How do you know that you love someone? Is it Because you feel great when you are with that person? Because your heart race when they talk to you and your face become red every time they are next to you, then you constantly think about them?
Of course, these are facts.
However, I knew that I loved her because it hurt. Yes, It hurt more than anything.
It hurt because I couldn't do anything about it and it hurt more because I was myself.
I probably imagined the worst at some point but witnessing it happening in front of my eyes was a different matter.
That's why I didn't even think about it when I went to work as usual that day. Maybe, I could have handled the shock of the thought crossed my mind.
Tracey didn't come to our meeting place that day too. Even though I wanted to talk to her and prepared all night to the point that I didn't even get enough sleep.
'Why didn't I go to see her though?' Yes, the problem was simple but I couldn't solve it easily and I knew why, but I didn't want to think about it. I kept dodging the real issue like a typical coward's main character in some romance story.
"Hey Raise!!!!.... too bad we didn't have class this afternoon...hehehe..." Luke talked with a cheerful voice and his face didn't seem to be bothered at all.
Luke was annoying as usual that day too.
"Yeah... I guess I will go to my part-time job then..." I stood up and took my bag.
Luke just stood there looking at me with these annoying eyes. "..... Let me treat you a pizza..." He said with a sad voice.
"What's up with that pause??!!! Don't look at me like that!!!!" I yelled. I had the feeling that he was pitying me for some reason.
"Don't worry about it, I am your friend after all.." Luke replied with a smug on his face. It was annoying.
Yes, the thought never crossed my mind because I went to eat pizza with Luke before going to work.
"So where do you want to go?" Like asked.
"Mmmm... As long it's near to my workplace anywhere will do.." I replied indifferently, I was just glad that I will eat some pizza once in a while.
"Okay...okay...okayyyy"
"Stop it's annoying..."
Of course, I agreed because of the food.
Luke brought to a nice place and we sat comfortably on the seat next to the window.
"Mmmm... I guess we will get the maxi four seasons deluxe pizza..."
'What was that? An incantation?' I didn't say anything though.
"So... How was it?"
"Mmm? What are talking about?"
"I am talking about that girl..." Luke became serious all of sudden.
" Well I couldn't see her today, but I will certainly talk to her tomorrow..." I sounded like I avoided the question.
"Well how deep is your love for her?"
Luke asked a serious question, but I didn't think too much about it at all.
"Well..."
"Will you become a simp in order to earn her love?"
"What are talking about, you are a little weird today..." I became uncomfortable. I was not used to talking about that kind of topic with him.
"That's the only way for you to continue to love someone like her... No matter what she does, can you still love her? Unconditionally? You should have realized by now that she is not the type of girl who will stop doing what she wants just because you love her..." Luke added.
I was irritated. I raised my tone suddenly.
"What are you talking about????!!! of course I-..."
Seeing Luke's eyes that looked like they saw through me, I stopped and couldn't finish my last sentence.
"You are right... I don't know if I can do that, but it still hurts... I don't know what to do anymore."
I quickly realized that the problem was me since the beginning. I loved her at some point but didn't love her enough to sacrifice my pride and my ideal image of girlfriend just to chase after her.
In my head, I unconsciously thought that it wasn't worth it.
I hesitated the moment I saw her with that guy.
'She is a slut right?' That thought crossed my mind but I just ignored it, maybe because I didn't feel close to a girl like that for a long time. I wanted our time together to continue, but I didn't have enough courage to face that reality. I was repulsed by it and I hated these thoughts. However, I couldn't possibly hate her nor deny my love for her.
It was just hypocrisy.
"Well that's something for you to decide, but let me tell you like this... Tracey is like any other human with emotions, she is even more human than humans and she must have sacrificed many things in order to stay that way..."
"...."
I didn't understand the words that Luke said at that moment but I just stayed silent and kept looking at the water inside of the glass in front of me.
After that, we ate the pizza happily and Luke reverted to his usual self, spouting some random weird jokes and annoying.
After that, we talked about him and his fiancee. It seemed like they are happy together.
We separated near to my workplace after we finished eating and he went home.
I worked hard as always that day too. Giving out my best smile face to the customers. I somehow liked my job; being a waiter at a family restaurant wasn't bad at all.
I was a hard time finding a part-time job, but one day my mother helped the owner of this restaurant so he hired me when I asked. I was really thankful.
I always want to give my best when I work. However that day...
"A table for four please..."
How can I describe the feeling that I felt at that moment? I don't know, because I never felt like that before. I felt like I was being made fun of, irritated, angry, sad, and helpless. These feelings were mixed together inside of my heart that it made me feel sick.
'Tracey?!'
"Hey Raise, what are you doing, don't just stand there and go ask what they want..." My coworker reminded me. I had to go serve these customers.
Thinking about what Luke said, I just stood in front of them, smiling awkwardly.
"Welcome, can I get your order... "
Four people, three girls and one boy. It's inevitable that one the girl will sit next to the boy but why? Why it must be Tracey?
More importantly, what was the arm of that guy doing behind her. I was wondering about what she told me.
"Hey, Raise..." Tracey's voice was so cheerful that I couldn't recognize it.
"Haha... Do you know him?" One of her friends asked and they all glared at me. Talking about uncomfortable situations.
"Mmmm... He is just an acquaintance..." Tracey replied
'What?' Yes, I asked myself 'what was that?'
"Hahaha, you are friends with many guys after all..." His friends laughed at her answer as if she was known for being that way. "Hey don't say that Jacob will be jealous you know hahaha" One of them added while looking at me with sympathetic eyes.
"Jealous? Me? Of course not, She and I are just friends...Right, Tracey?" Jacob smirked at me as he groped Tracey's breast from behind with his right hand.
"Hahaha... For God's sake don't joke like that Jacob..." Tracey was laughing as if it was a small joke well pushing Jacob's hand from her breast.
Cough, cough! "Can I get your order now?" I asked.
"Oh yes..."
'What the hell is this...' I kept asking these questions inside of my head while looking awkwardly at them. ' So this is reality huh...hahaha'
My mind was blank...
"So this is all.."
"Yes.."
"Please wait a minute then..."
'Hahahahahahahaha' I just laughed in my head. 'Hahahahahaha'
Of course, I didn't return to that table anymore. Like hell, I will.
I just took a glance at them, taking sneak peeks at the two of them flirting.
'Hahahahaha... Let's study when we get home... We have a test coming soon after all hahaha' I thought.
I finished work early that day. I kept making mistakes that day and the manager asked to go rest.
'Hahahahaha, walking in the evening is really nice... hmmm it's refreshing...'
I arrived home early too.
" Welcome home big bro..." My lovely sister was waiting for me.
'Ah this is nice...hahaha'
"Ah Raise, the manager gave you something for me?" Mom was cheerful as usual.
"Yes, he gave me this package.."
'Hahahahaha... My mom borrowed some money again... hahaha I should really focus on my study now..'
The three of us ate together, and then two of them laughed when I talked about Luke and his nonsense joke.
I took a shower then went to sleep.
Then it came. That single message.
[Tracey: Hi :)]