'Lord kailan nga ba ako sasaya?' I know I shouldn't questioned you about my happiness but Im so confuse and helpless this time.
For I almost done everything for her to stay by my side, did stupid things to get what she wants, being so careless about my action to pacify her boredom, loving all her imperfection and flaws yet here I am begging you to bring her back 'cause shes only my happiness, my world, in my cruel reality.
I love her so deeply but maybe she doesnt love me that much to stay here with me.
This night, it will be my greatest downfall, for the girl that I love says she doesnt want me anymore.
Telling me this shits face to face was so damn painful but hearing it coming straight from her mouth makes it more unbearable.
For I questioned myself what did I do wrong for her love just vanished and here am I left, unloved and lonely.
As I gaze at the busy street infront of me.
Lights turns paler and roads gets more dim and dimmer as the clocks ticks in past midnight giving me this errie feels that chills my dead and restless mind. A road whos now lacking, for I lost someone who promise to stay and be with me forever as we cross this route hand in hand with both faces shined in glee.
Memoirs of thought that involves you runs in my chaotic brain, that I can still hear our faint laughter like it was just yesterday, your sweet voice calming my nerves when Im in rage, how I stare with your bubbly face as we talked about random things revolves under the sun.
How I just love loving you in every step that we take and how I always picture us both leads in the path of forever and afterlife, but now, I just lost hope.
This road witnessed a lot of our sacred moments that it will almost serves as a constant reminder of 'us' with you and not just me as I passed by in this memory lane of ours.
This good old road now gives cold air breeze for I felt so empty without you by my side, giving me such warm and serene feeling as I hold you tight. For how I longed to be with you again so this route will revived its beauty 'cause when Ive lost you.
I also lost myself to see world as beautiful as you.
I always want you happy, happier in fact but not with him but with me because I cant bear seeing you with a man, happy and contented, especially that man will never ever be me.
I've lost not only you but sadly also myself.
I've lost my sanity when you left. My reason to live and still breathing in worlds cruelty now just gave me up, with no excuse and further explanation and just let me fall in this deepest darkest shit im drowning myself in. 'cause your the only one whos makin me sane, Makin me smile and makin me feel so inlove and makin my world spin!
This is too much! I shed tears yet it never ease my hearts painful pleas.
As I look around every corner of this busy road it reminds me that no ones gonna give you a fuckin care, no one will be there for you, and time wont stop beacause of your hurt. No matter how bad my heart was broken busy road wont stop for my grief. Earth will rotate still on its axis, time will work 24 hours and I will again end this day.
Sheding tears as I crossed the pedestrian lane leading to our once was called home.
A home yet it wasn't anymore. Its just a place that welcome me with a deafening sound of silence and another long night misery to start 'cause this whole place has all your scent that gives me more of our nostagic sad memory.
The laughters of ours echoed in every sides of this place.
How I love hearing you squirms in excitement when you cooked for our lunch. Your messy weird style in making our home clean and organize.
As I watch this wide flat screen that once been the reason of our uncounted sleepless night. The sofabed that cuddles both of us. The comfort youd bring when I need to be comforted.
Huh! This place resembles you! My home, my comfort, my shelter! Im so helpless. Maybe.
Tears wont make any difference, I know, but I just found this liquid droplets continuesly falling as my heart been shattered. Feeling all the broken pieces gradually put scars that won't be omitted. Breathing a heavy yet a lifeless air, heavy heart and pleading brain.
Im so tired of living. I feel so tired of everything. I want to quit! I close my eyes.
Wishing it was a bad dream letting myself believe your still here by my side happy ang contented. I let myself saw the fading light in the lamp post and as I drown myself to indifinite darkness that succumb my whole being.
Like how I'm lost right now without you, my sunshine. My light, the light that maybe gives me hope to be save from this dark nightmare I wanted myself to escape and somehow be free.
I just need you here, beside me.
But it will be miracle for you to be back and love me again with all your heart and for I to prove how I deepest love you, my love.
Months fastly comes and go, but it feels like the time passed by too slower that I thought, ang tagal na kasi pero ang sakit nandito parin. Tila ang bawat segundo lumilipas ay ramdam mo ang bawat pasakit ng kalooban ko.
Of being alone here in my house I dont want to go anywhere. I dont want anyone to be here. I want to be alone. Being miserable n one should see how aweful I look right now.
I didn't take bath. I stinks! I dont have appetite to eat. I just want to lay here in my bed.
In our bed, our own bed. I look at side of the bed where shes sleeping.
I took her pillow and hug it so tightly. Her smell still lingers here. It gives me comfort. Wishing this thing would be replace by the rightful owner of it. I want to hug her again. To feel her embrace me with love. Her arms that serves as my comfort zone.
I miss her so much so damn much!
I may sound so gay but I really want her to be here on my side. Lying here, making her laugh and tell her how much I love her. As my mind fill with her memory, my eyes started producing a warm liquid that contineously descending and it wont stop.
As my heart filled with pain again.
"Be mine baby, please come back to me. Lord, please hear me. I want my baby back. I never pray anything from you nor want something thats impossible but for now I beg you. I beg you to please send her again to me. I only want her in my life. She completes me. Shes my angel. My shelter. My home. Please God. Help me. I want my Eilysha back. My Eilysha." I barely whispered my pleas.
I would never get tired of praying that My Eilysha will be back. Maybe. I know God hear my prayers.
Everynight I seek for his help to enlighten Eilysha and she'll realize that she needs me, still needs me. She will realize that I am the man for her and I pray that she'll realize that she still love me 'cause me? I know my love for her will never vanish.
My love will always be my proof that I only need her in my life. I will never go anywhere cause I know in no time she'll be here.
She will be home, in my arms. I wont get tired of waiting for her to come home. Knocking my door and I will see her face again, smilling and we will start anew. I cant wait for that day to come. I will wait patiently, rven I suffered hard.
Even how painful it is to be left, even how her hurtful words scarred my breaking heart. Even it take more years than expected In the end still, I will accept her. Forgive and love her deeply.
I blink numerously. Is this for real? Shes here? God! 'Cause she's here.
Really! Maybe this is a part of my hallucination or Im in my emotional breaking point.
I want her to be here thats why Im imagining shes her or maybe Im in my deep sleep thats why Im dreaming of her. Here in my room. Did I drink to much today? Am I drunk? Or shes my dream? Cause I know shes here. Or am I seeing things?
I don't know! She's staring back at me.
Uh uh. Those eyes that captured my whole being. But now after seeing her like this? With those eyes?
Those gray pair of lonely eyes, so lonely and that it also mirrored mine.
Is she really here? Next to me? Or must I really dreaming. Oh maybe but I dont care! As long as she's here. I shook my head in disbelief. 'Tsk tsk tsk I really wish this is true. Your here!'
I wiped off my tears.
I just stared at her figure lovingly. Scared that she'll disappear again. I only want to savor this moment. I want a little hope coming from her. That maybe, maybe this is true.
I want to go near her. Hug her. Kiss her. Feel her inside my arms but nah I won't do that...
'cause when I did, I know, I will also be the one to crashed this dream. She'll disappear. I dont want her to leave again. I just want to talk to her. I want her to hear my thoughts, my pain, pleas and my love for her.
Maybe she's a dream but I want her to be real. That she's here and she came back, for me.
I smile a little, so pathetic.
I do really miss her. I miss how she stares at me lovingly, with those amber hypnothic eyes, it always shined with glee and love. I want her to look at me like before, I really do.
But not with those sad pained eyes that hypothetically looking at me. I dont want her to be sad.
Not in my sight I just want my babys' happiness. It would also mean my happiness.
I just want to tell what my life without her beside me. I want her to be well infomed of how fucked up my life without her beside me. I want her to know how I miss her in our home.
How I miss my big baby. I smiled as I remember how I was this past days.
Maybe she'll hear me out. Maybe she'll be back after hearing my voiceless pleas. Saving me from this hell Ive been ever since she left me. I want my baby back.
I want her I only want her! I smile at her, smile even though it hurts your heart. I want to tell her my life without her.
I started talking to this beautiful lady standing infront of me, real or imaginary still, I want her to feel my longing to her warmth, love and being beside me.
I stared deeply at her, my eyes got misty. Seems that my tears will shed again. "H-hi baby. Do you miss me? cause I do. I missed you so bad. Its been what? five? Six? Eight? Huh! Even the months Ive lost count already. Living without you seem so blue, miserable and so lonely. The emptiness I felt when your not here. Know what, babe? This house seems so big for me. This bed, it feels so empty without you. My coffees doesn't taste the same because it was not made by you."
Tsk tsk! Ang pathethic lang! I wiped my tears and calm my sobs as I continued.
"Just to inform you, I dont have anything to eat cause right now, I dont have my best chef in our kitchen. I miss your dishes. Your pa merienda and all. Most of all, I dont have someone to bully here. Wala na kasing pikon. Though, We have a lot of movies to watch. Ive collected it since you're gone. All the chicflic and horror movies you like. I have it all. Its all been waiting for you. I've been waiting for you. Your comeback!"
I even confess the cheesiness I have in mind.
"The couch doesnt have the same softness cause your not next to me. My comfort zone. My calming baby bear. The only thing I could hear here is the deafening sound of silence that reciprocate my chaotic mind. I just want to lay with you again. Feel the comfort you've been given me since beginning. How I miss your lullaby as it will serve as my music when I sleep. I just want to hear your voice. Nor it is shouting, sweet, pissed, in glee or even your nonsense nagging."
I give her wry sad smile. "I want it! I want it back! I really want you back, As long as I can hear it again coming from you. I miss those soothing voice of yours. How I miss those 'Iloveyous' of yours. The laugh thats been so full of life. And my eargasm when I heard the abonoxious laugh of yours."
I laugh as I can still hear her laughter in my head, it's contagious. Hearty and carefree laugh.
I sigh deeply, full of helplessnes. "How I want to wipe those tears off in your eyes when you started crying beacuse of being so affected in watching k-drama series. I want to hear your rant on how messy I am. How you'll say Im ugly and a piglet. Your little piggy. I just miss you just around here. Being you. So playful and fun in every corner. Even I put all the lights on i cant see it shined like before. It doesnt give light like it used to. Like Ive been in the dark. I cant see anything. Im blinded! Im blind to see the worlds' beauty when your not here. Even I put my speaker on its max I can still hear you. My heart thumps more loudly than the bass of the stereo."
I shook my head slowy, patting my chest as I feel the beat of my heart, slow and tired.
"I'm a lost echo, a sound that feels so right but been lost in tune. A losser man. And I AM that MAN. Loser for not being enough to be the man you needed. A sour loser for the love that's been mine but it fades away and I don't even know why?"
I darted her my questioning gaze, puno ng pangungulila, kahungkagang siya lang ang tanging makakapawi.
I barely uttered my deepest query. "Why baby? Didnt I gave you all my best? Did you saw my flaws? Are you tired of saving me? What did I do that the love you have for me just vanished? Am I not enough? Im not that worthy to fought for? Do i need to suffer like this because I just love you so much? I love you my baby. I will and still loving you. Maybe you've been tired being with a man without a dream? Or maybe you're pissed beacause I cant even cook you breakfast? Or maybe I was not the man you've always dream of. The hero, your savior that you really wanted but baby please, let me know, beacause right now, Im in a deep shit. I blame myself. I know it was my fault! Im the one whos lacking! But please could you please tell me what went wrong?"
Ang sakit sakit na kasing isipin kung saan ako nagkamali? Nagkulang? Bakit, bakit kailangang mauwi kami sa hiwalayan? My head wanted to explode beacause of my uncountable what ifs in my head.
My sob was the only proof that I'm crying hard right now, crying my pain inside."W-Why our love been blown? Dont we have the strong foundation that we are easily crashed and leave us nor leave me with a broken piece. Cause right now. Im so lonely I dont know how to erase this agony, how will my tears get tired and will be dried and how this heart of mine will stop this yearning, the longing, cause I know my love, my baby, your my missing piece." I smiled widely at that.
That's for sure, she completed me.
"Im incomplete. Im not me when your not with me. Im the best version of myself when Im with you! You know what? I really want to hug you right now! I want to lessen this pain by being with you. You in my arms again and let me experience again how to be love by you. I want you back baby. I want to! I really want to go where you stand right now. To hold your hand. To feel your warm. But baby, I cant! I cant let my hallucination of you will also vanished in my sight! Im so tired of being alone. Imagination or not I want you stay here. Staring at me but please can I beg you?".
My sobs gets louder from time to time. " I B-BEG YOU TO LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE EYES FULL OF LOVE. Like you did before. I want to feel love again by you. I love loving you!" I smiled as I feel my tears falls freely on my eyes.
Its like a fountain cause it wont stop. I cried hard because even in my hallucination she cant grant my pleas.
Its still pained expression I can see. Damn! My baby wasnt happy to see me. Maybe Im not really enough to be a man.
Im not her happiness anymore. "My babys' not happy to see me huh. IM YOUR DISSAPOINMENT, I know. You know what your disappering in my sight. Your blurry. Youll leave me again? It seem like that. Leaving will so easy for you. Maybe Im really so high! Why Am I see you crying? Are you in pain as Am I? Dont be sad baby. In no time I will be okay. I-im okay. Maybe I will heal. I will be okay. I dont want to see how miserable I am right now. See I looked so messed. I stink! My baby wont be happy to see me like this."
Gusto kong mahaplos ang kanyang maamong mukha, maramdamang totoo siya, pero ayoko. Ayokong ako mismo ang makakakita muli ng pagkawala niya sa mismong paningin ko.
Sobrang sakit na, my hearts been yearning for her love.
" But I know I will heal. This pain will fade but this love I have will forever lingers in my heart baby, I only love once and I chose to love you forever. My baby, for eternity I promise."
I dont want to sleep but my eyes are so damn heavy right now that I only want it close as I feel the soft hand that gently patting my hair. Dossing me off to comfort that I much needed.
It felt like home. IM HOME! "I love loving you, Eilysha. My baby."
I whispered as I dossed off to sleep. It felt like shes really here. I dont want to wake up again.
Lord could you please let me in this dreamland forever? Where I could be with her and shes with me like before?
"Im so s-sorry Aqierro." I can still hear the faint sobs and a pleading voice. Impossible, now I know Im dreaming!
STOP GIVING ME FALSE HOPE MIND, MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE IN SADNESS IN NO TIME.
Maybe, this is goodnight mothafvckrs!
ENDS HERE!