For one continuous week, Pam is graced by presence of Tim and Lissy in the office. No matter where it is, at the elevator, ground floor or even in the executive floor. It is something she is conditioning her mind to get used. All along she thought she is really doing well.
Pam was awakened by the sound of the doorbell in her unit. She does not have plans of going up but the person ringing the bell was persistent. Reluctantly she fixed herself a little and without much thinking she opened the door. She was stunned by the person standing in front of her. The man was looking at her with piercing gaze.
"What brings you here?" She stammered. She could not remember telling him or providing her unit number to anyone.
"Are you hiding something from me?"
"None…what do I need to hide and why should I hide?"
"Well you just resurfaced after 7 long years don't you think that is hiding?"
"I did not hide," she continued to stammer feeling a bit guilty. "I had to go away."
"You had to go away?" At this point Tim moved forward entering her unit.
"You are not invited inside; don't you think it is rude to enter without my permission?"
"Did you ever inform me that you are breaking up with me before? Have you ever had the decency to do that? Did you ever consider how I felt?"
Pam bit her lips; tears are now streaming down her face. "I did not mean to hurt you!"
"Did not mean to hurt? Then what do you mean when you left me with nothing? You are selfish! I am glad you are out of my life otherwise I would not have met Lissy. You made me feel miserable!"
Pam could no longer bear what she hears. She shouted back to Tim, "What can I do?! I heard it directly from you! How can you call me your fucking toy." The strength that she is trying to keep melted. She crumbled in the ground.
"I know it's my fault I never even gave you the chance to explain neither did I made an effort to confront you." Her voice is now low, she is trembling and sobbing as she continued, "I have never felt confident to stand beside you."
"Don't put the blame on me Pam. I did all what I have never done before for you. I even considered marrying you, but I was more concerned about your future and the choices I may deprive you from. It is my worst fear that you will leave me and find someone else. You made my worst fear happen without single word, without giving me a clue. You deserve to be single Pam!"
Hearing those line from someone who used to love you is the worst thing ever. Tim stormed out of her unit leaving her broken and alone. The last line is still resounding in her ears. She kept on saying over and over,
"I am sorry I was stupid,
I am not worthy of your love.
I made you disappointed
I made mom die
I killed my baby"
Pam felt her heart crushed into pieces, there are no words to describe how painful it is. Her endless sobbing is becoming louder with the pain in her abdomen. She could not stand and kept slumping on the floor. The abdominal pain getting stronger making her breathless…she felt like dying, without a sound coming out she cried for help. Will she die alone? Is this her end?
The throbbing pain in her abdomen woke up Pam from her nightmare. When she opened her eyes, she is indeed alone, curled in her bed. Her head is covered with sweat despite the air-conditioning on. She was crying in her sleep. The bed sheet is wet from her tears and snot.
She scanned the room, there is no trace of anyone else inside however, it felt so real. So real that she could feel not only her abdomen hurting but her heart as well. There were times she wished to be alone but she never wished to feel empty. She suddenly felt scared in reality she is like an orphan only she in her late 20s. She grabbed her phone, she wanted to talk to someone but it's odd hour of the day. She is also afraid being burden to this someone. Instead she started typing in the notes application of her phone. Being alone made her think of possibilities in the future.
She will secure her savings and give 50% to Auntie Sue and family while 50% goes to Save a Child Foundation. She is also providing full authority for Jenna to retrieve the documents from her safety deposit box.
Thinking of her bags and some fine jewelry she invested in, someone needs to enjoy them in case she is gone. She is giving this all to Jenna.
It's morbid to do this but her loneliness made her think rational in a way. Tomorrow she will have these document arranged by a lawyer. She is also plan to inquire in safety deposit service of one local bank.
The lack of sleep is very obvious in Pam's face. For the first time she tried to hide the black under eyes lines she got with a concealer. Today is the steering committee meeting it's going to be one of the last 3 sessions before closing the program.
Finally the program is coming to an end, she can rest and be free of worries. Going to Australia is definitely fixed in her mind.
Inside the conference room all except for the Release Manager whom they had invited to join is missing. One the committee member initiated a joke with Pam, "are you switching careers Pam?"
Surprised with sudden question addressed to her, everyone's eye is focused on her. "What do you mean?"
"I thought you may want to be on-ramp or on tv you are as statuesque as model now! You should not deprive your self of food."
Even Tim who is looking at his email suddenly gazed at her intently. It also concerns him somehow that Pam has been continuously losing weight. From the time he was able to have a closer encounter with her at the Arya residence, Tim could not seem to find the fullness of her body.
Pam retorted with a sweet smile on her face, "it's fine it's not like I won't be able to to talk or do something else." Although she is smiling it's hard to ask where she left the sparkle in her eyes.