I took the long way home, purposefully winding through the chaotic marketplace as I tried to lose myself in spontaneous conversations. A dog snapped at a young thief, who scuttled away with a stolen pastry. A woman bartered in the background, demanding lower rice prices.
They have it much harder, I reminded myself. But with every step I took, the weight of the past dragged me down. Sometimes, fighting to survive isn't the hardest part. It's finding the purpose of continuing living.
A girl born in the second month at midnight, destined to be a curse on all those around her. It was said that they carried shadows from the other world, remnants of past sins so horrible that they couldn't be cleansed even by rebirth. And for that, these girls would greedily drain the life forces of those who came too near.
My parents were the first victims. From Duke and Duchess of Dongping, they both became corpses by my first birthday.
My uncle was the brother of the empress, a scholar full of promise whose roads should have led him to the imperial court. Yet after he took me in, he was never promoted again, today still a lowly official who couldn't even afford a single servant to tend to his wife.
Even my unborn cousin wasn't fortunate enough to escape. I heard from neighbors that my aunt had a miscarriage the month I arrived and was told that she would never bear a child again.
Who would be next?
After wrestling and discarding the thought for so long, for the first time in seemingly forever, the question came back to haunt me once more. Or maybe I never left it behind in the first place.
Even if I became the best medic, I still couldn't make up for sins from a former lifetime. Just when I thought I could finally lead a normal life, I had to lose my self-control. How would I ever step foot into the apothecary again? I was condemned to be ever chasing after a glimmer of hope that would never be mine.
I was born to the darkness, and only until I returned to hell could I rest briefly before the next reincarnation took me. Maybe in my next life, I would become a tree.
"Aiya!" The familiar voice jolted me back from my thoughts. Oh no. I mentally braced myself for the storm to come. "Youshi, it's getting dark. I was becoming anxious. Wait, that Liu kid didn't do anything to you, right? If he did, I'd knock a tooth out of him."
I looked up to see the sun slipping past the horizon. For how long I mulled about on my way home, I do not know. All I knew is that my aunt would never let me hear the end of it.
"You're awfully silent. That Liu kid! I knew he was a rotten one. How dare he! Listen, my precious Youshi, I don't care about the apothecary. If he's already treating you like this, we're going to break up the engagement." Luckily, the streets were empty. Unfortunately, my aunt's voice carried for seemingly endless miles.
A smile couldn't help but creep onto the corners of my lips. I reached to soothe her by patting her back, but I stopped myself in time. Superstition or not, I shouldn't get too close. "Aunt, I'm fine. I just got caught up on my thoughts. Brother Liu did nothing. Let's go home now before you draw a crowd."
"Don't you help cover this up!" Unexpectedly, she rambled on. When she was caught on an idea and stuck in her inner fantasy storybook, even oxen couldn't pry her loose.
Casting another glance behind me, I turned the corner.
But there the fortune teller was, casually propped up next to our door, making it clear that he was expecting us.
"Miss, I mean no harm," he nodded his head at my aunt, acknowledging her, before bowing to me. I took a small step back, nearly stumbling before my aunt caught me.
"Aiya. You are?" My aunt's voice boomed, cracking at the last note. She was also a bit startled, but I was speechless, a thousand ants crawling within my throat. Fear. There was nothing left in me but pure fear of the unknown.
"That's not of importance. It's the princess's fate that is of concern."
"Out!" Her voice was quiet, quieter than I ever heard it be. "Leave… at once!" She stammered, "You barbaric Northerner… get out of here at once and… learn the difference between 'duchess' and... 'princess' before you step foot in Liang again!"
The Northerner smiled, lightly fanning himself, avoiding my aunt altogether. "Princess, do you not want to know the truth?"
With each mention of the word "princess," my aunt grew even paler.
His dismissal of my aunt was infuriating, reminding me to hold my ground. How dare he bring more discomfort to someone I was so indebted to.
"I care not what people say, much less what you might have to say." I hid the shiver that tingled in my spine, making each syllable ring clear. "Also, I ask you not to speak to my aunt that way. It is the most impolite." I motioned for the door, one hand resting on my aunt's back. "I bid you a good day, sir."
"You think yourself merely a curse."
I paused, my fingers momentarily frozen, unable to push the door open.
"There's a chance to turn your fate in three days. Seize it, and you'll help change the course of the North. No, not just the North, but the entire land. Princess..."
My aunt crumpled, barely clinging onto my arm as if she was going to collapse. At that moment, all anxiety disappeared, replaced instead by a tinge of humor.
To think, I already couldn't control my fate. Who does this man think he is, disturbing my aunt and taunting me with a false future?
Why had I thought him to be a legitimate fortuneteller in the first place? Even though he appeared to be, his words proved that he wasn't in the right state of mind. Whatever he might have to say, the words were meant for someone else. I was no princess, and the North was a barbaric land, terrorizing Liang into the position of servitude but not having a tinge of dignity or refinement.
He surely wasn't in the right mind if he believed I was to help the North. There wasn't a crowd gathered around this time to listen to his foolish talk anyway.
I feared no one but the casual tendrils of gossip that would slip through crevices into my home. If I only and not a crowd of passersby in society was the audience, being called a curse was no bother.
Losing control once to this lunatic was enough.
I curtsied, making sure to keep my cool this time, turning to him and looking him squarely in the eye before helping my aunt inside and lightly closing the door behind me.
"Whoever is wedded to the princess is destined to become emperor."
The closed doors couldn't block out his words. And much later, I realized that the closed doors couldn't stop the course of fate either.