ASHTONN'S MUST- DO- LISTS BEFORE BURIED SIX FEET UNDER THE GROUND: LITERALLY!
I chuckled as I put the nonsense heading in my diary, trying to wrote it my bestest hand-writing style.
Naka-ilang ulit na ako pero dyahe, ang pangit talaga. Ang sama na nga ng ugali ko pati ba naman sulat-kamay ko ang pangit din.
Ano na lang ba ang natitirang mabuti/maganda sakin?
I've done so many unforgivable and horrible things. I'm a bad man. Living my life with selfishness and full of hatred.
Spending every seconds planning revenge and making other lifes miserable.
Now here I am, facing the daily dose of my digital karma, I deserve this but— I just heaved a big regretful sighed.
Sa huli talaga ang pagsisi, paghuli na diyan muna marerealize sa lahat.
But back to this diary, hmm—?
Ano ba ang gusto kong gawin na di ko pa nagawa? Or gusto kong baguhin sa boring kong buhay? Meron ba? So ano na no. 1—?
Ano ba ang gusto mo sa buhay Ashtonn, except magpakasama kasi na-master mo na ang degree na yan diba?
Punyemas! Ibahin mo naman para may silbi kana. May kwenta naman na existence mo dito sa Earth.
That made me smirked. What now Ashton? What do you want to do— Hmm... I started writing silly stuff on my sheet.
ASHTONN'S MUST- DO- LISTS BEFORE BURIED SIX FEET UNDER THE GROUND: LITERALLY!
▪︎Look for Ideylan, say your deepest sorry to her.
▪︎Go to cemetery and forgive your parents.
▪︎Enjoy beach and get tan.
▪︎Hike Mt. Pulag and scream your lungs out.
▪︎Try watching K-drama.
▪︎Look for your nanny Gwanzel, thank her for being with you.
▪︎Make true friends with others (one girl, one boy!)
▪︎Stop drinking liquors and take your medicine instead.
▪︎Eat all the icecream flavor except durian.
▪︎Lessen drinking coffee, arrrgh!
▪︎Go to amusement park with together with her.
▪︎Lastly, when your in near death bed, locked yourself away from others.
As I finished writing after an hour, I was laughing so hard because of my silliness, hiding my tears as they falls along with my fake hapiness.
Hay— ganito nalang ba ako mawawala sa mundong to?
Thirty-two years exististing in Earth, ano nga bang nagawa ko? Ano bang pinag-gagawa ko sa loob ng tatlong dekada?
Wala— wala akong ibang ginawa kundi pasakitan ang taong nanakit sa akin.
Enjoying my evilness and making other suffer because I'm a monster.
Nabuhay ako sa lungkot at paghihiganti dahil sa kagaguhan ng pamilya ko dati. Anger filled my heart that resulted to not using it for years, not literally okay.
I just always used my head, forgeting how to care, symphatize and love.
Masyado akong nagpabulag sa galit at binalot nito ang puso ko. Hanggang sa isang araw nagising nalang ako na sobrang sama ko na pala. Na ang dami ko na palang nagawan ng mali.
Marami na pala akong natatapakang tao, nasasaktan.
I was blinded and foolish hindi pala lahat damay sa kamiserablehan ng buhay ko, hindi pala dapat ako nandamay ng taong nandito para sana damayan ako.
Taong tinuring akong pamilya pero niloko at sinira ko ang tiwala nila.
I've used my head too much that it suddenly shutdown.
Masyado ko yatang pinagod ang utak kong magisip kung paano maghiganti at kung paano magpakahirap ng kaaway.
Hindi ko na namalayan at isang araw nagising nalang ako na sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko, parang dini-drill at parang pinupokpok sa loob, making me scream of too much pain, shouting, and asking for help.
That someone will ease this pain until everything's get blurry and I passed out.
When I woke up, I was lying in small bed, uncomfortable, painted in all white ceiling, even the cabinets.
Kung wala lang ako nakitang gamit dito sa loob iisipin kung nasa heaven na ba ako? Pero malabo yon, sa impyerno lang ako may space, hindi sa kapayapaan ni God.
Kung wala pang nurse na pumasok wala pa akong makakasama dito sa loob.
She walks near me, smiling softly. "Hi po Sir. Wait lang po ha? Labas lang ulit ako, tatawagin ko si Doc Alexzqo. Siya po ang naka assign na doctor niyo." She then left my room hurriedly.
I took a deep breath, wanting to get up but there's something on my arm.
Pinilit ko ang sarili kong tumayo, unminding the pain the dextrose give. Naiihi ako, I need to go to the bathroom. Kaya kahit nanghihina naglakad parin ako sa maliit na pinto doon, bitbit ang dextose ko sa kanang kamay.
Pagbalik ko nakita ko kaagad si Doc, naghahanap sa akin. Kahit ang nurse mukhang pinapagalitan niya.
"I'm here— Doc." Agaw pansin ko sa kanilang dalawa. Inalalayan naman ako ng nurse papuntang bed ko.
I just nooded at her when I already settled.
"It's good that your awake Sir—?"
Tinanggap ko ang pakikipagkamay niya. "Ashtonn Renquillo, Doc."
"Mr. Renquillo. I'm Doc Alexzqo." I just give him a smile.
The doctor test my my reflexes, eye and mouth movement and coordination.
Asking if I feel something uncommon with my body, symptoms or common signs of any disease. I said that I experienced severe headaches, nausea and sometimes vomiting, balance or coordination problems, vision changes and oftentimes forgetful.
"Tatapatin na kita hijo, we will do an MRI to know your condition, we will do the procedure today. Okay na naman ang tests mo, wala na naman ang sakit ng ulo mo diba? Maybe the painkiller take it shot."
Sunod-sunuran lang ako sa gusto ng Doctor, I stayed their for more days, observing and checking my condition.
Waiting for the MRI result then the day comes, and that was my doom's day. I'm sick, having this Pineal tumor.
Kaya heto ako ngayon nagbabagong buhay, sana magbago pa.
Ilang buwan din bago ko natanggap ang kalagayan ko. I was refusing to believe it, denying to myself that my life was in danger. Pero paginiisip kong wala akong sakit mas lalo niyang pinaparamdam sakin ang katotohanan.
Been suffering in the endless headaches, untimely vomiting and sometimes losing conciousness anywhere.
There's a surgery pero ayoko, I just felt that this is my time na, wala naman akong pamilyang masasandalan at wala namang gustong mabuhay ako.
Masyado na akong pagod sa laro at makisabay sa ikot ng mundo. Okay lang, mas tanggap kung mamamatay na gagawin ko ang gusto ko atleast, kahit mabilis lang na oras, magpapakatotoo ako sa sarili ko.
Gusto ko lang ng hiram na kaligayahan bago ako mamaalam sa mundong to.
I made this do list para maranasan ko ang mga bagay na sadyang ipinagkait ko sa sarili.
I wanted to change everything pero dahil sa kalagayan ko sobrang labo, gusto ko lang na humingi ng tawad sa lahat ng taong nagawan ko ng kasalanan, lalong lalo na sa asawa ko, Idelyan my wife.
She suffered a lot because of me, kaya I will do my best to look and say my deepest sorry to her until my very last breath. I darted my gaze at the lovely lady in the photograph, my Idelyan.
"I'm so sorry baby, I really love you though, uountil now." I barely whispered my confession.
*****
ENDS HERE!