Change wasn't easy but when Maisey looked back at her life with Brett the past year she realized just how much she had already changed thanks to the safe space that was the Bogs.
Maybe too safe, she'd realized while in Waterton. Brett's declaration hadn't helped, but she'd enjoyed allowing herself to have his attention the way it had become obvious he'd wanted to. She was grateful for his restraint: always there to help or cuddle but never forced and always with the invitation to tell him to back off and she did a few times just to test it. But did she let him because somewhere inside she cared about him too or was it just because he made her feel safe?
As soon as they'd arrived home, he'd had to leave again: construction problems at one of three line cabins that was underway. Tony had brought up Henry, who had refused to leave her side after that, she absently patted his head. As she wandered around putting things away she considered the conversation with Brett.
She wanted to be happy with what Brett was offering, she wanted to be able to let him be her world but she hated the idea at the same time. She hated feeling like she was giving him control of her life-- even if it was in a different way than Luke had control. she hated feeling like she needed him to feel okay. She slammed a cupboard door, angry with herself when she realized that's how she felt. Andy, Anna, Lucas and Brett had been good to her and had always treated her well and she loved them for it, but no matter how Brett felt and what he wanted she needed to know she could be alone and self sufficient.
She stopped unpacking and made a phone call before she could change her mind, "Terri-Lee?" she pushed on, "I need you to find me an apartment."
Terri-Lee starred at her phone after hanging up. She had not expected that call. Apartment in a secure building. She smiled and called her building manager, "Gerald," she grinned, "I've got a tenant for the penthouse but you're going to cut your rate in half."
She listened with a shrewd grin, "you're going to do it because I asked you to and because one day you'll be able to charge double because she once lived there." Gerald argued more but in the end Terri-Lee won out.
Terri-Lee picked up her wine glass and went back to preparing for her next case: if only all her problems were solved that easily. She wondered if the cowboy would be with Maisey when she came or if there had been a falling out. She hoped not: she had been looking forward to seeing the other cowboy again. She sighed wistfully: not that she would do anything about it--a ranch was no place for her designer shoes and a working man didn't belong in a big city. Distracted by her case she pushed thoughts of cowboys out of her mind.
Maisey looked up at the tall building in front of her, "it's not quite what I meant." she said flatly.
"Secure building, good neighborhood, two bedrooms: it's perfect."
"It's in your building."
"It is available immediately."
"Who did you have the manager kick out?"
Terri-Lee laughed and Maisey found her laughter infectious. "Come on, it's the safest building I know and the suite was empty." Terri-Lee watched her grab a single bag from the truck, "I thought you'd have accumulated more stuff." she admitted.
"I don't think I'll ever stop being a minimalist," Maisey shrugged, "besides, the house is mine so leaving my stuff behind isn't an issue, and I left a note." she hesitated, "I guess this will tell me what kind of people I came to be with."
Watching her face, Terri-Lee saw the hope that she'd never seen before in her client's eyes: hope. Terri-Lee had been with Maisey since she had finally found her way into the hospital and Luke had been arrested. At first it had been a very professional relationship, but the laywer had quickly learned that Maisey had no one she could trust in her life. It hadn't taken much for Terri-Lee to become attached to the young woman and she'd loved the changes she had seen in Maisey since she'd gone to the Bogs. She wasn't a young woman terrified by shadows anymore: she had a confidence that Terri-Lee knew was the result of a healthy home life. She wondered if her friend would digress now that she had left the Bogs.
A part of her wanted to ask what had happened: a call out of no where asking for her to find an apartment in less than 24 hours was unexpected. The folks around the Bogs had made it very clear that Maisey was one of them and that they protect their own: she worried about what had changed, especially since there had been no talk of selling the house or requesting an ownership change. A small part of her wished she could call the ranch to find out if they even knew she had left. Fear had left her damaged: more than anyone would ever know, if the books she'd written were any guide, but Maisey had been seeing a therapist, her ex-husband and his family were not able to get to her anymore, and she had begun to trust: trust was hard for women that came from abusive relationships and worse for women who had been as abused as Maisey had been.
It had been her pleasure to lock up Luke and then Jesse had come along. For Maisey's sake she hoped that would be the end of it, but she'd understood the woman's request for an apartment in a secure building. It would help keep her safe.
They entered the penthouse and she realized there was a lot of things she'd taken for granted: Maisey had no furniture.
"It's huge," Maisey gaped, "I don't need this much space Terri-Lee, this is bigger than the whole house..." she paused and sighed, "I guess it's time to spend more of my money."
"So we're going shopping?" Terri-Lee's eyes lit up and Maisey groaned. "You'd better settle the dog first, he won't be allowed to go into the stores."
Maisey cringed: she wasn't going to like that and neither was here. Henry was her solice. She didn't know if she could go without him. Terri-Lee was silent as she watched Maisey fight an internal battle. "The other choice is you stay with me tonight and we shop tomorrow."
Maisey's resolve strengthened, "No, we'll go now." she chastised herself for adding to herself that buying furniture would help her when Brett called-- and she knew he would once he got home and found her gone. She felt bad for leaving without telling him and only leaving a note but she knew it would be harder to go if she waited. She wondered at her impulsiveness, it had been a long time since she had been able to make her own decisions without fear of backlash, a small part of her wondered if that wasn't the reason she'd left.
She hugged Henry and set out a bowl of water and food and his blanket, promising to be back soon. She left her pack but pulled out a wallet she tucked into her hoodie pocket next to her phone and left with Terri-Lee. If the other woman noticed that she kept checking her messages, she didn't say anything.
Shopping turned out more overwhelming than she'd expected and in the end had walked out of the furniture store with nothing. Terri-Lee had remained to discuss details with the staff while Maisey forced herself to breath in a bathroom stall. Her hands shook and tears threatened while she hyperventilated. Too many people, and too much stuff in too small a space.
Her phone buzzed and Anna's name flashed on the screen, she stared at the screen for a moment before picking up, "Anna," she whispered onto the phone.
"Oh darlin," Anna turned calming and professional, "you're having an attack aren't you? are you breathing like you've been taught? can you lay down?" she didn't wait for responses, "are you safe?"
"Shopping with Terri-Lee," she forced a breath, "locked in bathroom...I wasn't ready for sale crowd. I got triggered, I'm almost ok." Anna made all the right noises to help sooth her.
"I can't believe you bolted," Anna said softly, "Brett is not going to handle it well."
"I can't see where I end and he begins, I need to know I can do this without running to him. I need to know I can just be me."
"Waterton wasn't enough?"
"Waterton was where I realized I didn't know." she admitted, "I looked for him every day, reached for my phone every five minutes, I had to stay busy, and when he was there I let him be in charge. I let him control everything. I need to know I can be ok without him, so I can let myself be ok with him."
"What are you saying?"
Maisey rested her cheek against the cool metal stall wall, "I care about him so much but I can't say the L word because I don't know if it's real."
"It's real," Anna told her, "it's real and you're scared of it."
"I went right from Luke to Brett."
"It's not going to hurt him any less."
"Don't let him come for me." Anna hesitated, "Please, Anna, I need to be sure I'm not latching on because he's the first person I felt safe around and that he's not latching on because I'm there."
"Alright," Anna agreed, "But don't expect him to wait if it takes too long, I won't let him die of a broken heart," she couldn't keep the edge out of her voice. "Get Henry a service vest and don't go out without him again," she chastised, "you've got all the paperwork for it and an attorney who can help you."
Maisey agreed, "Come visit when you can."
"When I can," Anna promised.
Maisey heard the bathroom door open and ended the call with Anna. She splashed water on her face while Terri-Lee chattered about her negotiation skills: the store was loading a delivery van that would meet them at the penthouse. Did she like plants?
"I can't do more today," she heard herself say, "I need you to help me with Henry's paperwork, he needs a service dog vest. I need to get him so we can do that."
Terri-Lee watched her a moment and realized she was pale and shaking, "Are you okay?"
"Panic attack," she shrugged, "That's why Brett and Tony insisted on giving me Henry: he knows when I'm going to have one and what to do. He protects me. I need to make it so he can always go with me."
Thinking of Brett's underhanded way of getting get to accept the dog made her smile, he'd never asked door anything when he'd started looking after her. She was glad to have Henry with her: a small piece of Brett with her all the time. If the thought had registered she might have rejected the idea but Henry was a part of her.