That day, Tracey didn't come to our meeting place. I never imagined that I would feel so lonely, even though I was always alone writing my novel before. She became a special existence in my life before I knew it.
At that time I thought 'So this how it feels to be lonely huh...'
It was not like I didn't love someone before, but it was always a one-sided love. I was really happy when I found a girl who seemed to be interested in me and understands my interest.
Before, I never thought that eating alone outside was pretty boring. I couldn't write at all.
Bored and without imagination, I finally decided to go to the Cafeteria once in a while.
Usually, I don't pay too much attention to my surroundings and make sure to not cause trouble to anyone. However, that time my eyes was wandering around unconsciously, searching for a certain silhouette.
The cafeteria was crowded as usual and I didn't even know what I wanted to buy there.
"Mmmm let's get a coffee..."
From afar, I heard some loud voices and laughs and it sounded like they were having fun.
"Hahaha, it's really peaceful with Tracey after all... I can't really concentrate if I write here hahaha."
I was talking to myself while reminiscing my peaceful day with the beautiful and soft-hearted Tracey.
However...
'Tracey?'
My heart ached and I froze while standing, as if I was struck by lightning in the middle of the North Pole.
The scene before me broke all of the images that I had of her inside of my head.
That soft and delicate way of laughing, her quiet and distant face, her cute smile. I didn't see them from this person, a different person was in front of me.
Laughing hard with her friends, she was cheerful and more fierce.
More importantly, the hands of the guy next to her were holding hers. She was so close to him but her friends didn't find it weird at all.
I was angry, sad, helpless. These various feelings are bottled up inside of me. I was scared, I felt like I will be rejected again.
The first thing that came into my head was 'Is he her boyfriend?'
She saw me and our eyes met, but she just ignored me and that hit me harder.
My heart ached. I didn't know what to think so I just returned to my classroom.
I couldn't concentrate at all and just spaced out.
'That was Tracey, right? Who was that guy, her boyfriend but she...'
I couldn't finish it because I didn't know anything about her at all.
'Hahaha, of course, she had a boyfriend but that guy looked like a very bad guy with these piercings and tattoo. Or is he kindhearted on the inside?..... Aaaaaa...Why I am like this? I guess I like her... Or not....'
I realized that I had a special feeling for her but I didn't know what to think anymore.
I was scared to know more about her because I had already that image of her that I didn't want to broke.
I was confused, and for some reason I felt pathetic, remembering about the guy.
I was lost in my thoughts.
"Are all right bro?... You look more zombified than usual... Did you have a fight with your D-e-a-r Tracey...."
"....."
"Oh... I see... Talk to you soon Raise..."
Luke left quietly as if he knew everything.
I was in a bad mood for some reason and I couldn't even smile properly at work.
My mental damage was worse than I thought.
This happened before too. I am always overprotective and get jealous easily but more worse I have a hard time moving on. I knew that because it took me 7 years to move from my first crush who brotherzoned me.
I clung on a small hope until the very end, but I didn't regret it at all.
However, this was a different matter. The option where she wanted to test me existed and she always made it obvious that she was interested in me, or so I thought.
I thought about it constantly even when I went to sleep.
Finally, I decided to face the problem head-on but I choose the worst way to do it.
Me: Good evening (^-^)
I send the message at 9 pm but no answer.
'She is already asleep? But it's marked that she is online...'
I felt very uneasy and impatient...
Then at 10 pm, she answered.
Tracey: hi (*´∨`*)
I was already half-asleep.
"Mmmm...."
I forgot about what to say, even though I prepared it for hours.
Me: How was your day? (´･ω･`)
I felt really stupid but the message was already sent.
Tracey: I had fun with my friendsΨ(≧ω≦)Ψ Sorry I couldn't come today (´∩ω∩｀)
Me: Don't worry:), I saw you at the Cafeteria today, that boy who sat next to you, Is he perhaps your boyfriend? (∂ω∂)
I asked casually as if I was joking.
She saw it but didn't answer.
'Is she asleep? So He was really her boyfriend after all...They don't look good together...'
I felt uneasy again. I don't know what kind of answer I hoped for, at that moment.
Thirty minutes later she replied.
Tracey: No he is not my boyfriend LOL :D, I never had a boyfriend before. He is just a good friend (o^∀^o)
I was a little happy but that answer made me more confused and I began to ask more questions inside my head.
'If he is a friend the what am I?' I wanted to ask that but hesitated.
I was very disturbed by the fact that a guy was touching her, but she said that he was a friend so I didn't ask.
Me: Oh I see... Well, I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight :)
No reply again. I just slept after that, and my head was full of thoughts.
'Maybe it's natural to do that... And I am just overprotective... But I don't want my girlfriend to do that though... But she isn't my girlfriend..."
Yes, she wasn't my girlfriend so it's very awkward to ask that, and I don't have the right to tell her what to do. She is kind enough to listen to my story after all.
However, my heart ached and I couldn't sleep well.
When I checked my phone the morning, I saw a message from her.
'She replied?'
Tracey: Goodnight ( ͡°❥ ͡°)
However, it was sent at 1 Am.
I was naively happy again.
My thoughts were running wild and I couldn't concentrate at all in class.
As usual, I sat on that bench when the lunch break came. And again, I hoped for her to come.
'Really... What's wrong with me...'
I left out a big sight.
"Hi, Raise..." Ah, that soft voice. It felt like I didn't hear it for a decade.
Today too, she sat casually next to me. She was like usual, cute and soft.
I forgot about it all, and she didn't talk about it too.
'She was testing me... It seems...' These thoughts crossed my mind for a second, and I regretted thinking that later on.
"We are going to read the next chapter today, right? I'm really excited...haha." She was cute. Beautiful!
"Ah yeah... [Cough, cough]"
I read it again that day too. Peacefully, the two of us spend the lunch break together and I hoped it will continue forever.
However, even though I knew it I pretend to forget about it. Yes, the fact that I didn't have luck with women until now, I pretend to forget these depressing days, these tears while pretending to be arrogant and prideful on the outside. Hilarious, despite crushing for that girl for seven years, I didn't talk to her for around five years.
In consequence, on that certain evening to I kept my composure even when I witnessed my crush in the arm of a guy in front of my eyes.