That evening I got a single message, and all of the mixed-up feelings inside of my heart burst out.
[Tracey: Hi :)]
I just kept starring at my phone. Tossed it on my bed then picked it up and did that at least five times. Why? I didn't know the reason but I was just angry.
"Hahahaha, is she making fun of me or what?"
The scene from that morning kept flashing back inside of my head. However, I still replied.
Again, that time too I chose the worst way to convey my feelings.
[Me: Good evening...]
[Tracey: I was surprised today, I didn't know that you worked there...it's amazing (●^ ^●)>]
She replied instantly.
Irritated, I showed my frustration in my messages. I was more pathetic than I thought.
[Me: That guy is your boyfriend after all... Why did you lie to me...]
[Tracey:...Hahaha, no Jacob is just my friend and he likes doing small jokes like that...Don't worry about it :)]
"Hahahaha, small jokes huh..."
At that moment, I didn't know what to say so I just showed more frustration in my messages.
[Me: I really don't like it when you are with that guy :(]
[Tracey: why?]
'Because I love you... At least realize that...' Without realizing it, I fell into a more difficult situation.
[Me: You don't look good at all together and he keeps touching you like that. Are you alright with that?]
[Tracey: Ok... Whatever...]
'What????'
That answer was so random that I didn't know what to think about it.
I felt more frustrated, I wanted to know what people do in this situation but I couldn't ask anyone. I really realized that my lifestyle was flawed at that moment.
[Me: what was that? I am worried about you, but you say that to me!!!! Aren't you concerned about what I feel at all...]
'Stop, what am I doing, stop....' I knew that this won't solve anything at all but I was blinded by my emotions.
[Tracey: why?]
'What? The reason, do I need a reason to be worried about you...' Again, I wondered about what she thought about me until now.
Me: That's because I love you... I don't want you to flirt with some guy... I don't like it... But what do you think about me?
Conflicted, I write it inside of a message without a second thought. I regretted it.
'I did it... yeah, in the worst way possible...I am the worst... But at least everything will end now... Just hurry up and reject me'
I crawled on my bed, waiting for her answer. My heart raced so fast that I could hear it in a quiet and darkroom.
[Tracey: I don't know...]
Again, I was shocked. I was conflicted about the meaning of that answer.
'What is this...Of course, this is what you get when you confess on some cheap message but it still hurts...' My eyes became teary.
My view became blurry and I couldn't see the phone clearly.
There were two choices at that moment. At least that's what I thought. Persisting or give up.
I chose to...
[Me: So do you have me then?]
[Me:*you hate me then?]
I didn't know why I persisted at that moment and then I remembered Luke's words.
'So this is the beginning of my transformation into a simp huh.... ha..ha..ha..ha...Really love is troublesome...' I laughed at myself.
I wanted to forget about the day where I struggled because of this feeling. 7 years of unrequited love was more than enough for me. I wanted to live my life for myself and it went well. I didn't feel lonely and I had friends that I trusted.
'How did it come to this again?'
[Tracey: No I don't hate you...]
I had my hope high again somehow. I was really pathetic, I didn't even think that I was desperate about her.
[Me: Then do you love me?]
Again, no answer. I waited but she didn't answer.
'What? Does she love me then? But...what is this, I feel like she is playing with me...But for what reason? Does she have grudge against me or what?' I kept thinking about it, but I couldn't find an answer.
'I should talk to her...' The frown on my forehead showed how much I thought about it.
However, everything already fell apart at that moment.
I decided to sleep at 2 am, because there was no answer in sight.
I went to school the next day, with a frightening face due to the lack of sleep.
I was unmotivated and depressed, frustrated, and conflicted but more importantly confused.
The weather was gloomy too and for some reason, the mood was very heavy.
The class was weirdly boring, even though I never felt bored during class. Sometimes I was sleepy though.
Considering the weather I assumed that Tracey won't come to our meeting place. However, somewhere deep inside my heart, I hoped for something else.
I went there, convincing myself that I need fresh air.
Luke didn't say anything too, and that was weird in its own way.
"Fuu... what am I doing? Really I don't even know myself..." I sighed.
I felt anxious again because a certain girl sat on the bench that I usually sit on.
Yes, it was Tracey and I took place quietly next to her.
She was using her phone and didn't look at me at all.
'Is she angry... but why did she come here if she was... I don't understand her at all...'
We just sat her there quietly without saying anything. Then at last I broke the silence and said the words that I needed to say for a long time.
"Tracey, I love you..." I thought that everything will end when she rejects me.
"Yeah, I know....and that's not good at all..." Indifferently, she answered with a small voice.
I couldn't hear what she said in the end.
"Sorry, I couldn't hear you, what did you say?"
I wanted to make sure that she rejected me. Pathetically, that's what I could think at that moment.
"Hey, Tracey!!!!" Her friends came.
Abruptly, I stood up and left quietly.
'Stupid, stupid what the hell am I doing...' My heart raced as if it will explode with a little push.
'I am really a coward without backbone .....This is the end, this is the end. Really how did it end like this....'
I turned and took a glance at Tracey and our eyes met but her smile at that time gave me chills.
I never saw that face of her. She looked like a person who wants everything. The smile of someone who is never satisfied but wanted more and perversely turned on by that feeling. I couldn't really explain it, but honestly, it was frightening.
I returned quickly to my classroom.
'Who was that?' I thought I saw an illusion and I went with that. 'There is no way that Tracey will smile like that right....' Or so I thought.
The weather worsened the afternoon but I didn't get a call from work.
I rushed quickly to my workplace as soon as afternoon classes ended.
However, when I arrived there, the restaurant was closed.
'Did they forgot to call me...'
I went to the staff room from the backdoor just to be sure.
I knocked at the door.
"Sorry, is someone there?"
Someone opened the door. It was the manager.
"Oh come in Raise"
He invited me to sit on a chair nearby and served me some tea. It looked like he wanted to talk about something. I was puzzled.
'Did I mess up with something? Will I get fired...But what? When? Nothing comes to my mind...' I was nervous and nothing came to my mind at first but then I remembered the day when Tracey and her friends came to this place. I realized something, but I wondered why the manager wanted to talk about it at that moment.
He sat on a chair in front of me, and he had a serious face.
I gulped my saliva, due to the pressure.
"So, what is this serious matter that you want to talk to me Raise?"
'Mmmmmm? What is talking about? Serious matter?' I was surprised and lost.
"Uhm Uhm sorry but I am a little lost here hahaha..."
"Don't worry, your mom called me this morning..."
'My mom? Why did she do that?' I didn't understand what was going on. 'Was she worried because of the money....' I began to wonder.
"Sorry manager it seems that there is a little misunderstanding...hahaha I will talk to her for now and I will see if I really need to talk to you or not... Really, sorry I am a little lost too..."
"Hahaha... so that's how it is, don't worry I was just wondering about it... Your mom sounded really serious during the call after all...I thought that you wanted to quit..."
I was glad that the manager was a good person.
I promised the manager that I will tell him everything after I talk to my mother.
'What going on? Why did mom call the manager without telling me? Weird...'
My phone rang at that moment, and it was the signal of the beginning of the hellish nightmare.
I picked up the phone "Hello...."
"Hiiii... Raise..."
A cold voice, that I recognized.
Shocked by what the person said, I ran to my house, to our house. I ran to see the smile of my little sister. I ran to hear the voice of my mother.
I ran with all of my might, I ran even when the rain fell hard and the thunderstruck loudly and brightly in the cloudy sky. I ran as if my life depends on it.
Then...
I opened the door.
Panting and drenched I stood at the entrance of our little apartment.
My heart raced and continued to race. I trembled and had a cold feat. The scene in front of me was so unreal that I wished for it to be a dream. My voice trembled and I lost all of my strength after I ran quickly. I couldn't move well.
"Ahh, what is this hahaha, this is a joke right hahaha what is this hahaha..." My tears couldn't stop...
"Please tell me that this is a prank... Mom doesn't do a joke like this...you got me worried for a minute there..." I was scared.
However, it was too real to be a simple joke. Everything too much for me to handle. My heart was really torn apart.
"Don't move or else she will die too..." Again that cold voice, with cold eyes.
"Blood? This is blood right... Mom, get up this is not funny anymore... I will be angry if you continue this charade..." My voice continued to tremble as I slowly walked inside.
The wall was covered with blood. The place where my mom used to stand and prepare the dinner was covered with blood. It was so disturbing that I threw up.
It was real, I couldn't even imagine what happened there. My sister was tied on a chair and my mother was right in front of her, lying on the floor covered with blood.
My tears wouldn't stop, I trembled more and more.
"I said don't move..."
I stopped because a gun was pointed at the head of my little sister.
'My sister witnessed this atrocity?'
The blood from mom's body was flowing all around the floor.
"What is this... Tracey, you bastard What did you do..."