That evening I was thinking about Tracey again even when I slept. The darkness made me feel relaxed and I thought that I began to think efficiently.
I took a deep breath.
"Fuuuuuuu... It's time to face reality..."
My feelings were in a mess for a while now so I needed to gather my thoughts.
First I needed to determine the feeling that I had for her, that's where it all begins.
'Do I love her?...'
That was the first question that I need to face honestly because everything will be all right if I didn't love her in the first place.
'I am not very experienced when it comes to love but all I know is that you just want the person you love to look only at you in a special way... However, all of these years I never met such a girl...'
At that moment I realized something.
' Tracey didn't show her softness to anyone... Am I special?' I began to have some hope again.
'When I'm with her, I want to do anything to make her smile... If that was not love then what was that... Friendship? I don't want especially to make Luke smile though... But I want Tracey to think that I am cool... This feeling must be love right... I even changed my hairstyle and bought some clothes and sneakers...'
I remembered the moments we spend together and realized something.
'Tracey was always dressed nicely like an idol... But I wonder why was she there that day... She is always with her friends so why is she always there when lunch break comes... Did she go there just to see me...' I smirked again.
However, something was missing, something didn't feel right. I was just happy to see her so I never asked anything about her and all we talked about was my novel.
'What kind of girl is she?' I was really stupid, how did I forget about asking about her.
I realized that even at that moment I was just selfishly thinking about myself.
I never asked her if she liked hearing about my stories because she was always smiling. She was always there so I never asked why did she come there to talk with me. I just assumed that it was normal.
I never asked her if she liked talking to me. I even thought that I was special to her just because she was so close to me when we talked.
"Aaaaaaaaa....stupid...."
I screamed in the middle of the night. I realized that I was more childish than I thought.
'In the end, this is a one-sided love again huh... I thought I learned some lessons after these 7 years....' I was stupid, and that's just the beginning of my stupidity
'Come to think of it she never initiates the conversation, I always sent the first message and today I didn't... I was always talking about myself after all...'
More than anything the fact that she was flirting happily with the other guy upset me.
I realized that I loved her.
'I didn't really care about girls after I moved on from my crush... But now I need to learn about Tracey... Aaaaaa...' I became impatient because some guys are more friendly with her than I was.
'Let's look at her past publication on her account for now... Geh! I sound like a stalker...'
I was surprised, her publication was different from what I imagined. Her account was full of photos of her and some boys at some party. The more I looked the more my heart ached.
'This should be normal for a young girl right hahaha' I laughed dryly.
At that time she posted a new photo, wearing the same clothes that she wore when at our meeting.
The guy who flirted with her the other day was in the picture too. It said that they went for a photo shooting but there were two other people in the photo, a boy and a girl embracing each other.
I realized that our time together was nothing special and I was the only one excited. Her face on that photo was more cheerful than when she was with me.
I wondered if she pitied me because I was alone or something, I didn't like that thought at all and I didn't want that to be true.
That cute voice, that soft smile, that beautiful and delicate gesture, I wondered what these were all about.
Finally, it crossed my mind 'Was all of that an act...But for what purpose, and why did she have to herself to do that in front of me...'. Yes, these questions that I didn't want to think about.
'What I am doing... It's not like thinking like that will change anything...'
I felt frustrated, the thought of inviting her out never crossed my mind. I was happy with the progression of our relationship.
'Should I have acted more aggressively and hold her hands too or invited her on a date...'
However, I wasn't that type of guy and I always believed that these things are only for couples.
I wanted her to be comfortable around me that's what all I thought when I was with her.
'Was I wrong... Nowadays something like body touch is common but I just don't like that idea when I don't know about her feeling..'
I was angry but I don't know about what, because there was nothing wrong.
'What is he doing with her... She said that she doesn't like him but what is this, isn't this a double date...'
The guy commented on the photo.
[Jacob: we are beautiful baby( ͡°❥ ͡°)<3<3]
[Tracey: Thanks ( ͡°❥ ͡°)]
The kiss stickers bothered me.
[Jacob: come PM<3]
[Tracey: Okay <3]
Again, I was frustrated. I saw that she didn't use these stickers became I was special or anything.
Frustrated, I sent her a message. My pride was all over the place. I just wanted to prove that I was special so she will always answer me. I was desperate.
Love is really painful sometimes and I realized that again.
I realized that I was the one who wanted her for me alone.
'Is that wrong...I love her so what?'
I knew that nothing good comes from unrequited love and even if you confess it's not guaranteed that your feelings will reach her. However, at that moment I just wanted to feel that I am a little special in her eyes, a childish thought.
[Me: Good evening :)]
Of course, there was no answer.
'I am always thinking too much...Everything should be simple so why do I feel confused and complicated... Really, what does she think about me? And more importantly how come that I love her this much?... All of this is just my delusion? When I thought that her action suggested that she was interested in me... I need to know... I want to know...what is she thinking...'
The more I thought about it, the more my heart hurt and I realized that I cannot think efficiently at all. I just realized that I love her but I didn't know what's the problem, nor how should I solve it, and more importantly if there was a problem, to begin with. At some point, I just fell asleep.
That day I didn't want to see her for some reason so I stayed in class. I felt really pathetic, my pride is too big so I didn't want her to see me like that but I couldn't even admit that honestly.
"It's rare to see you here at a time like this Raise..." Luke's voice made me feel relieved for some reason.
"Oh, what's up Luke..."
"You know...The Girls won't approach you if you have this kind of face, so smile... Smile..." Luke put his fingers on his cheeks and made a big smile by stretching them.
".....Fuuuuuu" I left out a big sight.
"What's up with the big sight?"
"Well, somehow everything seems complicated in my head..."
"Mmmmmmm... Is it about Tracey?" Luke was sharp as usual.
"..."
"Hahahaha... Really? Did you confess to her or something? ...hahaha"
"Well... It's not like that but... Hey Luke, what kind of girl is Tracey?" Awkwardly I asked Luke.
"Well... Even if you ask me that, it's not like we are close or something... I thought that you guys are very close but well... She is always fixated on her phone...She looks like she is always chatting with someone...Well I don't really know but she knows many people even from the other department... Especially guys...You didn't know?"
'What?' I was surprised, I never saw Tracey using her phone when we were together and more importantly 'she know many people?'. That explained everything and really I was disappointed in myself.
I just assumed that she is a quiet girl because she didn't talk much with me.
'Does that mean that I am not interesting....' Again, I began to think negatively.
"Really? I didn't know that..." I replied normally but honestly, I was quite shocked.
I was stupid, ignorant, arrogant, and self-centered, maybe that's why I never had a lover until now. That thought was pretty depressing.
"Yeah... I was surprised when you talked with her... Really I thought that the gloomy Raise became a man...hahaha... So what's the problem?" I wondered about what he thought of me before but I didn't ask.
"Well, you see..." I decided to tell Luke everything.
"...And now I am in love with her but I don't know what she thinks of me... And she said that she said that she doesn't have a boyfriend but I didn't like the idea of her flirting with the other guys..."
"Hmmm, that's pretty normal... You think too much... Well, that's one of your charms, and it shows that you take it seriously but at a time like this, you need to talk to her more than thinking... In my opinion, she is the type of girl who wants to be free and not tied down by some kind of relation but she is a human with feeling too and maybe she really likes you but these types of girls are really troublesome... Well, all you can do is ask her... Nothing good will happen even if you think about it..."
For once, Luke was serious and it made me feel like I can depend on him. Honestly, it felt a little creepy though.
While listening to Luke, I felt more relieved.
"Thanks, man, I guess I will talk to her...."
'Yeah, I need to talk to her before thinking about it...but what if she doesn't like me?'
I was happy that I talked to Luke. He is a good guy but he just annoying sometimes.
Luke and I continued to talk before the beginning of afternoon classes. He said that things are going well between him and his fiancee. I was worried about his behavior though.
I thought about everything Luke told me and decided that I will talk to her the next day.
Then I realized 'Isn't that the same as confessing though?'.
I needed to prepare my heart. Our relationship will surely change after all, for the better or the worse. In the worst scenario, I cannot talk with her anymore, and I was scared of that. However, continuing like this will be probably more painful.
As usual, I went to work that evening too and I didn't think for a second that that worst scenario was around the corner.