I believed all this time that I was good at walking away, but Kawashita proved me wrong. Before I could say anything again, he moved away, grabbed his coat and said, "I'll pay for the room. You know how to contact me if ever you change your mind."
"Stop with your gentleman act." I gritted my teeth, standing up.
"Cover up for the sake of my pants, senpai," he said, gazing at my eyes and going downwards to my breasts.
I jutted out my hips. "Why resist when you can have me now?"
It was like getting hit with cold water when I saw Kawashita's ears reddened, realizing I had become extremely forward. I flushed as well like it was contagious. Maybe I really was drunk. On instinct, I covered up my exposed mammary glands with my hands and glared at him accusingly.
Kawashita swallowed and then cleared his throat. "I'll see you again, Matsumoto-senpai. That's for sure."
***
There was nothing I could do. My first attempt at this casual thing and I got turned down. To think I had kissed him first. Mentally slapping myself didn't help. The floor could just swallow me up please. I stared at the closed door, went home and slept, dumbstruck.
The next morning, I woke up with no headache until I remembered last night, and I came with another realization. Nothing happened. I was still my normal self. I put a hand to my stomach, feeling light. But that didn't last. When night came and I saw myself at the mirror, glancing left and right, I began to wonder what's wrong with me. Was I not attractive enough?
It stayed with me the whole Sunday until I remembered the tent on his pants and the hardness of it when Kawashita was on top of me. I knew then there was something different, something I couldn't get right out of my mouth.
I lay awake that night, tossing in my bed, reliving the encounter last Friday night. My throat went parched. The aching desire grew. Something I hadn't experienced before—I wanted to touch myself. Kawashita's caress, lips, his warmth, and the way our bare skin touched—every sensation seemed burned and marked into my body. It lingered, swirled, and exploded as if he was still there beside me, his steady eyes on me. I got out of bed and bought another pack of beer to get through the night.
Kazuya ambushed me on Monday before my class in the morning. He had sent me a message last Friday which I replied briefly and carefully not to mention anything that would give me away. But Kazuya being Kazuya, he smelled something more.
"Did you go somewhere with Kawashita that night?" He gave me a sideway glance, smiling. "I'm right, aren't I?"
"I didn't," I said without looking at him and without batting an eye. "He only walked me home and why would someone as popular as him be interested in someone as boring as me?"
Kazuya's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped open. "Is this really happening? The great Matsumoto Reiko belittling herself?"
"Shut up." I laughed. "Don't you think it's odd? Maybe he and Tachibana-senpai had a bet."
He waved his hand, dismissing me. "I think he's interested in you. He followed you without hesitation."
I frowned and then shook my head, thinking that maybe I had a point. Kazuya grinned. "If you're that worried, why don't you ask him yourself? I'm sure you have his mail address. If not, he's in several SNS."
Kazuya's suggestion led me to his Twitter and blog on Tuesday night. The blog was private but his Twitter was public even if he posted sparingly. There were pictures in concerts and friends. I scrolled for a few more until I couldn't anymore. Seeing his face was like adding fuel to the fire. It made my recollections more vivid. I shuddered at the thought of his lips and warm breath against my ears. I was on the edge, almost tipping.
I believed it was the unexpected free time and the fact that it was almost half of November that sent me over and decided to be spontaneous for once. After all, what would I have to lose?
My last class on that cloudy Wednesday afternoon was cancelled. I glanced at my wristwatch. It was a lot of extra time before my dinner meet up with Kazuya and Tanaka-senpai. I had two options, library or back to my apartment. I chose the latter. I could already see my apartment building when the idea took form in my mind. I hesitated twice, turned around once, but something kept me going—lust, desire, loneliness—I couldn't tell. One thing was for sure. Mom's death anniversary was looming over me like an impending storm and clinging fog.
After taking a rain check with Kazuya, I attempted to send a message to Kawashita but backed out at the last minute. Leave it to fate, I reasoned with myself. If I couldn't find him in his school, so be it. It sounded comforting and less embarrassing.
I walked fast as I could, half running on the way to the campus, a twelve to fifteen minutes' walk from my apartment, afraid that I would change my mind. I scanned the place and noticed that leaves of the trees were already golden. A dreadful feeling along with a memory hit me in the gut. I had been unconsciously ignoring it for the past few days.
But I was here now. Inhaling, steeling myself, I headed on.