After a few hours of travelling and transferring from one bus to another… I finally made it home. Two full weeks of absolute time without him around… it still hurts. I've spent a week without seeing him after that incident and this time another two weeks and yet the feeling still feels so fresh. It's agonizing. I walk up to the door and knock, and as expected my mom greets me happily. I put a façade of happiness pretending that I'm not hurting. She doesn't need to know, I came here for them, no need to worry them over such things. My siblings, along with my dad, welcome me home as well. I've only been gone for school but it feels like I've been away for eons. It's refreshing and heart-warming to see them again. Getting to eat the food that mom makes and those lame dad jokes and add the constant bickering of my older and younger siblings. There's three of us, Farrel, my older brother, of course me, and our younger sister, Fina. Farrel and I are 3 years apart, while Fina is 6 years younger than me. She was a buzzer-beater; Farrel and I really thought it was just gonna be us when she came out of nowhere. Good memories they were, when we found out that we were going to get a little princess.
It was dinner time when I arrived and mom definitely prepared so much. We sat at the table and started eating. They or we talked but I responded minimally while I try to reminisce. It really felt like eons since the last time I was here.
It was at this very table when I came out to my family, I was 15. I still remember the day clearly. It was your usual rectangular family table. Dad at the tip of the table, mom by his right side and us kids on the left, Fina, was beside mom during that time. Dad noticed that I was hardly touching my food… so as any normal parent would do, he asked me what was wrong. I snapped back to reality and I looked at him. I didn't know what or how to say it…
Me: Dad… Mom… I…
Farrel: What's wrong, bro?
Me: … I uhm… *clears throat*
Mom: Something on your mind, sweetie?
Me: Not much really… I was just… thinking.
Dad: About what?
Me: Dad I… I'm… … …
Farrel: You have to speak up, bro. We're not mind readers.
Fina: You okay, big brother?
Honestly after that point, I couldn't remember well how I said it… I knew I did but I couldn't recall how it came out and how long exactly it took me before I was able to say it. It was such a blur… what I can tell you, which is obvious already, is that they still accepted me. My dad even laughed and said that that was all I was worrying about. He was actually more scared that I'd say I failed a subject. They were very supportive… they are family and it's to be expected, but sometimes it's just scary to come out to your own family… to the people who matter most.
After dinner we were at the living room, I still haven't had a change of clothes. I sat on the sofa then Farrel sat beside me with his arms behind my neck.
"So bro, when will you introduce me to your special someone?" He asks.
"You haven't even introduced me to your girlfriend yet and you want me to introduce someone to you?" I jokingly replied.
"Hey, at least I got one. I'll invite her over so you can meet her." He replied.
"I look forward to it." I said, in a seemingly flat tone.
"Did I hit and break some ice on that?" He added.
I looked at him and shook my head. I stood and told him I'll just have a change of clothes. I went to my room and reminisce even more. I never do this… why is this so special for some reason? Is this what people who've gotten hurt do? Remembering all the good stuff non-stop? It's annoying. This is why I hate being a human… so fragile… so weak. After I had a change of clothes I hear a knock on my door. It was Farrel, again.
"You're trying to get me to say something, aren't you?" I said.
"I haven't seen my little brother in a while, you know. And I for one think you need to tell me something." He replied.
It's not like this was new. Farrel is some sort of a psychic. He, like my parents, always knows when something is up with me. Unlike my parents, he bickers constantly until the beans are spilled. He drags me to his room, sets the play station up to play… while of course, I burst my drama at him. I tell him the sad and miserable story of my life while I was away. Mentioning every detail, pausing every once in a while as I break down into tears; all those juicy details of love and pain… and how his little brother has finally lost his virginity to someone who shattered his heart into pieces because he was fucking dumb. Not that it mattered.
"I've never seen you so human…" he said.
"What do you mean?" I said as I tried to stop myself from sobbing like an idiot.
"All those years, you were the most logical and smartest between us three. You looked like you were detached from the world and any form of emotion. If I recall, we were in this exact same situation before you went to college. I was the one broken then… do you remember what you told me?" He relates to me.
"What did I say…?" I paused to think what I told him then.
"I remember… I told you… more like I asked… why do you cry over something so superficial." I said.
"Right… so I'll ask you the same question now. Why do you cry over something so superficial?" he responds.
I looked at him; I know it was a rhetorical question. I guess I finally understand why. I punch him on his arm and he punches back. It's hard to think that me and this guy are related… but I guess it's nice and I was fortunate I had an older brother. Then we hear someone knock on the door, Farrel opens the door and I could hear Fina getting mad that he was hogging me all to himself. Fina barges in and sees my tear-drenched eyes. She punches Farrel in the arm and asks what he did to me. I chuckled seeing them like that. It's heart-warming to see them again. Fina comes close to comfort me while Farrel plugs in the third controller. We used to play together growing up. More often than not, Fina would get mad for dying constantly while me and Farrel just laugh at her. After a while another knock on the door disturbs us… it was mom and dad. Just like when we were kids, they used to bring us some snacks in our room while we play… today was no different. We bonded so much… how fortunate I am to have a family like them. After a few hours Farrel notices me scratching my eyes constantly…
"I guess it's time we let Ford have a rest. He did just get home. The travel must've exhausted him." Farrel said.
"That's a good idea. Besides, we will be going out tomorrow as a family." Dad added.
We exchanged good nights and I headed to my room. My bed here always felt softer for some reason. Since I was exhausted I drifted to sleep easily.
The night passed and my sleep was heavenly. I woke up to the sound of a knock at my door. I get up and open it and as expected… it was Farrel.
"Bro, c'mon. Take a bath and get out." Farrel says and leaves.
I let out a soft sigh and a smile. It's stupid of me… but I've been living in my school dorm for quite a while that I grew accustomed to it. I really thought it was him knocking. No one else would. I shake my head and went to the bathroom to get a bath. Finished, got dressed and went out. They were all ready and prepared. Farrel, who's a graduate photographer, has his oh-so-fancy camera gears ready. Our little princess, Fina holds me by my arm and pulls me. Sometimes the attention I get from our family makes me feel like I'm always dreaming. It's surreal. We got in the car, we kids at the back and parents in front.
"Where are we going exactly?" I asked.
"Well, Fina wants to go the amusement park; we'll drop by there first then we'll eat afterwards at your favorite restaurant." Mom replied.
"Amusement park… you still enjoy those places, huh?" I asked Fina.
"Of course. It's where I spent most of my childhood." She responded.
It was true. When we had Fina, amusement park started to become a thing. Whenever she wanted to go out, parks were always a part of the trip.
"Wait…" I said nervously as I switch my look between Farrel and Fina.
They smiled at me as if they were gonna kill me. It suddenly dawned on me that we were really gonna go to the amusement park. I always feared going because of Farrel and Fina.
"You're getting kinda slow. You used to realize that within seconds." Farrel said.
"He was away. Maybe that's why he's gotten slow." Fina added.
You see, as kids growing up… and being the middle child, I was subjected to sibling bullying. Whenever we went to amusement parks, they would drag me to ride the tallest and longest roller coasters which I never liked. I begged them to spare me but they're evil to the bone. When we got to the amusement park, they didn't waste time to drag me to those damn roller coasters. I swear I just close my eyes when we ride it and hope I don't shit myself.
As the ride starts to move, I came to my senses that I was actually no longer scared of it… because of him. We rode it once. We sat as he held my hand through it all. It was comforting. I knew I had him that time. Dang! This isn't good. I'm regressing. I have to stay positive while I'm here. The roller coaster ends and I was abnormally quiet.
"Bro?" Farrel asks.
"Yeah?" I responded.
"You okay?" He follows.
"Not really…" I replied.
I told Farrel and Fina the story and Fina hugged me. I apologized to them. It was stupid of me. I'm trying to enjoy my time with my family but he just keeps popping up. I asked my siblings if I could take a walk alone for a while and they gave me my space.
I walked alone… around the park. Watching families… friends… and couples enjoy their time. It's a warm yet painful sight to look at… those couples. I had that… had, past tense. I chuckled a laugh as I think of how stupid I am right now. Before I laughed at other people for loving too much… and now I'm laughing at myself. The amusement park was set beside the city bay so I decided to refresh there. I walk towards the edge when I saw a familiar figure from the distance. I walk closer; the familiar figure faces me…