Maisey laid on the cot with one arm behind her head and the other resting on her stomach watching the sun peek through the trees as it tiptoed into the sky. She could hear people moving in their own campsites and wondered where they might be going at 630 in the morning that required them to unpack and repack every piece of gear they had brought along. she inhaled the smell of nature and realized the smell of fresh bread baking was making her hungry which made her wish she had the energy to get up.
Her entire body ached. Apparently 3 days of 5-10k hikes and long canoe trips, had been a dumb idea. Her shoulders, back and legs burned from the use; muscles were stiff and sore in place she didn't know could be sore. She knew better than to coddle her muscles though, she knew if all she did was lay there they would get worse. Despite knowing she needed to get up and stretch, Maisey continued to lay in the truck and enjoy the rising sun.
A door slamming woke her abruptly and Maisey snapped upright on the cot in time to hear "Maisey are you here?" as Brett opened the canopy. He inhaled, "I have been calling and messaging you for two days!"
"You knew where I was," she said irritably and laid back down.
When he realized she wasn't going to get up he popped open the tailgate and climbed in to sit next to her on the floor of the truck bed, "you're avoiding me," he accused, "it's not going to go away."
She knew what he was talking about but she wasn't ready, "how was round up?"
"We can't find 3 so we abandoned the search yesterday." He draped his arms over his knees, sitting crossed legged knowing what she was doing and searching her with his eyes for injury or anything serious he couldn't fix. "I only hadn't said it before because I knew it would spook you, " he told her, "but now that it's out, I can't take it back."
"I'm not spooked," she growled, "I'm angry. You can't love someone broken like me, I'll never be normal, I'll never like intimacy: don't you realize that? No matter how many nights I sleep in the same bed as you I will leave you unsatisfied. No matter how much therapy I do or how long it's been, whenever I get in certain situations or when you touch me in certain ways I can't control the fear, the terror, the reactions that will come." She rolled away from him, angry tears threatening. "I can't be what you want and now I can't stay because it will just make me feel more guilty knowing I'm stopping you from having a better life."
Brett ground his teeth, "Do you think I care?" He forced himself to be calm and civil, "Didn't you know that I walk away and turn down everyone that tries: I don't need sex to be happy with you; I need to see you smile when a calf wobbles on newborn legs, I need to hear you laugh at a movie you've seen a thousand times, I need to wake up with you in my arms and know you're safe." He wished Luke and Jesse had never come into her life. "I don't want more than we have right now. I like what we have."
Maisey shook her head, "And when you don't?"
"Then I will tell you." he hoped it wasn't a lie.
"I can't ask you to give up your chance at a home with love and laughter and kids for me," she forced her tone even, the way she always had when speaking with Luke.
"You aren't."
"I'll think about it," she lied. She knew she wouldn't, she knew she couldn't live with herself knowing he could have had more than she could give him. "Did you call off looking for those cows because of me?"
"No," he let her change the subject now, "you can only look so far: every ranch loses a few animals to wild animals-- you remember that wolf that tracked you? he probably wasn't alone and he certainly had to eat and feed his family." He knew he still couldn't try to touch her. "Have you had breakfast yet?"
"You know I haven't," she closed her eyes and told herself it would be ok hoping she wasn't lying to herself, "give me 10 minutes and then we can grab food and head out on the water: I've got a canoe booked for today again."
Brett scooted out of the truck, "10 minutes and in coming in after you." he threatened.
"Did you bring Henry?" she asked.
"No, I didn't realize he wasn't here with you until I was halfway and Tony called." she could hear him rifling through the food. "I'll whip up breakfast while you get reoriented."
"No thanks," she groaned, "I've had enough bacon and eggs for a while. Besides the bakery makes fresh breads and muffins every morning: I've got a craving for..." she poked her head out of the truck and laughed.
"Cinnamon bun with cream cheese, bottle of milk and a toasted bagel with butter," Brett grinned at her with a sweep of his cowboy hat, "I figured you might be and I haven't seen you for a week so I didn't want to share you quite yet."
She forced her expression to be happy and pleased, "Thank you," she groaned as her arms protested the weight she had to put on them to get out of the truck. Brett looked up at the groan, and immediately tried to hide the concern he had over her well-being, "I'm ok cowboy, just had 3 days of very physical activities when I'm not used to it, everything aches but in a good way."
"I honestly expected to find you at the day spa," here chuckled, "staying at the hotel, I'm impressed to see that not only did you camp out, you've had fires and cooked food over it and pocket stoves instead of going into a restaurant."
"Only breakfast," she told him, "believe it or not I grew up a Scout-- I've been cooking and sleeping outdoors since I was 8. It was only since Luke that I stopped," she shuddered, "His idea of camping isn't something I ever want to repeat."
Brett noticed immediately that she didn't freeze up or get anxious anytime she'd talked about Luke that morning but he didn't want to point it out. The way he figured it: the less distraught she was the more likely she was to move on with a healthy life. He handed her a small paper plate with her breakfast on it, "Can you see if there's any fruit in the pantry bin third from the right?" she asked and he came back with two apples and a nectarine. She took a nectarine and sliced it up on the plate, amused to see Brett pull bacon out of a styrofoam container.
He sat at the picnic table and watched Maisey go through her routine: dressed while water boiled, hair up, wash herself, clean up, tie garbage bag, grab a bag from the end of the truck and load it with water and snacks, then she put on her hiking shoes declaring herself ready to go. Brett grabbed a water bottle and tucked an apple into his shirt pocket: taking a big bite out of one he motioned for her to lead the way and offered to grab the bag. She lead him up a few blocks on foot and down an alley until they came to an open bay door.
"Morning Maisey," Brett tensed as a man about his own age approached, squeezed a too familiar hand around her shoulder in greeting, "I've got you all set up for this morning's paddle, I wish you'd join the tour group: it's not safe to be alone on the water."
"She won't be," Brett drew attention to himself: it was the first time the other man had even looked at him, "I'll be with her."
Maisey was used to Brett coming to her rescue and smiled, "This is Brett, he was supposed to be with me from the beginning but he had to finish round up. I'm excited to show him some of the places you've been sending me: they're truly beautiful. I love the water."
The man's disappointment was evident, "Glad to meet you Brett," his tone did not echo his words. "Its good she won't be alone, she's pushing herself hard and I worry she's overdoing it."
"Don't worry man," Brett forced a smile, "l will look after her." The two men stared at each other, their hands clasped in a handshake that was a show of strength: Brett applied a little extra and was rewarded by the other man releasing his and pressing a paddle into it.
Maisey pretended not to notice the display of manliness and found a canoe already strapped to wheels with two paddles and a life jacket already ready to go. It took a minute to find a life jacket for Brett but then they were off, guiding the canoe on wheels to the beach.
Despite her frustration over the L word, Maisey loved watching Brett's muscles as he paddled, it was evident he worked hard. His whole body was lean and toned. Not something she could ever tire of looking at: they had rippled and rolled as he dipped his paddle into the water smoothly, following her directions. Sitting together on a shore taking a break and grabbing a bite to eat she found herself resting her head on his shoulder while she watched the waves: the water had gotten choppy and difficult to paddle in. There was something soothing in watching the waves despite the roughness.
Brett was enjoying her nearness, he loved when she drew strength from him as she was unconsciously doing. He loved knowing she could trust him so much after the traumas of her life. He took a chance and kissed her forehead, resting his chin on it and wrapping his arms around her. He was glad she didn't pull away. "Its going to be a hard paddle back," he told her softly.
"I think I'll call for them to do a pick up." She responded, "I'm not keen on trying, the wind is getting stronger." he agreed. The shop had been expecting her call: the van and trailer were already out doing pick ups and would not be long.
Matt scowled when he pulled into the grass behind Maisey and Brett: he'd been hoping to invite Maisey for dinner and that this time she'd accept but the scene before him told him the answer. They were standing watching the water: she was in front leaning into Brett and his hands were gently on her waist, his head next to hers. Matt heard her laugh at something Brett said and refocused on the canoe and gear.
"You're sure you don't want a lift?" Matt asked them, "it's 8km back to the shop and 2 more back to your site: that wind is an indication of a storm."
"He's right Maisey," Brett said, "we don't want to get caught by whatever nastiness that comes." she resigned and climbed into the van with Brett. The day had shown her one thing: as much as it hurt to move forward it was truly time for her to change.