As months passed by, we seemed like the perfect couple, it seemed like we were untouchable, like nothing or no one in the world could touch us, that was until the usual happens with every high school relationship: Rumors. I was struggling with Junior Year, trying to keep my relationship stable, grades up, but it was like everything that I was doing wasn't enough and I find out what Caleb did behind my back, the difference between girls and I was that, I let him explain and to see if it was true, but lately with what was happening between us. I was a complete mess, I did not know what to do about this situation, one of my friends came up to me before lunch,"Yo Sabrina, wanna go smoke up?" It was Letty, we've talked from time to time although he didnt know that I cleaned up, but fuck it. We went out to the riverside to get high, one of the guys snagged a trumpet mouthpiece to use as a pipe. I mean, don't get me wrong, drugs are cool and all, but once the party's over. There's always gonna be a part inside of me waiting for the next drug because it feels like, once you try it, there's no way of quitting, that's what I keep thinking. Most of us are just waiting for the next party to get fucked up, but I would be back to Square One. When I had my first bowl, it was that same feeling again, I knew that I was home again, I did this for myself, I never did it to impress anyone; all it was took to finally feel at ease was Weed and after smoking most of it, we went back to class, we were a few minutes late, but I knew I could still talk myself out of it. PE was my next class and it was kinda a struggle to work out while being high, so I ended up doing stretches since it was a weight room. I texted Caleb saying that I need to talk to him, of course it was a dumbass move especially the state I was in, he did go to school, but it was only for a half day so I still barely saw him and he barely texted me anyway so it seemed like this relationship wasn't going anywhere. It always felt like I only had my small moments of happiness and it would get taken away so suddenly during the relationship.
I went to all my classes because I gotta pass, but after that, I made a mental note to never writes while I'm high because I barely read it the next day, so anyways my friends kinda knew, they helped me out and after school, Caleb came to see me and he was having a stressful day and on the inside, I wanted to help him, ask him if he needs anything, but on the outside, I was smiling, hiding my pain away and not caring, "Sabrina, did you smoke weed?" He was resting on my lap and I nodded while not exactly giving a shit then the crash came, I was nauseous, tired and this happened on our 5 month anniversary. We talked when we finally had the chance to be alone which was a week later in October,,"What did you need to talk about?"
"Caleb....when was the last time you talked to Brianna?" He shrugged and shook his head,"It was months ago"
"Don't lie to me" He shrugged and said it again,"I'm not lying" I looked down,"Caleb, I know about the conversation you had with her last week" I said as I looked up and he started breathing heavy as he looked down because he knew I caught him and it was true,"I could yell at you right now, I could be angry with you, I could've been a bitch to you, but I didn't" He looked up at me as he was tearing up,"Why?"
"Because I'm not that kind of girl, we are old enough to keep this civil, why did you sext her?" He shrugged again,"I don't know"
"That answer doesn't apply to the question, I need to know, am I not giving you enough? Am I not good enough for your sexual needs? Am I even not enough for you?" When he instantly hugged me tight.....I wanted him to let go of me, I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I didn't want to be touched by him after what he's done, I wanted to walk away....but it felt like he needed me,"Why did you text her? You still didn't answer my question" I wanted to cry, I wanted to walk away so badly but it felt like in the moment, he needs to see the expression on my face to know the pain he's caused,"She threatened me" He told me that he's had a bad past but I don't think that this is one of those things you need to know, but it still felt like it didnt justify his cheating, he wanted to hug me again and I backed away from him,"It'll take you a long time to regain my trust in you" He nodded,"Caleb, we just need to put in a little more effort in our relationship, I'm always the one waiting for you, I send the first text and maybe you can take the reins a little because we are 50/50 on this" He nodded slowly, I didn't know what to do after that but my mom texted me that she was waiting for me,"I need to go, my mom's waiting" I grabbed my bag and he said to me,"Can I have a kiss?" I stopped and looked over at my right shoulder, shook my head,"Its going to take a while before I can let you and the sex....I dont think it'll happen for sometime now, not after what happened" Camille texted me after, she kinda knew what happened and she just wanted to know how I was doing
Text Conversation
Also got some good news to brighten up your day -Camille
What is it? -Sabrina
There's gonna be tryouts for Basketball season in a couple weeks -Camille
Thank you so much for telling me, I cannot wait-Sabrina
Text Conversation Ended
"Mom I told you about these Basketball Cheer Tryouts weeks ago, you said that I can go!" We were arguing at 5am and she was putting her shoes on,"I changed my mind, you aren't going" I exhaled sharply and said to her,"If I don't go to these tryouts then I'll never know what would've happened" Yes I would know, I would probably slip back and lose all hope for my future because this is my only chance,"What's going to happen when you don't get in again huh? You gonna mope around like you did last year?"
"If I don't get in, then I hope you'll be happy" It just slipped out of my mouth, I wanted to cover my mouth for saying that to my mother, she walked by me and before she walked out the door,"Hurry up and grab your stuff" Good thing we tend to argue quiet. My grandpa and cousins didnt hear that, it was the quietest 30 minutes of my life, it would've been 15, but with traffic happening, it just made things complicated. The longer I was in the car with her, the more my anger was fuming. Every time we stopped at a stoplight, I wanted to get out and start walking to the nearest Starbucks or Cafe and just stay there until it was time to go to the school for tryouts. When we got to her workplace, I had to get out and normally she would hand me her keys but since I was going into town, I had to get out before she tried to talk to me, I also needed to say something to diffuse the tension,"I'm going to get McDonald's, I'll text you when I get to the school"
"Okay" I was pissed at her royally, she was the only person I thought I could count on for support, the one person I always looked for in the crowds and the only parent I can always count on, the one who always rooted for me when I was in Wrestling and Track. But this is what's going to get me riled up to push myself, I don't want to blow this, I'm not going to choke, this is one of my once in a lifetime opportunities, I plan on abolishing stereotypes. At this time, you couldn't be a label on me because I became more than they knew, I always said that Stereotypes was just another word for Judgement and I wanted to show everyone around me that I was no longer that girl that skipped to get high or drink or smoke anymore. I did not push myself in flexibility and coordination for myself to be held back, this is the path that is calling out to me, I don't know why, but my intuition is telling me to take and damn it, I'm going to. I'm not trying out to impress the boys or show my ex what he's missing out on, I want to do this to motivate myself, inspire others that if I can do it, they can do it.
So I did convince my mother to let me try out, but didn't want to tell her that I've done a lot of bad shit before all this and she let me, I would just have to wake up at 5am and go to work with her and wait for the shuttle. I called the shuttle and the bus driver knows me very well enough that I'm not rambunctious like the other kids my age,"So how's your day going?"
"Its going pretty well, I'm trying out for Cheer, I'm very nervous about it" He was really friendly and he was very sociable, he told me about his times in Football and Wrestling, when he dropped me off, he wished me luck and his name was Daniel. It was a Saturday, the practice tryout was at 10am-12pm, I got Starbucks, I showed up the Gym with a Skateboard, Air Jordans, track shorts and sweater while my hair was still in layers so it was somewhat hard to put my hair up in a ponytail. I was the first to show up there, the coach was slightly intimidating, she looked like she had a whole lot of experience, she smiled introduced herself and handed me a packet. I changed and a week before the tryouts, I stretched and pushed myself little by little, I was nervous to my core and I was willing to give it all I got. When I got out of the locker room after I changed, I waited for the other girls to show and so far, the only girls I knew was Camille, Taryn and Kendall. We had to learn a dance so I knew I had to put my coordination to work, it was anxiety all over my body, I didn't want to mess up every movement, this is the path that I've been told to take
A month later, we were back on track and one of my closest friends, Ana then asked me how things were going between Caleb and I,"It's going pretty good" It wasn't really, he wasn't talking to me as much, it was like I was no longer part of his life,"Yesterday, he sent me these photos of himself" My heart stopped,"Doing what?"
"Nothing really, just him posing and he said that his phone was acting up" I nodded and I wanted to cry, but this normally wouldn't bother me but she showed me the conversations which was he was talking to her more than me then it slowly felt like I was becoming a sex doll than his girlfriend since he doesn't talk to me about this type of stuff that he's been talking to Ana about. I told Caleb if he wanted to hang out before practice, he said sure and only sent memes, I knew that maybe this relationship wasn't going anywhere, I couldn't believe I had to have this talk again,"Caleb we need to have that talk again"
"Okay"
"Is there something going on between you and Ana?" He scoffed lightly and shook his head,"No, there isn't" I was fiddling around with my fingers and his phone vibrated, he didn't pick it up,"How come Ana knows more about your life than I do? I'm not saying that you need to tell me what is going on with you, but for her to have a photo of you and your little sister by the pool instead of me? I just feel like it's not making me be a part of your life, it just makes me feel like I'm just your escape from reality, like a sex doll"
"But you're not, Sabrina. You're my girlfriend" I sighed,"We just need to communicate more Caleb, I want to know what's going on with you, what your life is like and to also experience that moment with you" He never said it back to me so I knew right then and there, it couldn't go on,"Why did she have those photos?"
"My phone was acting up"
"Even the ones of you posing" I can tell that he was in complete shock, it seemed like he wanted to lie to me, he always did say he had a silver tongue,"The photo of you and your little sister was from 2 weeks ago, was it acting up then?" He shook his head as he looked down,"Caleb, I'm not going to hurt you like your previous ex did" But he's hurting me, the more I felt like I needed to stay for him, the more it was killing me. Like I have all these chains pulling me to the ground more, he told me that if we had broken up then, he probably wouldn't be alive and that was when it started happening.
Him and I broke up in February because since he wasn't in High School anymore, I didn't want him coming back to High School. We talked during my 5th Period,"Caleb, I don't think we can be together anymore"
"What do you mean?"
"Caleb, you're an adult now, you've graduated and I can't have you coming back to High School for a girlfriend when you should be out there finding a job. WIth Track Season coming up, I don't think we'll be able to have time for each other like we have now" He nodded,"I'll wait for you Sabrina, whatever it takes" I didn't want him to wait for me, if there's one thing to know, opposites do attract, in this relationship, I was more of a realist than him,he was a dreamer. I wanted to tell him so many things, but this was the best way to spare him the pain. Last I heard was in my Senior Year, he was dating someone younger than me, it wasn't surprising at all. He never waited for me, he got a part time job and Ana stopped talking to me because there was drama stirred up that she started and I kept Caleb out of it. Since that time, I despised Ana, I never wanted to talk to her again, after the way she treated me and called me names, I wasn't even going to wait for her apology, even when she was begging to apologize. After everything that happened, my focus was on Track and Grades since that time
Caleb, you were my childhood crush and I know no one can ever change that. You were my Scott McCall, a boy who had rugged good looks, who went after the good girl who could possibly get everything she wanted. But I think it's time to find my Stiles Stilinski, the man who is loyal, protective, the man who is silly in his own way, who is also a realist and who knows what he wants. You were everything I wanted in a high school boy, but what I want in a man is so much different. I saw you in my future, I did, but I ended up being your bulletproof vest. I did everything I could in my power to keep you happy and breathing, I didn't want to be the person that hurt you severely. I cared about you, but I don't think I could ever love you in a way that someone out there will in the future, someone could fulfill your needs and your wants. Maybe you don't have to be so private with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe we were untouchable, but we were also invisible from the public eye and from our families. We may have been passionate like Romeo and Juliet, but eventually one of us is gonna want to find our Mr. Darcy or Elizabeth. Now I'm only doing what's right for us and the way we were, it wasn't good for both of us. You told me I was your drug, but eventually you'll either have an overdose or you're going to want to clean yourself up and I'll be the first to go. I did love you, I did everything I could to be with you, to talk to you and in the end, I was the only one that waited for you the most. I fought to keep our relationship alive and strong, but it only gets harder and harder when the other person isn't doing the same thing. I wanted to marry you, but I knew I can't throw away my future for a boy, I've seen what it did to my family, I don't belong in this town. There is something bigger than both of us, I know your future will be amazing and as for me, I don't even know, but I'm going to do what I was born to do. I stayed by your side because I only wanted to remember the good times more than the bad times, I wanted our relationship work, but we were in different places, the only common place we will ever have from this moment on is platonic love. I do care about you, I'm not going to blame you or get mad at you because with us, I don't think we were only meant to be together, but to be in each other's lives. I did say that you were like a puzzle piece, you still are, you are part of a puzzle piece of my life and what's the point of a puzzle if there's one or two missing? It would've been uncompleted in the end and what I said about First love at 16, there are some people out there who are lucky enough to make it last
Thank you Caleb Brown