I am so embarrassed about a couple nights ago, it was our pep rally for the upcoming sports event that our school always participate to. I'm thinking about face transplant or extreme make-up. I cannot do anything about my clothing because uniform cannot cover what I really look like. I just don't know how those people will forget about me or how badly I behave. It wasn't really entirely my idea to go wild and feel like drunk but how am I supposed to blend in with the group if I'd sit there all night? There are also people sitting and just watching the party and the bodies moving and jumping and pushing. But why didn't I just sit like them. Because my friends are dragging me half way across the gym. I could just pretend to be mad but I didn't even try. They will always remember how I am so not participative with everything fun they do. So I let them drag me and push me and lift me even though the last thing I wanted is someone lifting me. So on the other side of the gym we're all going wild. Not so far from where all the dancing are chairs and people watching as the night unfolds.
"That vocalist is so young and so pretty" Emma said looking at the stage.
"Yeah and so talented too." Sam said "I think that bassist is her brother."
"Her brother is so hot too."
The event was supposed to be just a little more boring, introduce the athletes, games, giveaways, music and bands, hand waving, laughing at individual conversation, letting the unknown bands look like losers, cameras and flashes, and just sitting at a corner and clapping after each performance. But after the last band came a rave party and half of the entire gym is field with moving bodies. And ear-shattering noise and blinding lights. I was sitting there in front, just smiling and keeping small talks with anyone who tries sitting beside me and out of nowhere EDM starts playing and all are standing. I was just watching like everyone else. Then Jeo came out of nowhere dragging me and threatening to lift me if I will not try to party. When she couldn't get me to move she called everyone else to pull me off my seat. And so we're jumping and pushing. Everyone is there, Emma and Sam and my other friends. I'm too small for this place so every time the music goes wild I was always pushed. Hate this music. The sound of teenager. It has a savage energy. I screamed along with the music. It was a good scream like all the fun that's inside me came bursting and flashing along with the lights. Too dark and too loud. Too numb to feel anything. I have to play dead. And then when I stopped jumping I see faces. All we're calm and sitting. And I wanted to drown myself in shame. Mira was beside me and she put her arm around my shoulder keeping me locked beside her. And she keeps on jumping with the music. Whenever I try to pull away she gives me the look that I hate so much, the look that says "let go and I will not talk to you anymore". Not that I felt I will lose something or someone that I needed something from but she is my friend so I have to do this to make her happy. She always thought that I am no fun and at times like this is the chance to put a little fun in my life. But this is not my thing.
Someone said that I have a very sad playlist. I never really thought about that because I listen to music when I have to sleep. You don't want loud music while you sleep, right? That constant, slow beat tends to keep me calm and it's easier to focus on one thing. It distracts all the other thoughts that might occur in my head in the time that I wanted to just play dead.
"You have a very sad playlist." Mia said emphasizing the word "sad" and going through my phone's music. Her ipod's dead and she can't stay in one place without doing anything so she borrowed my phone. It's like her sedative when she can't be tamed and mine when I'm losing myself.
"Really?" I said looking at my phone in her hand "What, you expect more of 1D songs appearing in there? Because you know I hate those guys."
"Why do you hate them? They're talented and good-looking bunch of English boys going for pop music."
"That," I said. "is the very reason why I hate them."
"Which part? They play pop music?"
"No, they're English guys."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Do I have to explain everything?"
"Ahmmm.. yes?"
"What about a NO?"
"Okay then, I'll research on English boys's music."
"Yes please. Or maybe try your history subject."
This sound, like rain but when you look out the window all you saw is blue sky but you kept hearing the rain and it keeps getting louder. Rain, thunder, cracking like gunshots in your head, so loud you just scream.
But I still dance and jump and scream. So when I try again to sit she hold on. And we're walking like drunk. Chairs are all over and I am getting to my bag but she keeps her hold on me and I am losing my balance and any minute I will end up on the floor in front of people. I am almost to my bag when I trip over my own foot and Mira's arms are still around me, I am losing my balance and I'm losing my dignity. Someone has his hands on my waist, firm but gentle like he thinks I might break. He was sitting on one of the chairs beside my bag. I caught my balance but did not turn to look at him. I am too embarrassed to even try or think about looking. And so I looked like a total wasted, not drunk but absolutely look like I am, 12 year old college girl. I remove Mira's arms around me and told her I am leaving. She gave that face but I stand firm.
"I will not make it to the last bus." I screamed the words so that she could hear over the music. She nodded and hug me.
"Take care."
I looked for Emma and Sam before I leave after hours of doing research at the library and they said it was okay. I pick up my bag and went to the wash room. I brushed my hair, put powder on my face and perfume all over my body. I looked fresh for a minute. I calm my nerves and went to go home. When I get to the bus stop, a long line was waiting for their turn to get on. It wasn't late yet and I know another bus will still arrive. When I get to the line I saw Alex. I am too far from him and I think I couldn't make it on that bus when he did so I just stared out of nowhere to avoid him seeing me. I don't want to get in to conversation with anyone right now. The bus is pulling away when I saw him getting off. He still does not see me so I turn the other side facing other people in line. Where is he going? Maybe he's hungry. But he's an idiot for going off the bus. It will take a while until the next bus to arrive. I thought of going for his seat on the bus but someone beat me to that so I just stayed where I am.
The bus arrived half an hour later. I planned on sitting at the very back so that I wouldn't be disturbed by those standing but I chose to sit a little bit front so that it won't be hard for me to get off when I fell asleep. I found this nice tv series yesterday and I thought of finishing it this morning but didn't get the chance because I overslept. I turn on my phone and put earphones on my ears and watched.
The bus is almost full. I haven't notice some are already standing but we're still not moving. They're trying to fit last minute commuters since it was the last ride home. I continued watching. My eyes are started to hurt so I stop watching and tried to sleep.
When I woke up I noticed that we're still a long way from home. I couldn't sleep anymore but I badly wanted to. I've been up really late last night because I've still got tons to write with my article still not half done. I'm losing inspiration and knowledge about my subject and it's driving me crazy so maybe how I behaved at the event is somehow the aftermath of my depression.
I had this feeling that someone's staring at me. I realized that I haven't got only a feeling but I am really being stared by this boy standing beside our seats. I am sitting by the isle so I don't have any reasons to turn. It would really be awkward for me to look at the direction of someone who stares at me. Okay hot boy I am not in the mood. And this someone sitting beside me is so comfortable by the window I hate him. I sleep again.