After that horrible night with my mother, I chose to avoid her at all costs, I wanted to tell someone, but I was also afraid of what my mother could do, so I lived my day-to-day life without telling anyone what's happening. Jim stopped coming around, so he basically consider himself no longer part of the family. Every day of my Sophomore year, it was a blur, all I can remember is partying, sex with Jonathan and whatnot. Dani plans on being a Veterinarian, but she'll have to go to community college and then go to a vet school, I think it was nice that she got her life together in time for Graduation. Jonathan and I have been slightly distant, even when in my moment of need for him, it was like he wasn't in love with me. Yvonne and I went out to this lookout point at night and took a couple of 12 packs; Juliet, Gretchen and Dani joined along, except that Dani was our designated driver,"I don't know you guys, it feels like Jon and I are just…..poof" I say to them then I took another swig, Gretchen responded,"C'mon, you two are amazing for each other, I've seen how the other girls look at him and envy you for having a boy like him, he's like Harrison Ford, but with blonde hair" She began giggling,"Can you even imagine Harrison Ford with blonde hair? Thatd be wild" She downed that Heineken and toss it into the trees below us and stumbled back to the van, Dani said to me as she walked over,"Hey…you know maybe it's better if you talk to him, I mean you two have been together for over a year, you should probably be at the stage where you two can talk like adults" Emotionally, I believed her, but physically, I scoffed and jumped to conclusions,"He doesn't love me, I don't think he ever did, he only found someone that he can use as a plaything...and I loved it" Because it was the physical touch that always gets my heart beat rising,"I've seen the way he has looked at you, he's in love" I wanted to believe her, Juliet walked over,"Have you ever just want to just scream at the top of your lungs, rip your top off and just show the world? I mean, that is how we all came into this world, buck naked, but as soon as we grow up, it's considered public indecency" Here we go with Juliet's empowerment,"I say we should yell,'Fuck the rules!" She yelled as she took her top off as most of us were laughing silently,"Who the hell cares!" She waved her hands around and jumped as she was flashing all over Brooklyn,"I say we surprise the boys, they're down at Reggie's" Yvonne suggested when she was sitting on the hood of the van, still on her first bottle, she had her moments of casual drinking, some days she's a fucking party animal, other times, she's just really mellow, Dani looked over at me,"That sounds like a good idea, what do you think?"
"Why the hell not?"
"Oh shit, do you guys have an extra T-shirt or something?" Juliet stumbled over with her boobs hanging out as we laughed and I handed her my denim jacket,"Clearly you did not even think that through" She nodded unashamedly and agreed with going to Reggie's
We picked up more drinks thanks to Dani's fake ID, we brought it over to Reggie's, we knocked on the door and heard footsteps coming to the door,"Hel-loo ladies, welcome to mi casa, drinks over at that table, the coke from my old man is over at the kitchen counter and the weed, down in the basement so my folks won't smell it" He was clearly fucked up, his robe was open, exposing his boxers, a few people from the school were here, his emotions were almost delayed or suppressed by the substances and alcohol,"Yo Reg, where's Jonathan?" He looked around with a confused look as he scratched his head,"Ah I have no idea, I haven't seen him for 20 minutes, maybe he went home" I nodded slow as I walked away from him and my friends to go into the basement,"Can I have a hit?" The group opened up and handed me the bong, one of them gave me a lighter after I asked for one, 10 minutes later, I took more than 3 hits because maybe it felt like I deserved it, not in a rewarding way, more of a punishment. I think the party for me was over, all the alcohol mixed in my stomach along with the marijuana was something that my stomach couldn't handle. I walked back up and went upstairs to go throw up in the bathroom, no one there to hold my hair back, no one to assure me that it'll get better when I know that it won't get any better than this. I don't know, there's something about marijuana that is keeping me calm and the alcohol bringing out who I really wanna be, also at the same time, it feels like rock bottom. When I stopped throwing up for one fricking minute, I heard noises coming from the other room, bed squeaking, hand hitting the wall; I got up, flushed the toilet and went over to the sink to wipe the vomit from my chin and cheeks, I looked at myself in the reflection and saw the bags under my eyes that was developed when I was puking, the tears that dried up on my face, yep I looked like shit. I washed my face and dried it off with a hand towel,oh god my head was starting to throb, my hearing was getting distorted that I needed to go into a private room, I walked in sat on the side of the bed and turned on the lamp. I laid down and turned to my right and fell off the bed,"Oh my God!" I got back on my feet and backed up to the wall seeing Jonathan mounting this girl on the other side of the bed,"I can explain babe"
"Babe? You told me you and her broke up" She had her head turned and pulled away from him. My entire body is going through levels of shockwaves,"I am so sorry" I was repressed due to the weed and alcohol, so I just turned off the light and walked downstairs, struggling to gain every feeling in my body, but my hearing came back a little that I can hear Jonathan calling out my name, I looked for Gretchen, Dani, Yvonne or Juliet, I was stumbling until I found Gretchen playing Beer pong, I accidentally tripped into her body,"Hey you okay?" I nodded then that was all that I remembered because I passed out.
My eyes began to flutter open and I was on the couch with an ice pack on my head, I looked around to see where the fuck I was at, I began hearing voices,"Gotta pick these bottles up….." The sunlight peeking through the curtains were giving me a fucking headache, if only I had covers to block it out, so I turned over facing the cushions and I felt a push,"Leave me alone"
"Rise and shine" I knew that voice, it was the sound of a boyfriend trying to pretend he didn't do anything wrong, I turned around and saw his smile,"Morning beautiful" I got up and slowly shook my head as I was backing up behind the couch,"Don't ever call me that"
"What?" I scoffed,"You goddamn know well what" He sighed and walked around the couch, I was furious with him, all that repression from last night was coming out, he was trying to follow me and I went upstairs in that same room,"No, explain to me, what did I do?" He followed me in there and I slammed the door,"You fucked another girl last night when you thought I wasn't here!"
"What are you talking about?" I groaned at his innocence,"Don't play dumb Danford, I know and I saw you fucking her from behind. I may have been smoked and drank but I know what I saw" He looked down and at up me when I was close to the door, he was on the left side of the bed,"So what if I fucked her? That didn't seem to bother you when we did that together that Spring break. Seeing you scissor that girl was a turn on, especially when you were touching yourself when I was fucking her hard and rough" He pinned me to the wall,"That was different Danford, you did this behind my back"
"Okay" He pushed me to the edge of the bed and pulled down my pants and panties, he was panting as he unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers, he had his hand on my neck, as he was stroking himself to get hard, his mouth was close to my ear,"Behind your back huh?" He rammed into me and I screamed, he covered my mouth,"Please...stoo….." He never stopped, I was crying silently,"Jon.."
"That's right baby, say my name, that girl from last night was loose, but you're so nice and tight" I shook my head and finally said it as he was thrusting into me,"We're done"
"No we're not, I'm not done with you" I nodded as a lump was forming in my throat,"Yes we're done, now get off!" I pushed him off my back and shoved him into the desk behind him with his dick hanging out and I pulled my pants back up,"We're over, Jonathan"
"No one is going to love you the way I have" I shook my head as I made my way out the door,"This wasn't love, what we had wasn't normal"
"You ain't gonna find someone better than me" I got out of the room, shocked by the fact that he took me without my permission, Dani got out of the bathroom,"Hey are you okay?" I looked over at her and tears began to form,"What is it?" I cried and Jonathan came out,"She's playing victim, don't believe her" I groaned and it just felt like this was hard to process that he cheated on me and then he goes and tries to fuck me without my consent,"You took advantage of me Danford, after you fucked someone else last night. We're through and leave me alone" I said out loud that our group heard and they were shocked by what he did to me,"You're dead to me Danford, now leave" He adjusted his jacket,"Fine, I'll have you know that when we first fucked, you didn't seem to mind when I took you and my parents liked the other girls more than you" My heart dropped drastically and the others heard him,"Get out asshole and don't ever show up back here!" Reggie took charge and slammed the door,"Goddamn it, I didn't think he'd….." He was gesturing angrily after he slammed the door, I went to sit back down,"He probably did this the entire time we were together, unless that was the first" I think I was getting my first heartburn, Frankie went to go cook something in the kitchen and Gretchen turned on the TV,"I thought he really loved me" I said softly as Juliet massaged my shoulders.
As much as I wanted to say how I felt, but all I could think is that what Jonathan said to me is what made me feel bad about myself, like now. He made me feel like I'll never be good enough for my boyfriend's parents, god I was so stupid to even think that he actually cared about me. He wasn't who I thought he was and in the end, he made me feel like I could never open up to anyone who I care about and always prepare for the worst. It's guys like Jonathan and Rodney that's going to make me feel like I don't deserve anyone who'll treat me more decent than them(Just like what Cameron and Caleb did to me)