Chapter 4
White, as fierce as red, as definite as black.
The white walls in my room is closing in on me. I can't breathe. My heartbeat is racing like wild animal sent off to hunt. I can hear every sound, the soft rhythm and flicker of the fluorescent and the rustling of the leaves outside. I can feel every texture in my skin, every fold in my brain unraveling and the crispness of the fabric of my bedsheet is hurting my skin. My senses are betraying me. I wanted to feel the silence, the numbness but the pain continues to burn, deep and electrifying.
Two months ago whenever I woke up my head would spin and I began to drift like a lily on a river. The spinning felt like riding on a roller coaster that just goes round, falling and flying. I had to get a grip, to hold on to something so that I won't get lost and fall and never fly again. I don't focus on anything to keep them from blurring. I had to blink twice as much, before, I do this usually when left speechless at the things men say now it was a different thing. I wanted to consult someone, to hear what this condition is. But it would only takes time, effort and attention. Maybe, I thought then, it will wear off, that it was just a lack of sleep and water. Maybe it wasn't that serious.
Now I'm gripping on my bed side table, the paint of the edges peeling and my knuckles are going white and numb. I'm spinning in a whirlwind of tornado, crushing everything on its path, destroying what has been build. Two months ago, all I have is a maybe. Now, I regret.
I fall my head on my pillow, closed my eyes and follow the direction of the spinning. A moment later, I dream.
It's not like I'm dying but dying is way better than this. But I don't understand why I didn't have a notice. It was like a bomb was dropped and all you have to do is wait for it to explode and destroy.
My eyes are red, dangerously on the edge of showing the definite ending.
I opened the message earlier
Meet me outside.
It's from Reider. I have no idea why he was asking me to meet him. I have no idea where he got the idea and the guts to actually talk to me. We're not actually friends so there's nothing we could talk about, unless he's going to ask for warnings and advices again. Maybe he got into a break-up and thought we're friends and wants me to comfort him. Either way, I don't care.
Ding!
I know you're there. I can wait.
Ding!
I will wait.
What is wrong with this person? I stood up and went to my window. The blinds are down so I can peek in between spaces. He's there, hair so messy it's kinda blinding. Ha! The metaphor. His hands on the front pocket of his jeans, rocking back and forth on his heels, eyes on the ground. A bike was thrown on the sidewalk. I walk back to my bed.
Then wait. I thought.
To: AJL@gmail.com
From: Jeobitching@gmail.com
Subject: White!
What the hell!? I am so nosy that I opened the letter named for you delivered in our front door. Why didn't you tell me anything? Are you okay? We have to talk. Have you told your aunt yet? I'm crying right now. White maybe painful but black is definitely not your color. Meet you on the bus tomorrow.
Of course she's not crying right now. She cries when I'm with her. It'll drive her insane if she cries alone. I know she'll know eventually so I purposely put her mailing address as mine when I got my check-up. I asked the opthalmologist to just mail my result since I'm not strong enough to hear it personally. I don't want anyone pity or worry about me. Jeo will get-over it soon. She knows when to shut up and pretend that everything's alright.
To: Jeobitching@gmail.com
From: AJL@gmail.com
Subject: Re: White!
Sorry I thought it'll be good as a surprise. I'm resting. Don't be late. Bring me shades.
I went downstairs to grab a snack. And then it occur to me that I haven't checked if he left. They say when you met someone new, you want to get to know everything about them. No, I don't want to get to know everything about him. I don't want to put off him so I'm putting him off.
I went outside to find him sitting in our front porch, head on his knees. Maybe he fell asleep. That would be really uncomfortable.
"I already thrown my old notes from freshman year. Try next door." I said leaning against the doorframe.
He stood up and faced me. I always fear the day when I can't focus on that face or any face and I'd have to ask who that is. But now I'm enjoying how I can clearly see every outline, every shadow, and every color in his face. "That would be helpful how could you." The sarcasm in his voice makes me giggle. "But all I need now is your time."
"What for?"
He started toward me, reaching in his pocket and revealing a music player and ear buds.
"Listen to this." He leaned in and put the earbuds on my ear. The gesture and proximity is going to kill me, I had to step back. He hold on and press play on the player.
The first note is delicious to my ears.
tiptoe
down the hall from where you live
these floors are talkative
but it's alright, it's alright
so quiet
a little house out in the woods
and it would feel so good
if you would stay, if you would stay
"So? What's that? Did you wait all this hours just to ask me to listen to that?" I asked, removing the earbuds off my ears.
"No, I waited to ask you if you know where the nearest record bar is. I thought you're studying and this is no importance so I just waited." He explained
"What?"
"A record bar"
"I know. You're idiot."
"I am. Will you help?"
"All this time you sit here, why didn't you just go find it? It's easier looking and learning the ways by yourself."
"Will you help?"
"Don't you have any friends yet at school?"
"I do. It just happened that they live a province away. And I'm new here."
"It's already 9 in the evening. Don't you think it would be late for that?"
He's fidgeting. He closed his eyes before starting again. "Okay, okay. I didn't go here to ask for directions."
"Good to know. Good night!" I turn around and close the door. Soft knock on the door came. I press my palm on the door and closed my eyes. I felt the vibration with every knock, so strong yet not loud. It's a different kind of music. The beating constant, the rhythm not changing.
"There's a coffee shop not far from here. And I heard a couple of people are going to perform a slam poetry. I'm not sure if you enjoy those kind of stuff but I thought it's worth a try." I heard him saying from the other side of the wood separating us.
I heard his footsteps retreating. I opened my eyes and went outside.
He turn and smiled.
"Coffee is not my thing. But what do you really want?"
"To have coffee. With you." This is not a date.
"And then?"
"I don't write the future. I make them. So, can you go? It's okay if you have something to do."
"I have no idea why I'm going to say yes to this but can you wait? I have to grab something."
He's rocking back and forth on his heels and giving me a contained smile.
The café is a little weird and crowded. But we found an empty table at the very back. We sit and ordered. We sit there in silence, observing every customer that comes in and out of the glass door. One customer to sitting at the bar is reading a book of Bukowski. I wonder how he manages to understand the texts beyond the noise of the room. Now that I thought of it, I never really know Reider's name. He gave me a surname because I asked him. We met 3 times now but all I have is a surname and his features. I don't want to ask anymore because that would make me look interested. And I am not interested, I just want to know. And this awkward silence in the history of awkward silence doesn't work for me. This is definitely not a date.
"Just a couple of days ago, you're the most unapproachable person on planet earth. Is this one of your good deeds for the day?" I paused hoping for a reaction. "You do know that it's a school day and drinking coffee will keep us up all night, right?"
He was staring at something outside the shop. I wonder what. He turn to me and smiled. Why does he smiled?
"That belief is just a state of mind."
"You know simple chemistry right? Coffee contains caffeine." I make a pointed look. "Caffeine makes your nerves go wild."
"I don't want to get technical or anything but according to Chemistry, coffee is a solution. Maybe that's all you need."
"I don't understand the argument"
"I don't see an argument."
Our order came. I took a sip, bite on my waffle and stared back at him.
He stood up and went to the counter. He asked for something and the attendant gestured for him to wait. When he came back, something smelled like cinnamon.
"Did you just put cinnamon on your frappe?" I made a disgusted look. I don't find cinnamon goes perfectly right for drinks, especially not cold drinks.
"Why? Am I going to die if I did?"
"I hope not but that's disgusting."
"It's not. It's actually tastes descent. Wanna try?" He offered
We're not getting anywhere. And maybe this is what I need for tonight, not coffee. We talk about senseless stuff but I don't mind. He said that they just moved here with his mother and an older brother. They were from California. I don't know anything about Calif but I wanted to visit the place someday. His brother graduated 2 years ago and now working as an architect. He was supposed to be a junior now but the curriculum here is different so has to take general subjects of freshman to advance. So He wasn't technically a freshman. Then that makes him the same year as me. We talked about how awkward it is being in an elevator with random people. One day he ended up making small talk. He got into chat about nuts.
We talked about how fascinated I am about sounds. When you place our hand on a speaker you feel the sensation that keeps you calm. I like how the vibration went from its surface through my skin and veins. It's relaxing. The beating makes you wonder how in the world it was made. If anything, I should be deafening not going blind. I spend too much time beside loud music and booming beats.
He told me he's signing up for the school band. He's never played in a band for cheering squad though. But he plays bass guitar and played in a real band back in California. He said he just wants to breathe out the rhythms from his palm.
How perfect it was meeting him, who wanted to release the beats and rhythm, and me who likes the sensation of the music in my skin. This would be a fun ride.
We talked about school and how he'll survive.
"It would be nice if I share a class with you. Having someone you know in boring classes is a good thing to and a drive to continue going even though it sucks" he said. That is just how I felt a couple of days ago. Now I wonder if he reads mind.
"Can you read minds?"
"That would be so cool but no."
"You'll get through your generals. If you feel like sleeping, then sleep. Minutes will pass and the professor will not even notice you. If you feel like eating, then eat. Just make sure you have extras so that if he sarcastically says that you can eat if you will share, then you can get back on him with his own sarcasm."
"When did you become so sure of these things? You have an advice for cheating?"
"Oh no you don't. Don't ask me for that, I might tell you. And if I tell you, you'll do it and guilt will hunt you like an ex-girlfriend."
"Like an ex-girlfriend?" He laughed. His knees bumped into mine when he moved. I gasp. He didn't noticed. "You like simile? Let me give you a better one." He leaned on the table. Before he can say anything, my phone ring.
He settled back and gesture for me to answer it.
"Thanks." No caller I.D., I answered the call. "Hello? Who's this?"
"This is Daniel."
"Oooookay? Then?"
"Lif gave me your number" I know someone named Lif but no Daniel.
"So? Who are you again?"
"Daniel"
"Okay. What do you want?"
Reider raised an eyebrow and sip on his drink.
"I'm looking for a textmate" I laugh, catching attention from nearby customers.
"Seriously? People like you still exist?" I heard him murmur something uncomprehendable. "I'm not, so bye." I hang-up
"Who's that? What's funny?"
"Can you believe that some people can't still find friends personally so they have to make a random call and ask for them to be friends with you?"
"So you have no idea who called?"
"Yup."
"What's his name?" he asked
"Daniel. Can I ask you a question?" I asked
"Yeah." He answered
"What's your name?" I asked
"Can I ask you a question?" he asked
"Okay." I answered
"What's yours?" he asked
But we both didn't get our answers.