Wade Wilson stepped out of the magical world and into the actual world. The mercenary stepped a little bit off to the left and sought out an old friend. He needed to return with Lockhart. And he would, although Deadpool could not necessarily mean that Lockhart would be in one piece. They would have to see.
Deadpool stepped into the magic kingdom of Canada and looked around for a few seconds before waiting for something to break. The loud sounds of something going on in a bar nearby made Deadpool's senses tingle. He walked down the stone pathway and towards the front entrance of the pub.
A loud scream and several of them stampeded out of the bar. Deadpool stood back for a minute to allow the dust to clear before stepping into the pub. He viewed a sight which was all too familiar.
Logan, better known as the legendary Wolverine, slammed back against the ball with a loud growl. The dark haired scruffy mutant with claws and a bad body odor rose his hands up and looked up towards his enemy. The enemy charged him with scruffy hair, a wild bear, a trench coat, a white shirt, and a pair of jeans.
'Victor Creed, better known as Sabretooth,' Deadpool narrated. 'He and Wolverine have been at each other's throats for years…even before the Weapon X days.'
"Fine, you want some!" Logan yelled.
"Yeah, I finally got my hands around your throat, runt!" Victor yelled.
The two of them slammed through the tables and sent glass flying. Deadpool did not know what the hell started this latest dispute. It was just when the two were in sniffing distance of each other, they were about ready to throw down.
Deadpool picked up a pool cue dropped to the ground and swung it. The pool cue cracked over Sabretooth's head to dislodge him from Wolverine. He turned around with a huge hideous growl on his face. Deadpool stepped back with his eyes widened.
"You!"
Sabretooth charged Deadpool to get him down. Deadpool dodged the attack and whipped out a cannon. He fired a cloud of bubbles at Sabretooth which staggered him back.
"You've got to be kidding me," Wolverine said. "What the hell were you thinking?"
Sabretooth grabbed Deadpool and hurled him over the counter. He slid down the entire counter smashing bits of it before landing down at the edge. He slammed down onto the counter with another growl.
"I've been waiting for you this entire time!" Sabretooth yelled. "Do you realize how long I've waited? After what happened in Toronto, did you really think I was going to let that one go, Wilson?"
"Yeah, and your breath doesn't smell any better," Deadpool said. "Look, I need your help….I'm on a job and looking for someone."
Sabretooth's own curiosity got the better of him. The sadistic mutant released from Deadpool's throat. He fell down onto the table and started breathing.
"What have you gotten yourself into Wilson?" Logan asked.
"Wait, you two aren't beating the hell out of each other? "Deadpool asked. "Is this like that cartoon with the sheepdog and the wolf, where they're only enemies when they're on the clock and good friends when they're on the clock, or something?"
Sabretooth and Wolverine could come to terms on very few things. The one thing they could come to terms on was Wade Wilson had been very obnoxious. Wilson held his head up.
"What are you doing here, Wilson?" Logan asked. "What the hell kind of trouble did you get yourself into this time? And why do I have a feeling you're going to want to drag us along for the ride?"
Deadpool smiled. "Well, it all started over twenty chapters ago."
Severus Snape did not intend to be Filch's assistant caretaker. Still, he would have to make the most of it. And he would do a good job. He had one tool which Filch or Wilson did not have. He had the wand and the ability to perform magic. Snape figured no matter how hard the mess, he would have this castle shining so good you could eat off of the floors.
"I'll take this, Severus."
Dumbledore removed the wand from Snape's hand which caused him to stagger a bit. Snape opened his mouth.
"What's the meaning of this, Headmaster?" Snape asked.
Dumbledore broke in with a jovial smile. "Well, you said you would fill in for Professor Assistant Caretaker Wilson. And to properly fill in, you will need to get into the spirit of the matter. That means you will have to clean this castle without the aid of a wand or without magic."
"What about if…."
"Severus, my dear child," Dumbledore said. "You will be able to collect your wand from my office. And maybe you can have a lemon drop if you were a good boy and cleaned the castle."
Given Dumbledore's attitude over recent years, Snape did not even want to know what his lemon drops were laced with. Snape feared for the Headmaster's sanity and if he did not pledge his service to Hogwarts for the rest of his life, in exchange for Dumbledore vouching for him at his trial, Snape would have tendered his resignation.
'Some days, I think Azkaban might have been the better option," Snape said. 'Well, the fool forgot that I could perform wandless….'
A click indicated a pair of bracelets came around Snape's wrists. His thought paused as he noticed what looked to be a pair of fuzzy looking handcuffs, only not linked together. Dumbledore gave him a smile and patted him on the head.
"Almost forgot you can perform magic without a wand," Dumbledore said. "Therefore, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put those inhibitor cuffs on you...I used those for alternate purposes during the day, you know."
Dumbledore's eye twinkled. Snape did not know. Snape did not want to know. Albus Dumbledore's sex life was not his or anyone else's business to be perfectly honest.
'Okay, it's just cleaning,' Snape thought. 'What could go wrong?'
Peeves the Poltergeist zipped in and poured a bucket of rancid milk over Snape's head The Potions Professor's lips curled into a snarl as that nasty poltergeist zipped off into the shadows laughing like a madman on speed. Snape would have loved nothing better than to take his wand and perform any number of creative curses to the Poltergeist. Only, he remembered, Dumbledore took his wand away.
'Damn you, Dumbledore!'
Wolverine crawled on the ground and sniffed at the air. The sample of hair gel Deadpool gave to him held a very agitating aroma. The man took a couple of steps off into the distance and drew a deep breath. He could smell that nasty hair gel, how could he not?
"He's close," Wolverine said. "Not sure if someone like him could survive out…he's out in the backwoods."
The sound of banjo music echoed in the distance which put Deadpool on edge. Sabretooth snarled and clawed at the air. He moved closer down the path.
"I swear," Sabretooth said. "I'm going to find out who is playing that stupid banjo and shove it up their ass…."
A girly scream came from the barn. Deadpool raised his head in the air as a figure came into the distance. A figure with a messy Mohawk and only a few teeth dressed in overalls with no shoes stepped in. Disgusting mold grew on his toes and feet. The man staggered into position and almost collapsed down to the ground. Wade blinked in surprised and he could not.
"Get back here, love muffin! It's time for your sponge bath!"
"Gilderoy?" Deadpool asked. "Yay, I found you..."
Deadpool picked up Lockhart and received a face full of Lockhart's breath which smelled like a combination of onions, vomit, and cheap booze. Both Sabretooth and Wolverine stepped back from the man and growled.
"You!" Lockhart yelled. "YOU!"
Lockhart pulled a screwdriver out of his hip pocket and charged Deadpool. Both of them scrambled with each other with Deadpool restraining Lockhart all of the way. He got out of breath when trying to fight out the Mercenary. Lockhart threw him down to the ground.
"This is all your fault!" Lockhart yelled. "This is all your fault…."
"Hey! You rascals better get your hands off of my man."
Crystal Meth stampeded forward towards Deadpool and rose her arms into the air. The large hillbilly lady got into a sumo stance and tackled Deadpool to the ground. The Merc with the Mouth went flying into the pig slop. The pigs moved over and started to lick Deadpool as he thrashed and slid in a pig in slop. He coughed with a hideous attempt to rise up and then dropped down onto the rock. Deadpool collapsed into the pig slop and the breath had been knocked out of his body when he dropped down.
Wolverine raised his hand up and the woman held a large hoe. She screamed in agony and swung it. Wolverine sliced the claw out, and Wolverine grabbed her before pushing her down onto the ground.
"Calm yourself," Wolverine said. "We've just got to pick up this guy. He's needed back at Hogwarts."
"Hey, get your mitts off my sister."
Billy-Bob stepped into the picture wielding a shotgun. He fired a shot and knocked Wolverine on his ass.
Deadpool wiped himself up for the pig slop and Billy-Bob held the shotgun up. He held his gun up as well.
"We're going to have one of them Mexican standoffs boy," Billy-Bob said. "So, what do you got? Are you lucky punk? Tell me, are you lucky?"
The Mercenary pointed the bubble gun at the shotgun. The two fired, with Billy-Bob nailing Deadpool with a shot blowing his head clean off of his shoulders. Deadpool's decapitated head flew off of his body.
"Ah shit, not again," Deadpool grumbled.
Sabretooth stepped over the fallen body of Deadpool which did a crab walk.
"Warmer!" Deadpool yelled. "Warmer….now you're cold…you're more frozen than a nun's vagina now….okay warmer…warmer…warmer…you're hot…you're on fire!"
Billy-Bob watched Sabretooth walk over and grab a huge jug of wine. The redhead's teeth gritted. "Hey, git your damn hands off my booze."
Sabretooth jumped in the air and knocked Billy Boy down onto the ground. He smashed Billy Boy head first into the ground and grabbed him around the head before tearing at his face.
Wolverine grabbed Sabretooth around the head and pulled him off. Sabretooth smashed Wolverine in the face and the two of them started punching each other again. Sabretooth grabbed Wolverine and hurled him through the face.
Crystal Meth pulled herself up to her feet as Lockhart tried to crawl underneath the fence. The large hillbilly woman grabbed Lockhart around the heel and dragged him off like a caveman. Lockhart screamed like a pig stuck underneath a gate.
Deadpool held his head onto his shoulders and fastened it to his shoulders with duct tape. The Mercenary patched himself up and cleared his throat. Crystal Meth turned around and stared down the mercenary. Deadpool lifted the hand which was not holding his decapitated head firmly on his neck for the international sign of just bring it. The hillbilly woman picked up a horseshoe. The two circled each other, ready to fight.
"Hey!"
Wolverine hurled a chocolate cake into the air. Crystal Meth screamed like a banshee and rushed through the cake, diving for it before it. The woman dropped down onto the ground and drew in a couple of deep breaths. She ignored Lockhart in favor of saving her precious chocolate cake.
Everyone's favorite Defense Against the Dark Arts Assistant Caretaking Merc propelled himself high into the air and curb stomped Crystal Meth directly into the face. Chocolate cake flew into the air after Deadpool drove her down onto the ground. Sabretooth staggered back to get caught with a face full of cake before Wolverine punched him down.
Deadpool staggered back to celebrate today's flawless win over the woman and reclaiming the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, the regular one, as a token of his win. Lockhart whimpered as Deadpool rendered him completely unconscious and take him back to Hogwarts.
Severus Snape smelled of numerous foul odors and not the ones that he normally smelled of. He smelled of rancid milk, dragon dung, and bleach, which made him cough and sputter. That Poltergeist disappeared into the night and left a mess. He turned to Filch who cleaned the white stains left on the wall by the Poltergeist.
"Do you now understand why I hate my life so much?" Filch asked. "At least when those cuffs come off, you can perform magic. I won't ever come close to performing magic….."
A sound of a trumpet cut through the air to cut Filch's pity party short. Dumbledore stepped out into the hallway to look at the progress. He stopped and looked around the hallway while sniffing in the air.
"What is that smell?" Dumbledore asked.
"It's me, sir," Snape said.
"Oh, well, you must have a new cologne," Dumbledore said. He perked up high suddenly. "Acting Professor Assistant Caretaker Wilson, you're back and you have Professor Lockhart."
Lockhart whimpered after being dragged across the floor back into Hogwarts. He detached himself from Deadpool's grip and crawled backward. Lockhart looked around in absolute terror when looking up and down at the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"Well, Gilderoy you look a little rough, but there's nothing that a warm shower and a glass of hot chocolate can't fix," Dumbledore said. "And I expect you to go back to work Monday morning, as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."
"Look at me, I can't be seen like this!" Lockhart yelled. "My hair, my teeth…and I have this horrible disfiguring skin rash. I smell like pig grease. I can't...I can't go on. I'm done…my beautiful smile, my beautiful beautiful smile, oh why…why…why?"
Lockhart scrambled to his feet and ran up the steps straight to the Astronomy Tower sobbing. Dumbledore, Deadpool, and a very half-hearted Snape followed him. Lockhart howled in agony and prepared to throw himself out of the window, but a field bounced him back and caused him to slam on his back side.
"Why couldn't I jump and just end this cruel existence?" Lockhart howled.
"Because Hogwarts a History clearly states there are suicide prevention charms on the school," Deadpool said.
Hermione Granger popped her head out of a pathway and raised her eyebrow. She glowered at Deadpool. "You'll be hearing from my attorney."
She popped back out and left everyone confused. Lockhart sobbed, then giggled, and then sobbed some more. He tried to tug out non-existent hair. Lockhart jumped up to his feet and grabbed Deadpool by the neck. Unfortunately, with his head not properly reattached.
Nearly Headless Nick popped out of the wall widened his eyes and looked at the perfectly decapitated man on the floor.
"That's not fair!" Nick pouted before zooming back through the wall.
Peeves lifted up Deadpool's head and zoomed out of the nearest window, cackling like a madman.
"Peeves, you really don't want to do this, do you?" Deadpool asked.
"SCORE!" The Poltergeist cheered before Deadpool's head flew over the skies and deep into the Forbidden Forest.
Dumbledore looked at Deadpool's headless body and then to Lockhart who pounded his fists on the floor. The Headmaster threw his hands back in the universal sign of surrender.
"If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office, sorting through my socks."
Deadpool's headless body ran around the school until a painful grimace could be heard and Deadpool grew a brand new head right before their very eyes. The disgusting process caused even Snape to want to.
Hermione jumped in randomly. "Oh come on, that defies all logic!"
"I know I'm going to regret asking this," Snape said. "But, what of your original head?"
"Ah, it will grow a new body eventually," Deadpool said. "That means there will be at least two of me running around."
Snape took two different cleaning solutions and mixed them into a pail. Inhaling the fumes from the pail put Snape in his happy place. He sat on the floor in the corner and got high off the fumes, giggling like a schoolgirl.
"OW, OW, OW!"
All three of Fluffy's heads played catch with Deadpool's decapitated head in the Forbidden Forest. His spinal cord started to come back and was used as a chew toy.