dancing to get something like that, it really didn't work, but oh fucking well. When my Sophomore Year started, it was incredibly weird, I was scared of what was to come and I had a feeling that there was something that I would never forget. Eventually everything around me was overwhelming, it felt like everyone was looking at me and constantly judging me on my appearance like I was fat or what I was wearing doesn't suit me one bit, so I just started wearing a sweater and whatever goes with it along with converse, I became more insecure, I became more self-conscious and I hated that feeling, I wanted it to go away. One night when my mother was asleep, I went into the fridge and I closed it, I heard something clatter, I opened the bottom cabinet and there was Mike's Hard Lemonade, my aunt's drinks, I heard this chorus, like it was telling me that I shouldn't take it, maybe I should, maybe just a tiny sip, maybe take the whole bottle, she isn't gonna know anyway, she doesn't pay attention to me; maybe this could help me, maybe this is for the better; this is about as close as I can get to feeling better and not caring, so I just took a bottle and poured it into my bottle, I kept it stored it away underneath my bed, so she or anyone in the house would know about it.The next morning, I brought it to school to with me and so far, so good, no teacher knows about it, so that's a good thing to know, eventually some of my friends knew about it, mostly because I told them when I was buzzed, so I shared with them, my friends and I were completely buzzed throughout the entire day. As my Sophomore Year went on, I met this boy, Jasper, he was a Freshman and he was cute, him and I were almost compatible, personality-wise, we were able to talk to each other without making everything awkward, we were able to joke around, talk about anything and we were almost boyfriend and girlfriend, but there was one problem: This girl who was supposedly my friend knew that I liked him started dating him, so I kinda stopped talking to her because of that, she knew how I felt about him, but him and I still talked. As time went on, I slowly started getting worse, I started feeling worse, I started feeling shitty to the point that I swiped my Grandpa's cigarettes, skipping school just because I felt like it, but I was going to History class. I slowly started feeling like I wasn't good enough to the point that I was headed off to school, but I didn't go to school just because I didn't want to since all I was thinking,'What's the fucking point? No one seems to be asking where I'm at, it felt like no one was giving a shit where I was at
Basketball Season was almost here, I saw a flyer on the wall and it was about Cheer, come try out and I thought,"Maybe this is what I should do" So I told Camille about this, she agreed to come with me and that is what we did. When we went to the Practice Tryouts, honestly the cheers weren't entirely hard, it was incredibly easy, when I did them, it sorta felt like I belonged and I knew what my purpose was because back then, it was almost popular then, almost everyone wanted to do a cheer and it was amazing, I wanted to be part of that, it felt like it could be the start of something new. A week later, my anxiety was building up almost like crazy and when I got the results....I didn't get in, but Camille got in, the one thing she never understood then was,'How could I not get in?' At first she thought it was my jumps, the toe touch and the hurdler until later on into the Basketball season, she said that the Coach might be prejudice, but at that time, I was high as hell when she told me. I think at that time, I didn't really care about anything, not even one bit, all I cared about was when the next smoke session was gonna be. Carmen and I eventually started skipping school, we went to classes late, we made up excuses, we were out doing crazy shit together. I started bringing alcohol to school and one of my friends, Lucas was suspended from school for giving someone a Jack Daniels bottle and they ratted him out, so I couldn't see him for 2 weeks.
Eventually, as time went on, I came back to school because well...I gotta get that diploma, so I ended up going to classes, catching up, I stopped going when I found out that I was forced to go to Acting, I don't know it was weird, especially having to write your own lines and it was pressuring. I don't know why I had to go to that Class, I just wanted Mythology and I was stuck with Acting, I just had to go with it like I always do. Second Semester came around, which also meant that Track and Field was around the corner which I was excited about, I did my physical and all I had to wss register....with a parent, I asked my mother multiple times, I also didn't want to tell her about the shit that I was doing when I wasn't going to school, Track season came around and nothing, I was going to miss this season but this was my string of hope that I could hold onto and in the end, I wasn't able to do it because of my mother who didn't bother to do my Registration. I slipped after trying to be clean for 3 weeks on my own and I went back to my so-called friends when Track Season started without me, so I just did what I felt like I was destined to do: Get high and fuck someone I dont even care about.
Around late February, Jasper and I got to talking before him and his girlfriend broke up, we actually had a better chemistry than him and her. We hung out but his ex girlfriend started hanging around us, for him it was weird because he only wanted to hang out with me, so the next day we finally had a chance to hang out with each other and this other friend, Lee, he had a new game at his house so we couldn't turn that down, we did go. Lee started to get the idea that I like him, he just told me to go for it, you know what? I think at that point, I just didnt really care if he was going to break my heart or anyone for that matter, I think I was just too numb from my emotions. It was very cold that day, but there was sun, I had my skateboard with me to be the shade, he was actually very thankful that I brought it,"I have something to tell you"
"What is it?"
"I'll just be straightforward with you, I like you and I have liked you for a while now, I just didnt want to tell you because of Ellen" He shrugged,"Yeah.....erm, I'll say this too, I like you too"
"Really?" I said with a smile as I looked over at him,"Yeah I think you're pretty cute" So we got together that day and also had our first kiss
Like every couple, we skipped school, we got high together, we kept our relationship somewhat a secret, but also like every high school couple, we also find corners that we made out in. Our lunches together got longer, we were with each other almost every period, we also had a little fun in the auditorium. He pulled my oversize hoodie off exposing my tank top, he put his hands on my waist and for some reason, I twitch closer to him and he would do that more,"Sorry if I keep twitching"
"Its okay, I think it's hot" Things got a little more steamy when he pushed me lightly down on the floor, he left a mark on me and he would grind his hips against me because we didn't have any protection then but honestly, there is nothing more hotter than that because it's like you want to, but you can't so that is about as close you can get to having pleasure, I felt him come in his pants and he panted into my ear,"Do you want to do it?"
"Like all the way?"
"Yeah"
"Sabrina, I'd love to, but we dont have protection and I'm just not ready yet" I said to him quietly,"We can give each other favors"
"And what's that?" I smirked in the dark and I told him to lie down, we did it orally and it felt so good, I almost let out a sound,"This is way better than Math" He said to me with a satisfied smile on his face when I placed my head on his chest then I said to him,"This is way better than English" The bell rang and we had to go back to class to at least make an appearance. Then a week later, he was gone, I didn't have his number, his facebook or instagram because he didn't have any profiles made, so I couldn't contact, so Joey ended up keeping me company for the duration of his absence. Next school week came around. I saw him, we skipped 1st period playing games while cuddling, some occasional making out to messing around, he'd pull me to get on top of him and continue making out and around 2nd Period, he asked for my headphones to keep him busy and he would walk me to 3rd period,"Here you go"
"You are amazing" He kissed me when I went to Band, but for 3 days and what we did was get high and feeling up each other, even after school we went to Joey's house because he had the stuff, I lied to my mom that I was at Lee's house which was near Burger King and I was going over to Carmen's house for the night, but my mom ended up trying to pick me up but I walked over to Burger King which was hard trying to act like I wasnt high. After that I showed up to Carmen's house completely fucked up, Camille mainly took care of my munchies, made sure that I didnt say or do anything stupid and later on, I slept in Carmen's bedroom, we talked or I tried to talk then I didnt remember falling asleep then I woke up with writing all over my face, my socks and shoes were put neatly in the corner. The next morning I woke up and I thanked Carmen for taking off my socks and shoes, but her response was,"Dude you did that to yourself"
"Wait what? Nuh uh no way" She nodded,"Yeah you did that to yourself, Nat and I were just talking and then you got up while you were sleeping and took them off then put them neatly against the wall" I laughed at myself for what I did, it was the most weirdest thing I heard about myself and it was what happened a few days before my Sweet 16.
Jasper broke up with me on my Sweet 16, what a way to start my birthday off huh? I even invited him to my birthday party and he forgot about it, he said that he needed to focus on schoolwork, his home life wasn't very good, he wanted to stop smoking weed,he agreed that we could be friends with benefits, but as far as we got was talking about it, never really went through it. He stopped going to school, he still smoked weed, I guess he just didn't want to be with me in general, we only saw each other 10 days out of our 21 day relationship.
Jasper, you were my first rebellious boyfriend, everything that we did, it gave me a rush, was it the same for you? You made it seem possible that skipping was no big deal, every time I kissed you, my heart pounded so much, I didn't want it to stop....ever; every time we messed around in a place we shouldn't have done, we became invisible, no one saw us or heard us. The feeling you gave me each time, it was never enough, I wanted to be with you every single period of the day because it was never enough. You made me want you every moment of the day, every song I was listening to reminded me of you and the way you kissed, but not the way you treated me. I was so infatuated with you, I never really thought of how much you were gone, we never had each other's phone number, you were in love with the drug more than me and I am happy that I never said I loved you, otherwise it wouldn't have been real. You were such an amazing guy and it kills me to see which direction you're going in, I just hope that you find a way out before it's too late