It was late night… and I haven't seen him for about three days. Both of us were so busy with school projects. This semester wasn't like the previous one where we actually had some free time, this is hell. We would only exchange a few words through chat and the replies are very far apart. We do our best to balance our time with school works and for one another but the best we could come up was chat. It feels a bit empty and incomplete but it's going to be over soon. Preliminary exams and projects will end soon. This went on for another two days… and after it all, finally I was done. I was so eager to see him again because I was done. I quickly sent him a text to let him know I'll drop by but…
Me: Hey love, I'm done with my stuff. Can I come over?
Him: Sorry love, I'm still busy. Almost there but I don't think I'll be done soon enough.
Me: Oh… do good, okay? I miss you.
Unfortunately, I got no reply back from him. I really wanted to see him though. I contemplated for a few minutes whether I should drop by or not. I had a feeling he wouldn't want me there, but I don't want to think that he's ashamed of having me. I'm not that bad am I? Our worlds are really different but… I think I can be someone he'll be proud of. After digging deep I decided that I'd drop by his place and bring snacks to him. It was kinda late; around 11 PM… fortunately, since students in our campus are mostly nocturnal, most coffee shops and stores are open 24 hours. I was able to buy him a half dozen box of doughnuts and I bought coffee at Starbucks as well. He loved doughnuts… he'd be happy. I know it.
It took quite some time but I'm finally at his dorm. This time though it was abnormally quiet. I guess people die down at night even in the craziest dorm side. I took a deep breath and started climbing that insane staircase. I made it to the fourth floor alive and after a few minutes of huffing and puffing, I finally caught my breath and I walked to his dorm room. I knocked… no one answers. Maybe he has his headphones on or something. I knocked again… louder this time… still no response. I began to wonder, or maybe he's asleep? I tried to knock one more time and this one was way too loud I guess because the student on the dorm room beside went out.
"Oh sorry! I didn't mean to bother you." I said.
"No it's fine… but the person you're looking for isn't there." he replied.
"Would you happen to know where he is or who he's with?" I asked.
"Not sure where he is but a while ago they were making quite some noise. Sounded like a frat party or something. You should try checking the frat or sorority square, maybe he's there. As a matter of fact half the dorm was invited. I just didn't go." he explained.
"I see. Thank you. Good night, though." I said and smiled politely.
But he said he was busy… is this where my doubts and uncertainties get assured? I stood by his dorm room door and patiently waited. I sat; I walked around and even finished that large coffee I bought for myself waiting for him. I played on my phone, listened to music and did more walking around. It was almost 1 AM and I was ready to give up when I heard noises coming up from the stairs, they sounded drunk by the tone of their voices. I stood and hoped it wasn't him. To my disappointment, it was.
He didn't look drunk. He stopped and looked surprise. I look at him in dismay.
"Dude, who's that dude waiting by your door?" One of his friends asked.
He didn't answer. He looked at his friend searching for an answer.
"Sorry to bother you…" that was my opening line.
"I'm Ford. I was sent here by one of Mr. Madigan's admirer and had me give this to him." I said.
I walked towards him and handed him the box of doughnuts and coffee. Nodded politely and walked passed him. As I walk down the stairs I could hear his friends asking who this admirer was… and I heard him reply with an "I don't know."
Painful it was, for your own boyfriend to be ashamed to call you his. I walked back to my dorm room in silence. It feels like the world died and I was being sucked into oblivion. After walking for a while which seemed like eternity, I came back to my senses by the sound of my phone ringing only to realize that I was already home. I must have been standing by my bed for a few minutes already. I managed to walk myself home safe, thankfully. I checked my phone and I saw it was him. I just let it ring… and ring some more. I didn't answer it. He started texting me, telling me to pick up my phone. I began to cry. The pain, the emotions began to bubble to the surface because of my isolation. Why did I believe that it would be real? I fucking hate myself. Still, my phone continued to ring. I paid no heed and ignored each ring like it was music to my ears when in truth, each ring hurts as much as a stab in the chest. After a while I heard a knock along with the ring of my phone. I raised my head and knew that it was him by my door. I walked towards the door and stood by it as he continues to knock. I stared at the door and cried, trying to contain my sobbing as best I could to not make any sound.
"Ford… love… I know your standing by the door." he says from the other side.
"Please… open up. I want to talk to you." he continues.
I just stood there. Contemplating whether to let him in or not…
"Love… please. C'mon… let me in." he begs.
After mustering up the life to see him, I opened the door. My face drenched in tears and my eyes swollen, I looked at him in utter despair. I tried to grit my tears and sobbing but as he came closer I broke. I fell to my knees crying like an idiot. I'm weak… all these years I kept a strong facade in front of many but this pathetic emotion made me weaker than a leaf flying to an incinerator. He comes closer, kneels and hugs me tight. I could feel his tears sliding by the side of my face as he hugs me but I hear no sound. No sobbing, just tears. I could feel his broken breaths… he's holding it in.
"Please stop crying… please." he whispers to me.
After an unlimited time of being pathetic and sobbing on his chest I finally calmed down. We stood up and we sat on my bed. He turned away from me as he wipes off his tears while I stare at the floor hoping it would suck me up. As he faces me I moved my stare towards him.
"Why did I fall in love with you?" I asked.
"Love…" he said.
"You and I are different… why did I think for a second that this would work?" I asked another.
"Please don't say that… You know how much I love you." he replied.
"Love me? If you loving me is lying to me… if you loving me is being ashamed of me… than I don't want it anymore." I said.
"No. I'm not ashamed of you." he rebut.
"Really? Is that why you can't introduce me to your friends? Is that why we only see each other in places where no one you know can see us?" I asked some more.
He couldn't answer. He just looked at me, searching my face for answers. I felt lightness on my chest all of a sudden after I asked him… but I need an answer. I started to feel myself again. I started to remember who I am and who I was once more.
"I need an answer, Brad." I commanded.
"I… don't have one. I can't excuse or reason myself out of it. I'm not ashamed of having you. I love you. You know I do… it's just that…" he paused.
"That? Who you are is more important than us, right?" I continued.
"No… that's not it…" he denied.
I stayed silent, waiting for answers…
"Brad… I love you and you know it… but now that I've proven those which I thought were only my doubts… I can't continue it like this. Before, I tried to make myself believe that it's not true… but truth hurts. I prepared myself for this… prepared myself for the fact the you and I are different… I don—" I was cut off by his intense yet fervent kiss.
He kisses me very deeply and intimately. I've never felt a kiss so fervent, yet undeniably painful. He releases and leans his forehead against mine…
"Please don't say it. I can't bear to hear it. Please…" he says as he begins to cry again.
"Please… please… Ford, don't. I can change. I can make it happen. I can't do this without you… please. Don't leave me." he begs, exasperating, trying to get a grip of himself.
I sat in silence beside him. I can feel he's waiting for me to say something. He looks up at me and I could see his emotions overflowing through his eyes. As he looks deeply into my eyes… I saw the pain caused by my silence. He crunches and grits his teeth trying to hold it in but it was no use. He broke down and hugged me tight, tighter…
"Ford!! Please!! I beg you!! I can't… I won't… I don't… I don't want to lose you!! Please answer me!! Please!!" he exclaims.
I began to tear up again… I hurts so much to see him hurting. I don't understand why I'm even thinking about it… if I was still the same person before I met him, this is something I can answer in a heartbeat. I would leave him and move on… as easy as that. But I guess it's different once you're actually there… logic… logic no longer makes sense. I've grown… painfully, but I somehow grew as a human being. He continues to sob and hug me tight.
"Brad…" I gently say his name.
He parts away from his hug and looks at me…
"I need time… to think and maul things over. I need to be away from you. You need this, too. We need to know what's best." I ask of him.
"… How long? I… I'm scared." he replies.
Tears still trying to flood my eyes, I blink to wash them aside.
"I don't know… I just need some space." I smile gently at him hoping he'll understand.
He looks around, thinking, contemplating…
"Okay… but… I won't let you forget me. I'll leave you alone… but I'll send something to you everyday… chocolates, flowers, anything just to remind you that I'm waiting." he asks as a favor.
"That… that's not going to work. I won't be able to think if there's any fragment of you around me. I need to be completely away from you. Winter break is coming and my parents actually want me to come home for winter. I guess I'll go home." I told him.
"You said we'd spend winter cuddled in bed… together." he tries to hold his tears as he says this.
I looked deeply into his eyes once more… so much pain in both of us… how can something so superficial do so much damage?
"I'm sorry… truly I am." I apologized.
He nods, obviously hurt. He looks at me one more time… he stands and looks at me again. I follow his movements… watching… waiting. He walks around, thinking… he looks outside the window and looks at me again after. It hurts to see him like this. He walks back to me and sits beside me again.
"Brad—"
He kisses me again… he moves and looks deeply into my eyes. He wipes my face of the tears I've shed and he does the same to his. He stands… walks a bit and looks back to me. He takes deep breaths and looks back to me…
"I'll wait for you. In my dorm room I will wait. I will not leave until you come back for me." He says, walks away… and I hear the door open and close.
I sat there alone… the silence was maddening. It was so intense I could hear my heart breaking and my world shattering at the same time. I love him so much… but I know I have to do this. I don't know if once I come back from winter break I'll still feel the same for him or will those feelings be gone. More uncertainties… but I know I have to do this. I need my space. I need time. But I need him.
A few days passed and it was time for me to leave for Winter Break. I finished packing my bags and was ready to leave. I was already by my door when my phone notifies me of a message. I check and it was from him…
"I love you."