Kabanata 14
Living in Fears
The past months in Australia was so hard for me. I deal all the problems with myself. I help my father to regain himself from losing my mom. My father even undergone to the psychiatrist because he almost lost himself. Masyadong nalubog si daddy dahil sa pagkamatay ni mommy. At lahat ng 'yon kinaya kong mag-isa.
I continue my study hanggang sa maka-graduate ako. Nagsumikap akong mag-aral ng mabuti, kasabay ang pag-aalaga ko kay daddy. Di ako pweding manghina. Pakiramdam ko wala akong karapatang panghinaan ng loob. Pinagkait iyon sa akin ng panahon at pagkakataon. Ako nalang ang meron kay Daddy ngayon. Kailangan kong magpakatatag para sa kanya. Kahit na sobrang nahihirapan rin ako sa sitwasyon namin.
I became more matured because of the problem I faced. Lahat-lahat ako ang sumalo. Kahit sa mga meetings para sa kompanya ako ang pumunta.
Sometimes, nanay Atari called me and ask about me. It relieved me. Thinking that there is still someone who always asked how am I. At least, may nagtatanong pa rin sa akin nang ganoon.
"I don't know yet, 'nay. I'm still busy for the company's recovery kaya di ko pa maaasikaso ang tungkol diyan."
Isang araw iyon nang tumawag ang si nanay Atari at tinanong ang tungkol sa pag-uwi namin.
"Daddy is still in a long vacation now, 'nay. I let him too, kasi ayaw ko ring maboring siya rito sa bahay. Maybe next month. Or I don't know... pag-iisipan ko pa 'yan," dagdag ko bago bumuntong hininga.
It's been five years.
"Okay. Mag-ingat ka palagi diyan, hija. At miss na miss na kita," I smile a bit.
"I miss you too, 'nay. Take care always."
Agad akong nagpaalam matapos ang huling kumustahan.
Malamig ang simoy ng hangin dahil malalim na ang gabi. Pero nakaupo pa rin ako sa gilid ng swimming pool na nasa likod ng mansion namin dito sa Australia. At this moment, marami akong naaalala sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. Five years ago, at the same time, the same feeling, I was sitting at the edge of the swimming pool while talking to the man I'd never forget. I'm thinking about going back to Philippines.
I'm not coward but I'm chickening out everytime I'm thinking about going home. Going back to the Philippines means facing the problem I left before. Means, facing the people I tried to forget those past years that I'm here.
I blew a loud breath frustratingly. Alam ko sa sariling handa na akong bumalik. But there is something in me, saying that I should not hope for anything. There's a possibility that it will end up hurting myself.
My father wants us to go back to Philippines too. But I assured that he is healthy already. Kahit na na mild stroke noong isang buwan, thankfully, nakarecover na rin naman ito. At maliksi na ito ulit.
It was another tough months for me, but I remains strong for the man I love, my father. He's all that I have, kaya hinding-hindi ko ito susukuan. Nothing can make me weak, if it's about my father. Kahit gustuhin ko man ay hindi pwede.
Too many of us are living not for our dreams, but living because of our fears. And if I ain't faced it with all the courage, I don't know what happened to us now. To me. Maybe, I'm inside the asylum, alone. Because maybe, I'll suffer for all the problems I have right now.
I'll be back. We'll be back on my mom's fifth death anniversary.
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GorgeousYooo 🍀