Of course I didn't tell him the whole story after that, but he's so...quiet. He hugged me tightly from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. I know this is going to be awkward.
But that's the only part that I can bring myself to tell him.
I can't bring myself to tell him more. I never really tell anyone about this. Jade only knew that my dad's commited suicide because of the sisters talked about it and people left me out. And Diana knew that from him. But this is the first time I ever told someone else about this, from my own mouth. Even though this is just the beginning and not the whole story.
I can't even talk about the thing after that.
I'm nervous, scared, and shaking to tell this story, I just... But something inside me...felt like it was lifted. What was it?
Relief?
"Hmm, I shouldn't ask you to tell me that, you're shaking." He grabbed the blanket and wrapped me from the front and tucked it from behind. "I'm sorry, princess. But thank you for telling me about it."
I looked down, rubbing his forearms with both of my hands. "It's fine. This is my first time talking about it, so I'm a bit nervous. But thank you for listening." I said.
He pulled me closer and nuzzled his stubble on my neck, making me squirm before him. That's tickles.
"So is that the letter he left?" He asked, making me look at the crumpled envelope on my desk. Maybe because I hugged it before, it looked crumpled or maybe it's been twenty years, it looked old, it was already worn out.
"Yeah."
"Have you read it?"
"No." I looked down and played with my fingers and laughed. "I'm just unable to...maybe I'm scared? Or maybe this is because of anger? Because he left me too? I don't know the reason but I just can't read it...no...I don't want to read it." I leaned on his chest and laughed it off.
I know the reason quite well, the reason why I don't want to read it. But I just don't want too. I'm a coward who ran away from reality.
It's so quiet now. Or is it because I'm losing my concentration again. I turned my head behind to see his face. He does look like he is in deep thought. Frowning. But as soon as he caught me gazing, he smiled widely.
"...That's not all of it was it? The story. Your past. Your nightmare." he cupped my face and rubbed it with both of his thumbs. Please don't force me to tell you the whole story, is what I want to say. This is already hard enough for me to tell you.
"No." I replied, sincerely answering his question. "...and, Ayden..."
He smiled and hummed as he replied.
"Please do not ask more about it and don't expect anything from me, don't put any of your expectations on me, because this is new for me. I don't know about all of this, this is new." I said while looking deep inside his eyes. Telling him that I meant every single word.
"It's fine, you don't need to worry about that. And I'll teach you everything from now on."
I looked at him, wondering if he really meant everything he said.
"I'll make you the happiest woman ever, princess. And I promised you that I will protect you and chase away all of your misery like a charming prince." I smiled wider, he was really good at words and somewhat funny, but I'm not sure about that.
Do I deserve it? This warm feeling? After life becomes a torture to me, expecting me to endure, surviving, and living unpurposely. And now life sends me this morphine to cure the pain but somehow reminds me of the poison.
He kept rubbing my face, looking down to my lips. Perhaps. It would be weird if he looked at my chin. He rubbed my under eyes, and gave me a smile.
Then his eyes traveled all over my face again, he pushed my bangs and discovered another flaw on my face. He touched it, looking all concerned and his eyes looked a little bit teary.
If that wasn't what you call genuine or sympathy, then he must be good at acting.
I pushed his hands and turned myself around, wrapping my hands on his neck as I sat on top of his laps. Let's just forget about everything today.
Let's ran away from reality again.
"Now where is my reward?" I asked, looking deep inside him.
He looked so puzzled, and hummed with a confused face. Sometimes, he can make this kind of face too. Cute!
I stroked his collarbone with my finger as I flickered my eyes toward him. I felt like I'm acting exactly like what Jade said to me. I'm sorry brother, but I can't resist him. He looked good. Not like anyone else, no one else but him.
I want him.
My hands moved to his neck, and up to his jaws, cupping his face.
"You said you'll give me a reward...perhaps it's a lie?"
He frowned, as he was trying to process what I'm saying. He looked into my eyes deeply, and looked at my position, still thinking about what I'm saying. Then he finally smirked and laughed.
"Oh, yeah. I'll give you a reward since you're such a good girl to share about your nightmare with me." he said, mischievously smiling as his hands crawled up over my waist. "And I'm going to make sure...you will like it. Ah, no...you will love it."
That whispered sounds a little bit...sensual. And I don't mind it. I don't even know if this is a good decision or not.
But, if I can be greedy. Just for once. Then I want to do everything and anything for him.
Even though it just a lie.