I woke up late with swollen eyes because I can't sleep for the whole night and end up crying until the very early morning for no reason. I'm confused and exhausted, holding these feelings inside is too annoying.
Should I be honest, say it all without being afraid. Just once, I want to express all of my feelings before getting tormented by continuing to hold them in silence. But, how I can face him in the future if Ryan only put me as a little annoying sister.
I went to the dining room still by wearing pajama. Sat in silence with the eyes on breakfast which Bunda has prepared. I'm not contemplating the food, but trying to take my mind off somewhere else. Ah, I hope this pain and chaos end up quickly.
"Why you don't ready yet ? Don't you go to the laboratory ?", Bunda Asked.
"No", I replied briefly.
"Bunda may back home a bit late today", she continued and left me at the dinner table.
"Don't forget your breakfast!", she said before disappearing behind the door.
The atmosphere was silent, I was left alone at home. Ryan and his family made a pilgrimage to Riana's resting place which is lies near to my house, my father was also with them. I should also have been there, but I didn't have enough strengthen to move forward. It felt like the world was spinning faster than usual.
I decided to go back to my bedroom and lied down. I was completely exhausted physically and psychologically. Instantly, I remembered clay-pillared samples which is still in the furnace.
I immediately contacted Andika Azlan, a member of Inorganic Chemistry Peer-Group to keep my research sample save in an appropriate place.
I was completely fell asleep after getting confirmation from Dika that the sample was saved.
***
About 1-2 hours later, I felt someone's hand touch my forehead. From her voice I knew she was Aunty Lusi; I can only hear the voice, my eyes can't be opened.
I wanted to wake up, but all motor nerve systems didn't work as if they were gone. This time, what had possessed me until made me collapse. However, I can feel the cold sweat running down through my forehead.
I also realized, she put her hand on my cheek, trying to wake me up, but there was no reaction from me. In her panic, she screamed up for Ryan.
I can hear Ryan's steps closer to my room. He immediately pulled the pillow off which was supporting my head, then put my feet in a higher position.
He held my hands which were still cold and massaged them. Five minutes later, I was conscious, but my legs can't be moved.
"It's OK. You'll be fine after an hour", he said, trying to calm me down when I was panic.
His words were correct, my condition was being well after 40 minutes even though I felt a bit of crampy. I thought everything was fine, I had been freed from suddenness attack for 7 years.
After 7 years passed, that undesired attack was repeated without permission.
I asked them to keep this incident as a secret before Aunty Lusi left, otherwise my freedom will soon disappear.
Ryan stayed after leaving the door open; sitting silently without saying a word, I was speechless and avoided his eyes.
If not, I will definitely cry.
If not, I will definitely be honest and make a confession.
If not, I might hold his hands and ask him to stay by my side forever.
"Don't get sick!", He said then left.
Aunty Lusi returned with a tray of foods and a few capsules. I tasted the food and took the B complex vitamins at Ryan's request.
Although taking medicines or vitamins is against my ideology as a Chemist.
***
Ayah and Uncle Sofyan, they backed home with my brothers at 5. By then my condition had been better, I could even run so that everything seemed alright.
I smiled silently, responding to the twins' mischievous behavior which was annoying sometimes. They are always noisy at home, but become super-cool with their friends.
One hour later, Bunda also returned from the hospital. I stared at Auntie Lusi to make sure her to keep silence, and she gestured "no need to worry". I breathed a sigh of relief because she's not a person who broke a promise.
***