I don't believe in love at first sight or any of that stuff.
I don't believe that you could fall in love after looking at someone's eye and say that he or she is the one. It could happen, but I wouldn't know. Knowing stories that my friends use to tell, I can assure myself even the blind in me knows that I could not love just like that.
Generally, I don't believe in love itself.
I don't trust anyone who said I love you after the second night of your second date or even the first night after dinner. You can't possibly love someone like that, not ever. It was a concept I couldn't grasp up until now, but it might be because I'm blind and I've never actually known anyone who would willingly enough love me, it was always because they were pitying me or simply I was just a burden and they couldn't even bother on helping a blind person.
But I do believe a genuine act would change my mind, that is if I do know how they act around me. All of my life I've been ignored and possibly bullied for not being able to see I was always the perfect target of a 'harmless prank' of theirs.
I've never actually seen someone or known anyone was willingly helping because they treat me like a normal human being. They would always treat me different, well I am. But it was getting annoying, at times I even felt like I was treated like a monster, I meant I was just a who have a different perspective on my sight while they see colours I see black, I might not be able to see and it might limit my capabilities but I'm not entirely disabled.
Anyone could say that they love you but they never meant it.
But again the word love is weird yet beautiful at the same time.
The word love is used so frequently and I think it's meaning was getting a bit useless. But I do believe that I'm in love with dad's cooking and that's not a lie at all.
Tonight his making his famous beef wellington, best of the best, despite it looking a bit burnt and all, I do hope it taste good.
But that doesn't matter right now because I think I just become a hypocrite of my own statement. All of the things I said about not being in love with just words and I should just look for someone who was genuinely act. All of it changes after meeting with him and I didn't know that it would hit me this hard.
Nicholas White.
Somehow thinking about him makes my tummy feel butterflies as if the world stops when he stood there perfectly. His perfect smiles could really cure cancer if it could do that, his dimples when he smiles. His chocolate orbs and his tall figure, he was perfect. Well, that is what I hope he looks like, a lot of people would always describe his beauty at school and I would always, well that was was I hope he looked like by how my friends describe him.
I know, hypocrite isn't it, I was babbling how I don't believe in love and here I am silently admiring the guy as if his god himself. But I couldn't help it; ever since he helps me open the door and help me on my absence to Mrs Kang classroom I have somehow never seen such a guy like him.
remembering vividly how he had open the door when I was struggling a bit with the stuff and he offered me to help with the books. I've never heard someone was willing to help me like that well except if you count my girls and dad other than that I don't think I've heard or known anyone was willing to help.
So here I am. Here is Anaya Moore confessing her love at Nicholas White.
Well not verbally, of course, a written letter is more of my style. I had written a letter in braille, it was one the greatest thing I've done and it actually helps express my feelings and not all of them can read braille.
As if the letters I'm writing will bring any happiness to my own stories, but for all I know when I'm writing these letters I'm not going to send them at all.
My Bestfriend Liz, short for Elizabeth, proclaim that I was a bit too cold for a girl like me, despite being blind she told me I should try to enjoy life itself and should start getting a boyfriend, on top of all I should also try going to parties and try socializing. I would always reject her because no one wants the blind girl in the party.
No one really knows I have this tiny crush on Nicholas White, well except for dad. Since he caught me talking to the bear he had given me the last two summers ago about my undying love for Nicholas White
'Anaya... come downstairs! Dinner is ready I made your favourite,' I heard dad shouts from below and I grin like a Cheshire cat.
'Coming!' sprinting downstairs, well walking more aggressively while I hope I don't fall from the stairs, I came down slowly while holding on the handle.
'Do you need help?' Dad asked me but I need to at least do this alone since I don't think anyone would like to help me especially helping someone who was a burden.
'No... thanks, dad! I need to do this by myself.'
I was greeted by my father as he ushers me to sit down as he helps me by my side before sitting down and I touch the little dished he manages to make, it was not extravagant but it was enough for us.
So we sat down and I thank him for dinner and dig in of the beef wellington he made and let me tell you it's divine.
'So... nana are you excited that it's the first day?' he asked un-expectantly.
'Dad... don't remind me on tomorrow, I'm not planning on having fun, besides it's the same as the last semester this year will be my fourth and finally I will be able to work,' groaning at the thought of tomorrow another day of hell.
'Well, come one there must be something you'll look forward to tomorrow, how about the girls? Any classes with any of them?' he asked and nodding over another bite of the beef,' Yeah, I think I have some classes with Yura and Liz but I'm not sure, can you help me read them later?'
'Of course hun! I'll come by your room after cleaning up,' dad beams in happiness.
'Well, how about him?' dad asked, I tense in my sit as he mentions about him but I pretend I didn't know.
'Oh... I think I have classes with Dex too but I'm not so sure I'll have to check,' dad looks at me as he gives me the 'are you kidding me' look, but I wouldn't know for sure.
'You know I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about Nicholas Wh –'looking at dad as I signal him to stop.
'No Dad just stop - Dad... you know I don't want to talk about him again,' whining at how embarrassing it is to tell your father about the guy you're practically fantasizing every night, and not in that kind of way.
'What... you're old man just wants you to be safe and beside it wouldn't hurt if you have a boyfriend or such you're young so go have fun and I want you to spent your days not just believing being blind, you can't do anything,' grimacing at the thought of having a boyfriend, to be honest, it scares me.
'Please dad, not this again,' standing up clearing the dishes,' I'm not going to have one alright I like being alone right now and I'm not planning on asking on Nicholas or anything.' Again his name roll off my tongue and another batch of butterflies had somehow erupted in my stomach at the thought of Nicholas holding hands and being my boyfriend, it doesn't suit me but it felt so right.
'Beside it was just a stupid crush, forsake he opened the door for me and I stupidly falls for him,' I scoff,' hypocritic.'
'Just because my love story didn't end well Nana, doesn't mean yours too,' stopping for moment, I thought about mom,' You were given a second chance of life and I hope you would able to do something about it.'
She was one of the bitter thought that made me hate with the word, and a part of me still beliefs that it was her fault I do not like with the term of love.
She left my father with me at the age of 5, I use to be able to see when I was just an infant but suddenly I lost my sight and mom thinks that I was a total burden and had the thought of giving me up for adoption but dad didn't agree and in the end, they had a divorce.
I also thought that it was my fault and I would always ask dad why he didn't just give me up and he told me I was created to this world as a blessing and he couldn't help just throw a blessing away.
It was sad to hear my parents 19 years the old relationship was destroyed by my illness. Dad said he was fine but I knew better than that, he would still touch their wedding ring in his nightstand.
Since then she had never contacted any of us, no cards, no greetings, not a single check. Last time I heard about her she's married and was gifted with 2 children and guess what? They were healthy and not a burden, well for good for her.
It left dad devastated but it didn't stop him from giving up on life, he likes to proclaim that even if mom didn't love him, his heart will never change.
'He is almost in all of my classes I think, I can remember Yura screaming in the phone this morning on how Nicholas was in one of our classes... I don't know how but he somehow manages to be with me...' mumbling as dads eyes sparkles.
'But it's not like I would focus on him... it must be a coincidence and a bit closure since I will be moving on from him.' Determine at what I was saying dad only smiles and ruffles my hair as he ushers me to get ready for bed.
Watch out because Anaya Moore is not going to be looking at Nicholas White at all.