June 5th 20xx
Buddy, I know it's been a long while since I've spoken to you last. Just a lot of things have taken place.
Like the past month, Pattie and I have gotten even closer.
Hell, we did something that was so amazing yet left me terribly heartbroken.
I kissed her. I became so vulnerable and broke open. I was so weak in front of her. It was pathetic.
She fell down a hill, I was afraid she would have gotten hurt. I definitely overreacted but that fear struck inside me. Like...you...did. Same with Taylor and Mandy. It was my fault you got hurt. And Taylor and Mandy, I couldn't do anything to help them. It didn't hurt any less.
I was scared I was going to lose Pattie like I lost you and so many. She was comforting me and just embraced me. I hadn't felt any sort of affection like that since you three left. One after the other.
The stupidity of my uncontrollable feelings, I just straight up kissed her. Not to take advantage of her but, to know what it was like to have the warm lips of someone I cared for so much on my own cold ones. Knowing no one could ever love me in return. Besides my first love, which I never told you about. I guess there's really four people I lost.
The moment I pulled away from her frozen state. I knew I fucked up deeply. I definitely confirmed my feelings for her. I didn't even get the chance to walk away. Pattie didn't give me an opportunity to do so. I didn't lose her. At least not yet.
Pattie Clarence was not mad at me. She didn't know the kiss was more than that for me. Not because I'm a hormonal teenager but, I was filled with affection for her. It was an in the moment response to her. Or my pure curiosity getting the best of me in our deep moments. Sure it definitely was, but I acted out on my compressed feelings for her too.
Pattie made that pretty clear she saw me as a friend. I understood completely. It was for the best and I would respect that.
Pattie told me a bit about her past as I told her some of mine. Like how I lost three people. Technically four. Having been abandoned too. I didn't explain what happened. Except for what happened to Taylor and Mandy. I couldn't deny I was close to revealing what happened with you too. I just couldn't. I refused too. Or the secret ex of mine. Both of you were touchy subjects. You were the worst of it.
Pattie also told me today that she had a past with an abusive relationship. I didn't have words to say. I was filled with so much anger at the simple thought of anyone laying a hand on her. A man isn't a man if he hurts a girl like that. Pattie made it known that her 'boyfriend' was also older than her. He lied about his apparent age too. That wasn't a boyfriend, that was a fucking predator.
Pattie told me she wished to redo our kiss together too. To remember it as a pleasant moment. Not an awkward one. In the end, we really ended up enjoying it together.
I grabbed that beautiful face and poured all my emotions among my innocent kiss.
We broke apart multiple times and went right back at kissing. Pattie admitted that I was indeed a good kisser, filled with so much passion. So gentle and kind. It killed me that her first kiss was forcibly taken by her. Or considered it to be her first kiss. That deeply saddened me. I really hoped that Pattie wasn't put through any worse sexual assault than that. I knew by the scars she showed me she was abused pretty badly physically. As well as emotionally.
If I was going to be the one who was her proper first kiss then I was going to make it as innocent and passionate as I could. Whether Pattie tells people it was done by someone else or her friend.
I grabbed her soft cheeks and kissed her soft, pink lips again. Kissing her like she'd never forget. It deepened. Not to the point we were making out and getting ready to screw. I couldn't deny that we shared one hell of a passionate kiss. At least on my behalf I thought of it as that.
Eventually, it came to a stop and we ran up the hill again. Missing the rest of our classes. She also taunted me so I chased her up the hill. Back to our goofy shenanigans.
I had caught her at the top of the hill in bridal style. Spinning both of us around. Pattie was clearly a girl with a lot of muscle mass. She probably became active and physically strong to defend herself after her past. I was proud of her for that. She made herself both mentally and physically stronger. For herself.
Pattie and I l goofed around with our song. Dancing and singing off tune. Eventually we made our separate ways.
I biked home. My heart ached that Pattie had softly broken my heart today. Rejecting my feelings without knowing. I never did tell her I was beginning to see her as more than just a friend. It was better to have her as a friend then lose her due to my feelings.
Guess it was better that I didn't say anything anyways.
I came home and placed my bike in the garage. And walked in the house through the door connecting to the garage. My head was facing the door. Tears threatening to fall as I was filled with hurt. And it wasn't the intent from Pattie. It wasn't even because of her. Just me feeling overwhelmed today.
I walked in to see my parents on the couch. Ashley was there too.
My parents always had such a strong expectation for me to be the good boy who always goes to school. Never problematic, Etc...and because I missed some school for like the first time they were going to chew my ear out. Treat me like I was a failure. I could never satisfy them enough.
"Glad to see you are home on time unlike school." My mother commented. While my parents were both like this, my dad was more understanding at least.
"Yeah, I know. You are about to give me the lecture on it's absolutely disappointing seeing your son skipping out on two classes. For like the first time ever." I told them.
"I don't care the reason for you not showing up to class. I will not be the mother of a son who rebels. It's probably that Pattie girl influencing you to give this attitude and skipping class" Mother dearest commented.
"Don't you ever! I mean ever tell me in my face that Pattie is a bad choice . Or is seen badly in any way in your eyes! I accidentally forgot the time because I was too busy at lunch talking to Pattie about something. I needed someone to talk too. You've never liked any of my friends' moms. I haven't had any for a long time. Now I have one, and she's the most kind and precious person I've ever met." I yelled at her. Not having it when she called Pattie out.
My mom was taken back. Not expecting to see me so rattled up. Only you've seen my rattled up before bud. I would always be quick to defend Pattie too.
"I don't like this new attitude at all! Fine I apologize for what I said about your friend. If you need someone to talk too then talk to your parents. Don't start skipping class. Keep being the good brother that Ashley needs. End this rebellious spunk immediately. " My mom argued.
I just laughed as I felt my stomach drop. Fighting back tears.
"If I was as rebellious as you proclaimed I am, I would be doing drugs and drinking alcohol. Not going to work either. I'd be sneaking out or staying out late. I actually keep my grades high. Show up to class even when I'm sick! I could never go to you about my problems. You don't even care enough because you think it's all stupid teenager problems. I would talk to my family if I felt I could trust them enough to not degrade me. For not always being the perfect, non-problematic son. I needed to talk to someone today. Someone I could trust."
My mother was fuming at that point.
"What? Now you're mad at me for thinking I am a decent student. Well sorry I'm not doing good enough to be seen as a good son to you. I'm done putting on a fake show for this family. I don't care anymore. The past two years have been hell for me and not even my own family notices because they pay attention so little to me. It's only when I mess up that I get noticed. When I do a good job, it's not enough." I remember pausing. Needing to give myself a breather.
My mother continued to show how much angrier she became.
"Pattie Clarence is the first person to notice that I'm not as well put together as everyone assumes. And is alright with that. And would actually be there for me if I needed it. Where were you when I needed it? You're always there for Ashley, but never for me. Why don't you both just stay focused on looking after the child who isn't a failure? You're both best at that" I snarled.
My eyes didn't hold back leaking. I left the room, refusing to deal with my family's bullshit. I walked up the stairs to my room and slammed the door shut.
I sat on my bed. Holding myself as I cried silently. Knowing my parents wouldn't check on me, even when blurting something like that out. I hate living here buddy. My family doesn't give a rats ass about me. Even when crying out for help in front of my mother, I swore her eyes shined with disappointment towards me. Even more, than she already is. I also felt bad for dragging Ashley down. She didn't deserve it.
I reached into my dresser of memories to pull out the picture of all seven of us. Four of us are still here. Two went their separate ways. One is in rehab and the other one is now stranded alone in abandonment. Even by his own parents. I looked at you specifically. It has been a long time since I looked at your face. That curly red mop of yours and brown eyes.
I missed you buddy. I really did. I hope you are happy...I found the other picture of just the two of us.
It was us in the eighth grade before high school. Where everyone was happy. In our picture. It was probably the last time I felt genuine happiness. I knew I was carefree in that image.
I found the shoebox that was filled with other memories of the seven of us. The first piece of paper was from the newspaper. Announcing the dates of Mandy and Taylor's funeral. I also wrote down the date when I heard you passed too after we grew little distant from each other.
First, it was Mandy and Taylor. Dying in that crash. Then Wallace and Alexa. Going their separate ways as they couldn't deal with the grief. Julia couldn't deal with the grief of her best friend passing so she took to drugs. Now sitting in a rehab center to recover from her addiction. I've gone to visit Julia but it's hard to see her. I probably trigger memories she doesn't want to think about.
Then you and I were left. Until certain events took place. Causing us to go our own ways as well. I abandoned you, leaving you alone to your own thoughts and struggles. You caved in and gave up on life. I wasn't there for you. How I wish I could talk to you once more to tell you how sorry I am.
I saw the letter you wrote to me when you went away for the summer in Florida. Bragging about how awesome Disneyland was. You were the best part of my life and I ended up pushing you away. I let my best friend down.
My parents probably don't even remember you or my other friends. They only know that Mandy and Taylor died. Mom and dad were the ones that took me to the funeral. They gave me a wee bit of support, but it didn't last for long. I thought they would at least remember you, after all you were my best friend for many years.
Mom and dad have no clue you had passed on either. They would never believe I'm suffering. That I feel depressed. Or that I been having severely dark thoughts. My parents would assume I'm trying to be an attention whore. Deliberately trying to cause more problems with me.
I still wear the red hoodie you gave me too. It was too big for you, so you gave it to me instead. My parents have obligated to tell me countless times to get rid of it. Seeing how to hold and worn out it is but, I refuse to.This jacket is my most prized possession. Not that they could ever understand that.
My mother isn't as horrible as it seems, it's just she's a lot more close-minded. My dad can be too but, it's almost always my mother who objects to me about something. My dad just blindly follows along.
Sometimes I swear that this jacket still smells like you. It's probably my mind playing tricks on a sad soul. That's also creepy as you're like a brother to me. I held the jacket close and your picture. The only real comfort I had. In this particular moment.
I had put my earbuds in and blasted music while I held on for life on the hoodie.
After weeping for a bit, I could faintly hear a knock on my door. I obviously ignored it. Probably my mother to remind me even more of the disappointment I was to her.
The door opened and turned out it was my dad. He was always more empathetic. Wasn't half as closed off from compassion like my mom was. He had walked to the bed where my curled up form faced him.
I remember him telling me he saw the box of my memories. The picture of all seven of us. And the newspaper about the death of the Locke twins. Taylor and Mandy Locke.
My dad placed a hand on my arm. Which at the moment brought a lot of startle to me. I jumped up whipping my head in his direction. I was done crying, but my eyes were red. He sat on the bed and showed me the newspaper clippings I cut out. I was frozen. Realizing I had left it out.
"I came in here to check on you. I could tell before you even spoke a word after coming home that something was really bothering you. Now I think I know." He told me and showed the paper.
"This was the funeral we took you too. I didn't know they were close friends. I thought we took you to the funeral for the sake of being respectful. As well as being classmates." He pieced it together. I nodded in agreement. I showed him the group photo.
"What grade was this taken in?" My dad asked.
I swallowed. "The seventh grade. Those were my friends Taylor and Mandy Locke. Wallace, Alexa, Julia and...Aiden." I confessed. Someone in my family finally knows about you Aiden.
"Where are they now Zeke." My dad was being careful when asking me questions. There was a lot he realized he didn't know about me.
"Two dead, the rest parted their separate ways. Leaving me in abandonment since the ninth grade." I told my dad. My voice is emotionless. I couldn't bring up that you were my best friend. Or your passing.
"Why didn't you tell us they were your friends? Or confide in us?"
"I tried too. However, no one paid enough attention to me to listen. After a few attempts, I just gave up. Seeing that it was only my concern as my family didn't even try to know what I did outside this building." I muttered.
"My god. Why was I so blind to you? I noticed a change in you and thought nothing of it. What kind of parent am I not seeing my kid is hurting. Still is. I'm so sorry I wasn't there like a father is supposed to be." My dad heaved out. Filled with mixed emotions. His eyes even watered up.
"To be blunt. Everybody fucks up at times. Sometimes there is still time to make up for things. And sometimes not for others. This situation still has time to make up for it." I pointed out. Even with my defensiveness towards my family, I was always willing to let my dad try to make up for it.
My dad grabbed me and embraced me. I left like a five-year-old. It was weird for a 16-year-old to hug his father, but I didn't give a shit.
"I'm going to make this right ok Zeke." I nodded. Knowing he felt my actions.
"I'll be right back. I've got something I need to do to start making this up to you ok Zeke?"
"Alright, Dad," I tell him. He ruffled the black hair I inherited from him. And left the room. My suspicions were that he had a bone to chew with my mom.
I didn't really know what took place between them. After today, My dad started paying attention to me. Telling me that once a week we would sit down and talk. It was mandatory, it could be about anything really.
Well, that's all I really had to say about this week Aiden. I'll forever wish I could have been a better friend to you.
Until next time.
Zeke.