Kay buried his face into Yan Lan's embrace recovering from the panting and immense release that was built up through their passionate intimacy.
"You okay?" Yan Lan touched his flushed cheek, realising Kay's heartbeat was eagerly pumping still.
"Mmmm" Kay responded opening his eyes as he steadied his breath and look shyly back at Yan Lan after the fulfilling release, pulling himself further into Yan Lan's secured arms. Yan Lan smiled back looking at him as he recovered from his panting as well...proud and happy to re-mark what belonged to him and re-kindled the passion of their souls.
He pulled the covers over them and moved Kay in closer feeling his breath and heart beat against him.
"I love you Kay, really miss you a lot. Remember my words when we were back at our old place and I said I want to walk this life with you...?"
"I mean it" Yan Lan reiterated again. "I know there were many rumours lately, I know that it might have hurt you as it hurt me, I'm sorry."
Kay kept quiet, he didn't know how to respond. While on one hand he understood, the other part of him felt he did not want to comprehend the explanation. This fated path had casted many scars along their journey and yet everytime when he found a space to try to let it go for a better outcome for both of them, it seems Yan Lan would appear timely to reseal the bond. Those words open up the scars and the wounded heart bleeds again... his sobs were quiet as he was always trying hide his emotions to avoid compounding it to Yan Lan's worries. So much damage to each other yet their love is much bigger than all these. It takes a higher view above all that matters. He snuggled closer into Yan Lan's embrace finding the comfort in his warmth.
"What's wrong Kay? Why?" He felt the warmth of Kay's his tears against his chest
Kay was quiet .... "I came here to see if I can let go, Yan Lan." He said quietly and paused looking downwards...as Yan Lan continue his stare at him and then plunged into him to hug him further not wanting to let him speak or think further down that thought.
"I wasn't ready then to talk about it, but I was lost when I saw you today, I....just feel that amount of misses that compounded over time overwhelmed everything else when we held each other again" Kay confessed his thoughts and added on after that.
"... somehow this place seems to have brought me closer back to the past and let me see clearly at this cross roads even after so many iterations we are back at square one. I can't explain this feelings myself Yan Lan" Kay spoke transparently over this given there were many unresolved questions.
"Don't ....feelings are meant to be felt. Come back with me to see our new home...."Yan Lan said
"I know you love the beach, you can paint and spend your time there when you are off work or when you need time away."
"Yan Lan how do you see us going forward?" Kay asked trying to determine Yan Lan's thoughts and perseverance again. At this Yan Lan smiled and touch Kay's face "With you always building our lives and growing old together."
"You are so confident about it...." Kay was casually teasing back yet curious at this consistent view that had been presented by Yan Lan time and time again
"I am, I will be confident with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is reserved only for you since the beginning of time and will forever be reserved for you only." He responded Kay with such reassuring confidence
And in the quietness they fell asleep in each other's presence.
Yan Lan was again interrupted by dreams that night.
This time he saw Kay more vividly in his dreams. It's the same scene that he was afraid of ...it was a pickup from Kay's dream where he was last at the meadow field, where Kay was injured and he was not able to help, he was helpless trying to break through the spell that held him back in his sleep ... he was distress in that situation pleading for Kay to stay as he wanted to stop Kay from leaving in this condition..."Zhen Yuen! The name in his dream that he called "Wait! come back!"
Startled from Yan Lan's réaction and being a light sleeper, Kay woke up instantaneously
"Hey...what's wrong?" Kay asked
"Don't leave ...." Yan Lan murmured as he slowly came to open his eyes feeling the touch from Kay.
Kay was awaken by Yan Lan's moves and was concern.
"You okay? Hey..." he called out gently as he touch Yan Lan's shoulder. Yan Lan stare blankly at Kay as he came to realised he was just dreaming.
"I've been having those dreams again....he said, vividly clearer this time." Rubbing his eyes as he said it
"The same one?" Kay asked. Kay had over the years accumulated in his diary the dreams that both Yan Lan and him had. It seems strange that at times their dreams are similar in nature and at cross point, it was almost identical as though both of them were there. He had taken notes to join the dots and figure out but it's true as what Yan Lan said it had become more vivid lately.
"Yan Lan... I'm here, it's okay it's just a dream" Kay spoke in between the tight embrace.
Yan Lan continue to hold onto Kay before letting him go a little. Yibo look at him again before divulging his misses into Kay again. He couldn't contain his helplessly just recalling the dream. This time he tugged himself into Kay as he find some peace and comfort in his warmth as he tries to sleep back.
"Yan Lan..." Kay called out
"Mmmm?"
"Sleep okay.....were you still having trouble sleeping these days?"
"MMmnn, have to hug the pillow with your face on it to sleep but better with you here" he said as he fell back asleep after that
Kay felt pleased in a way to hear that, he knows Yan Lan had laced his bed with pillows of Kay's face around from the photo that Yan Lan sent earlier.
Being a light sleeper and an early bird he couldn't sleep back after waking up. he decided to wash up quietly and return to the study table to work on a few things drowning his thoughts on this while incident? just penning his thoughts down. Looking at the figure sleeping in front of him, he was contented.
Yan Lan as possessive as he is, comes across as confident person whenever Kay is with him yet only in Kay's eyes, Kay could sense the insecurity when things are out of Yan Lan's control. His passion and loyalty towards Kay has time and time again makes Kay wonder and ponder on his theory about their past. There was always a sense of familiarity whenever they look into each other' eyes, a deep connection that exists.
He dissected his feelings and realised that his actions were always surrounding the need and priority to keep Yan Lan safe that includes even to the extreme option of letting go to keep him safe but that's perhaps not what Yan Lan wants. Perhaps he should be like Yan Lan brave it and fight for their hearts desire to be together.
He picked him is mobile and off it after seeing a few messages coming through
That night left him thinking. He went back to the earlier stages when both of them visited a monk back in the past and they were given something that was written and translated for them. He has been trying to decipher it since.
'If a love could last through and be brought back against destiny that forbids them in the past, and yet fate still brings them together despite all odds, the flower could only bloom on a tree that allows it to, even under harsh conditions the flower will not whither because it lives from the tree that gives lives to it'
From a similar pattern of the dreams they've had, it was always surrounding their fate and as real as the emotions seemed, he had hunches and theories about their past that transcended into where they are although those were just hunches. He observed that Yan Lan is deeply engraved in ensuring how things will work out for them, always driving for it to happen while Kay's priority is always Yan Lan's safety, his love and emotion is translated into making sure Yan Lan is safe and happy. Somehow in his view that means staying away from each other so they won't get embroiled in situations that will cause them more harm and complications. Nevertheless, the outcome is still the same as their dreams, always a parting and never together yet their hearts want to spend the rest of their lives together, just being themselves, freely expressing themselves and not being scrutinise. Perhaps in this life the nearest possibility is for them to be on stage together, in a movie together under the pretence of acting on the screen. Surely there must be more to this if his theory is correct, surely the sacrifices, hurt endured, misses that had compounded over centuries should rain compassion even to those watching from above to let them at least walk this life happily.
That leaves him with the need to change his approach and views on how to deal with this predicament. Sacrifices that he is willing to take to let their dots join at least in this lifetime.