He stood straight and stared at me waiting for a reaction. But I can't give him any because I am paralyzed at the moment. My heart is beating so fast like it might explode.
"Hey?" He said.
"Um, yeah. Uh... yeah..." That's all I have and being super awkward. I don't know what to do with my hands, with my eyes, with my mouth.
"Do you want to have dinner?"
"Uh, right, food. I'm starving." It feels like I'm talking to myself, don't know where to look.
I started walking.
"Hey, this way." Yoon called.
"Right. That way." I'm hitting my head for being so awkward.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me to his direction. We went to a pastry shop.
"This is food?" I asked.
"I don't know what you want because you're not saying anything."
"You are right. Let's go and find real food."
I started for the door. He stopped me.
"I don't know if you'll be able to eat that's why I chose this." He said.
"Ah."
"Can we talk?" He asked.
"Sure."
I am so tired I just wanna lay in bed and be done with it. The shoot went on for a whole day and we're not even half finished. My body is so sore and my mind is burning. But the good thing about being young is you just have to sleep it off and you'll be as good as brand new.
I quick on my steps and reached the last bus ride. I have no time to scan seats today so I'll just hurry at the back seats.
I get on and just as I pass the third seat, a hand grabbed my left arm and I fell on the seat next to it. I was so out of myself and quickly scan the passenger's faces if anyone laughed at what happened. Thank goodness everyone's preoccupied with their own lives. I turn to the perpetrator and my angry face turn into an even angrier version. Yoon is facing me with his grinning face. I wanted to punch him.
"You jerk." I whispered. I don't want to make a scene but he's gonna regret what he just did.
Or not.
I've missed him. All the fatigue I was feeling moments ago disappeared just like that. I hate him for making me feel this way.
"You didn't even see me." He laughed.
"I'm tired. Whole day of shoot."
"Thought so." He shifted to make more room for me though there isn't really much room to shift though. "Do you want to change seats with me? It's more comfortable here."
"Okay what do you need?" He wants something. He won't just trade the best seat for me.
He's grinning. "Nothing. Just trade seats with me."
"All right. Thanks."
I get up so he could move pass me. I sit on his seat and lean my head on the window.
He sit next to me and put his bag on his lap.
"I'll just take a nap." I said.
He shifted and slouched a little and put my head on his shoulder sending butterflies in my stomach. I quickly put my head up because I felt my face burning, my hands sweating.
"It's fine. You'll hurt your neck later." He said and put my head back on his shoulder. It is comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.
I close my eyes.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked
"Why can't I?"
"You know how I feel, right? I just don't want to make you feel like there is something to hope for when I don't have the time to commit to anything."
"I know. I understand. Can I hold your hand?"
"Why would you hold my hand?"
"Because it's soft and I want to hold it."
Calm down. Please heart calm down.
He hold my hand and put it on his bag that is on his lap. MY HAND! I don't want to freak out but I don't want him to see that I'm losing my shit right now so I just let him. I pressed my lips together to keep myself from screaming. I can't believe I'm just letting him do this.
"I know you have priorities. And I know that you're afraid. But I'm willing to accept all your tendencies whatever they may be."
What tendencies? This jerk. But I did not say anything. I think I'm dying here. We're on a bus for crying out loud!
"Everyone's afraid. And if you don't want to commit, that's fine with me. I just want to be close to you. Can't we do that?" He asked.
"I don't want you to do things for me that I can't reciprocate. I don't want you to hate me. You know that, um, yes, I like you but I'm not sure with my feelings yet."
I don't know why I'm talking like this.
"I don't want you to do anything for me. Just yet."
"Can you just let me try? I won't ask for anything in return."
"You're just saying that."
"I'm not. Just let me." He sighs. "I really like you."
Oh no the butterflies.
I open my eyes and put my head up.
"All right. But I'm telling you now, I've never been in a relationship. I don't know how to handle my 'tendencies', as you call it. "
He chuckled.
"But if you're insisting just because you think my feelings will grow and is enough for you to hold on to, then all right, let's give it a try."
I realized right then and there that I am so scared. So scared that what I'm feeling right now is different from what I'm saying out loud. I think I really like him. Just as much as he likes me. And that scares me.
He smiled. "Thank you. I won't promise empty words. I just want to act on my feelings."
His grip on my hand got tighter, sipping all the energy left in my body. I leaned on his shoulder and drift off. I didn't even realize when our bus left but we reached our place just as fast.
I don't see Yoon much these days. Maybe because exams are coming up and everyone's so busy preparing for it. I usually hang out with Emma and Sam and finishing shoots in between break periods. I'm just glad that I'm handling my academics well.
It's 8:30 on a Friday and I'm packing my stuff to get ready to go home. I'm really hungry but I have to get on the last bus so I rush out.
I saw him standing outside 711 near the bus station entrance. I went straight to him.
"Hey." I said and stop in front of him.
"Hey." He smiled.
"We haven't been seeing each other, huh?"
"Yeah. Exams are coming up. And, um, I'm arranging my sched for next sem."
"This early?"
"I figured if I take more loads next semester and the semester after, I can catch up with you before you get busy for your finals on your senior year."
"Why think that far?" I chuckled. "It's not like I'm going anywhere."
"I'm not obssess with you okay?"
I laughed. "Why would you even think I thought that?"
"I didn't!"
He's so defensive. And cute.
"You know what? The first time we met, I thought you are the coolest cold hearted guy. But now you are all soft and defensive."
"I'm not. What are you talking about? Anyway, the bus."
"Yeah. Let's go."
We walked to the entrance of the bus station and lined waiting for the bus. There's still a lot of people so it's good thing we can still catch the last trip.
"Hey, look." He said while taking out a small paper bag from his bag. "I saw this at a Japan home center while buying for materials."
"What's that?"
It's a headphone adapter.
"It's a splitter. Let's try it. Do you have your earphones?"
"Yeah. Here." I searched through my bag for the earphones and handed it to him.
He put my cable to one hole of the splitter and put his on the other and then he inserted the adapter to his phone. He fidgets through his browser and settle on a song.
A rock ballad blasted on both our ears too loud that both of us flinch and threw our earphones off.
We both laughed.
"You are seriously going to kill me." I said laughing my head off.
"I'm sorry." He chuckled. "Let's try that again."
He lowered the volume and we both put our earphones on again.
"Guess it's working."
"Yeah."
I removed one bud off my ear.
"Why are you going home late?" I asked him.
"I have to do something."
"Ah."
I put the bud on my ear again and waited for the bus to arrive.
The week went by without seeing Yoon again. I'm not disappointed or anything. We just don't even see each other on bus rides because I always go home late and his classes finishes early. He's not the type to hangout at school because he hates it. Sure he's good with his classes and has great friends but he rather stay home or take pictures at the park.
Exams are coming up next week. I have to focus. Every now and then I get angry because my groupmates are plain annoying and just don't do tasks I assigned them.
I'm on a cafe with Emma and Sam. We decided to meet up and review together before the exams tomorrow.
"So what's happening between you and Yoon?" Sam asked without looking up from his notes.
"Nothing. We're friends now." I said.
"Or friendlier." Emma added.
I shut my notes and leaned back to stretch my back. We've been here for hours and we've only covered 2 subjects. This is gonna take a while.
"I don't know anymore. I said all right when he asked me if I can at least let him try. I debated over and over if I can handle it. I asked myself if I'm ready for it. I wasn't really sure what I'm doing either."
I sigh.
"But the thought of him holding my hands gives me butterflies and it's like I want him that way, to just hold my hand."
Sam snorts but say nothing.
Emma shut her notes too and leaned back on her chair.
"When you start to have questions, that's when you realize that there is something."
"When you have a question on your heart, that's when it'll all start."
Emma said and drink on her coffee.
She put her cup down and continued.
"So if you don't want to go further and further, don't event think about starting anything."
She paused and leaned in closer to me like she's about to warn me about getting killed or something.
"The first desire is the biggest one. Espcially when you've never dated anyone. It's like opening the Pandora's box. Do you get it?" And then she smiled.
That's right. There's something I didn't take into account before saying yes to him. But what can I do?
I arrived at school too early the next day to prepare for my exams. I went to the Page since there's still few people hanging out there. I sat on the seat against the wall so my back is to the counter so that I don't get distrated by people coming by. I put on my earbuds playing korean songs that I don't understand. I started on my reviewers and checking the time every now and then.
Maybe two hours later a cup of red ice tea appeared in front of me.
"Is everything okay?" Yoon asked sitting next to me.
I removed my earbuds.
"Have you ever awoken from a dream so vivid, so beautiful that it renders reality itself grey and lifeless, but you have no choice but to face it as you cannot live inside your own head?"
Yoon stares at me.
"Mondays, am I right?"
He laughed and get the earbuds that I was holding. He put it on his ears as his face tries to register what he was hearing.
"What is this?"
"Song that I don't understand. The only kind of music that doesn't distract me too much and doesn't make me wanna sing all the parts and hum the tunes while reviewing for exams."
He stares again.
"Kpop you damn."
"Okay, no need to be feisty." He chuckled.
He removed the jack from my phone inserted the splitter we used last time and then inserted both our earphone in it.
We stayed like that for another hour and went to our separated classes.