Days just passed by after the opening of the newest branch of Da Lusi. She began to be busy with her three restaurants. Ryan and Uncle were busy with their routine at the hospital. They left in the early morning and backed home in the evening. And, Ryan's schedule was even worse.
Meanwhile, I filled my days by walking around Kuala Lumpur City. I visited several entertainment places for a movie, hunting a good restaurant, finding a nice location, and so on.
There was nothing much to do, not to mention that I didn't have many destinations to visit.
They were also unable to accompany me because of their busy activities. In addition, my parents didn't allow me to visit other cities without the trusted accompanist.
Perfect!
This holiday can't be named as a "holiday" when almost nothing went as expected.
It was tiring to let time passes without any meaningful activity. I have much spare time, but there was nothing left to do. That was the reason, I was becoming more tangled than ever.
I didn't need to mention that the appearance of Anne Kumala consistently tortured me. I was still affected by the opening night in which the two of them had a nice conversation.
When all answers and explanations which I really wanted to know appeared to the surface, those realities didn't make everything better.
I can't come to terms with the painful reality. Sometimes, knowing the hidden truth is more painful than living peacefully in a lie. Should I stop finding out everything and come back home ?
Those realities made my situation even more messy. The condition was even worse because they wouldn't let me go without a proper reason.
At least, I should try to hold on and slowly forget him. I have to control my heart, re-organize it, and get used to it. Perhaps, Ryan's shadow might disappear or at least fade from my memories.
Even though I sounded like self-imposing, but I was just trying to be stronger, to be brave enough to face the love and destiny.
I know, falling in love before marrying isn't the best choice, but nobody can control their heart based on their will.
Right then, I was trying to weaken and overcome those feelings. Trying to win the battle against my heart to erase the memories of Ryan, the memories of love.
My visions had changed. I no longer wanted to find answers since everything had become clearer. I had no choice beside engaged in the greatest battle against formidable enemies; myself, my heart, and my hope.
I just wanted to defeat my heart and to win my logic instead, so that I won't be swayed by a simple excuse which has lost its meaning, which I called "LOVE".
What an extraordinary goal that's hard to make it true. Even though, I recited it repeatedly a day, everything about Ryan has turned into an addiction with no an antidote.
Lately, a dilemma has deepened over me and changed my emotions. I had getting confused and slowly losing myself.
I often asked myself; why I had changed, why it should be him, why the closeness turned into a barrier, and why there were so many categories of affection.
***