Out of body experiences suck balls, they are worse than nightmares. At this point I would welcome one. My only solace was when I could sleep, but even then, there were times I could not sleep. I was a shell of myself anymore. Phillip's attacks became more verbal after one night he realized I could take the 300lb burley man down. I guess he forgot the school taught us self-defense. When he was not shouting how worthless I was, Dean was criticizing me on my look or when I talked with Eli. I had my licenses and became Dean's chauffeur. I am fairly sure one night I took him to a booty call.
I felt something when I thought about when the end of school year approached, it was fear. Fear of so much, fear of Phillip, Dean, what would happen while at home or if I could hide there all summer. I did not even notice that I was digging and picking at a scratch.
"Millie? You okay?" Eli's gentle voice broke my thoughts. I looked into his eyes and could see concern.
"I'm fine" I stated as I looked to his curly hair and saw a leaf sticking out. As I reached out, I chuckled. "Did the park bench comfy?"
Eli smirked "was like sleeping on cloud 9 but seriously, you're picking at a bloody mess." He pointed to my arm.
"Yeah just nervous about grades." That was such a lie.
The next words that came out of his mouth created a crazy path that I did not think was possible. "I got something that can make it go away." His eyes screamed that he understood everything without another word.
What was this warm feeling entering me? It was not happiness because months ago I deemed I did not get that. It was almost calming. It was a relief, blissful relief. I could only nod in agreement. He sat next to me; it was then I realized I was in the cafeteria at school. I do not remember how I got to school but I did not. Eli opened his bag and showed me that he was in the same boat as me and needed ways to help him. All I could do was stare and did not think when I was grabbing the small bag of white powder.
"No sweetheart, I'm not wanting you dead. I want to help with it all." His hands gestured to all of me. "So, we'll start small. Take these Valium when it is too much. After school take me home and we'll talk."
I only nodded and popped the pill. Robot Amelia took over for the day and honestly blissful Amelia was in control. Who was I Kidding drugged up Millie was lose and was not going back? You know I can pinpoint the beginning of my failure. It was not when I popped the pill or when Dean left, it was when I created the first excuse started.
After school I sat with Eli and confessed everything to him, well except the baby. I just could not admit that. It hurt way too much. I would rather go through a heart break than feeling that again. He only hugged me and placed a kiss on my forehead. He let me sob and get angry to just let it all out, but it was never enough. Once I had calmed down, he confessed the changes in his life. I was not expecting Eli to admit to me that he caught in drug dealing with his dad. I did not ask why but I knew it was touchy to him. He was in the same boat I was almost. I cannot lie there was some curiosity in what got him in this situation.
"If you can help me with it all then I can help however you need it." I almost did not recognize my voice.
"Sweetheart this is dangerous beyond reason and I really hate seeing you hurt. I don't expect anything from you in return." His face was full of worry and fear.
I did not respond but just accepted his embrace. Where the fuck was my life going?
Time flies when you are having fun! Well maybe that is the drug, yeah definitely the drugs. I had managed a robotic routine and honestly it depressed me to say only two people noticed. Mandi and Eli that is, Dean knew but did not care. If I came running when he wanted sex or something else, it did not matter.
Every morning I would pop two valium and some Tylenol; then it was followed by six during lunch. Shortly after acclimating to the concoction it was all of that plus Codeine and pot at night. Occasionally nicotine was a must or even some alcohol. No matter what I took, or did it was not enough, there was always this pain. I would scratch, pick, and dig into my skin to make sure the drugs were working. If I could feel, then I needed more. I had felt like I was drowning in endless pain, no matter what it was not enough. I could not get my head above the thick black murky water.
"Hey bitch!" Mandi greeted me one morning walking into school. She had bags under her green eyes. Her messed up band shirt and sweats made it look as if she just rolled out of bed. Not lying she probably did. Between her, Eli, and I we were a big ball of sunshine. I had learned months ago she was cutting, some girls in the lower classes had mocked her body. Why? I have no idea. I knew of her issues and she knew about my drug issues, as well as Eli being my enabler. "Have you applied for colleges yet?"
"Fuck no, I'm trying to see if my scholarships could be pushed to spring." I grabbed that door and walked into the school. I barely registered the temperature changes; I only sported a sweatshirt since I did not feel shit. Iowa winters had nothing on me. What it is winter? What the fuck? When did winter hit?
"Dude it's February now! You think they will allow it?"
Fairly sure my brain said its own slew of cuss words before I spoke. "Fucking ass! It is February?! When the fuck did that happen?"
"Miss Hart!" Shouted Mrs. Green, my choir teacher. "Language or it's detention."
"Yes Mrs. Green! Sorry!" I looked back at Mandi as we walked to our lockers. "I didn't realize what month it was." I seriously had no idea what month it was. How did I lose so much time? Why can't I remember jack shit? While I was raking through my mind on how much time I lost it saw a glare from Mandi
"Dude maybe you should cut back on your 'to do' list with Eli"
At some point, as I think back it was during the summer, Eli and I made a list of things we wanted to try. We were beyond high and finished a stupid movie, I think it was a comic book movie or whatever summer hit it was. Thinking back more we did this during the summer to avoid our teachers. I thought to myself. We wanted to try all sorts of different drugs together to see how well the mixed, this resulted in a list. Eli and I always sampled what his dad had so we could provide details or what we felt. We were his personal reviewers, so good one Amelia you are at the bottom. Not to mention that when I was high, which was most of the time, I would fuck Eli. Oo Amelia was no longer a prude. Stupid inner voice. If I were not high or coming down from whatever, Dean would message me whenever he wanted sex too.
I ignored Mandi and opened my locked to put my books in. "I'm good Mandi. I haven't hit bottom." Lier!! You are at the bottom and just going further.
We discussed the impending winter storm that was labeled as "Stormagedon" being 2010 no one had dealt with what the forecasters were calling for. If there ever was an irony of life this storm was it because it was going to be a shit storm this weekend, apparently my life would be too. The week had dragged horribly, and Friday was the beginning of Hell. Seriously the storm was the definition of my life because Friday evening Dean texted me
Dean: Hey Millie, I have had my fun w u. I think it is time we move on. I just cannot stand it anymore. I do love u but not like before.
I was drowning before, but I was now at the point where holding my breath burned your lungs. Hours had passed, I missed dinner because I explained my parents that I had homework. They did not even question about my behavior, despite being doped up I would even notice when my child was being a robot. I sat on my bed looking at the snow that began to fall. It was blanketing the family farm and for once I felt nothing, not even the valium in my system. It was peaceful, the darkness that had fallen with bright white snow that blanketed the ground. A call from a family friend pulled me back.
"Hey Beth! What's up?" I cheerfully answered, fuck it was so fake too. Well, fake it until you make it.
"So, I kind of ease dropped on Dean having a phone call. Honestly, I want to kill him." She was feisty when she was pissed. I could hear her take a breath before she laid it on me. Beth explained how Dean called Lea, a good friend of ours that moved to a different school years ago, but we still hung out with our families. It was the one good thing from my family, Phillip liked to play a façade in the public eye. Apparently, he had told her that I was officially out of the picture, he had been dating Lea since we started this mess. Not only that she was five months pregnant and he proposed. I did not really respond to Beth just mumbled a thanks. I chocked back the tears when I did thank her. What was wrong with me?!
My lungs ached because I was drowning more.
Some point in the night my parents began fighting, apparently over me because my name was mentioned many times. The words from a man who was supposed to be a father to me, well on paper at least.
"Dawn she's useless and won't amount to shit! Why do you even bother?"
Her lack of response hurt even more then his words or even Dean's. Oh yeah, I was over this shit. I did not sleep at all that night. I had watched the storm get worse, metaphorically, and literally. The snow had turned to ice and coated every little thing. It looked almost like fossils but with ice, everything was preserved from something that was so beautiful and yet dangerous. I turned my little boxed tv on to roads were shut down, traveling was banded, and cities were losing power. I had never thought so clearly on how this was exactly like my life. Before I knew it, my feet were moving.
I took a shower a hot shower, almost where it burned off your skin. It felt amazing as if I were washing every little thing that had gone wrong in my life. I grabbed my black sweats and white tank; I saw no need to get all decked out to go nowhere. Brushing my hair, I went looking for my notebook and cell phone. A switch had turned on and there was no stopping me. It took me all day to put it down into words that I was drowning and no one fucking cared. The two friends I had were in the same boat as me almost, but I had gone into the deep end and had no intentions of coming back up. As I walked into the bathroom next to my room, I investigated the mirror. The person starring back looked nothing like me. She was a shell; her eyes were sunken in and her skin was covered in scabs. She was still chubby but still looked unhealthy. A smug look came across my face, people thought so little of me, so I will show them all. I grabbed the unopen bottle of Aspirin, some of my mom's migraine medicine and went back to my room.
You would think that one would be scared about the next moves, but I was not. Despite drowning in pure darkness, there was nothing. I was walking into the nothing and did not want to stop. I started on the pills taking a handful like it was candy, knocking it back with my water bottle. I watched the wind blow, barely moving anything as the ice stopped it all. I grabbed my phone and sent one last text to HIM
Me: You will not have to worry about me anymore
Dean: Millie what do you mean?
I did not respond and popped more pills. Each one reminded myself why I was doing this. Once I was done, I laid back and accepted the longing darkness. The peace I wanted from it. I welcomed it with open arms and slipped into that darkness.