"You'll die." My aunt looked at me as if she thought I went mad.
I gingerly touched the side of my cheek where Brother Liu had struck me, wincing a bit upon the contact. I was sure it was swollen by now. Combined with the soot and ashes caught in my attire, it probably made me appear frenzied at best.
Suddenly realizing I was in no position to fit the role of a princess to be gifted to a neighboring kingdom, I tried my best to make myself more presentable. But oh, those creases in my dress just wouldn't go away. I brushed and patted desperately, blocking out all else, especially my aunt's warnings.
"You'll die!" She repeated, this time more forcefully. Her nails dug into my flesh as she tried to shake some sense into me, but for the first time in my life, I was more than aware of what I was doing.
I was trying to dust the stained parts of my dress.
I was trying to run away from this place.
I was trying to free myself from this life.
I was trying to find a purpose.
I was trying to be a curse no longer.
"Youshi! This isn't light matter!" My uncle added, raising his voice and balling his fists. "The Northern palace is no joke!" He began muttering to himself. "Books, books, books! How is a book going to get you out of this situation!"
From the pile of texts on the desk, he picked up a random book and began thumbing through it furiously then promptly threw it against the wall. I cringed, knowing from its binding that it was his favorite.
Even my aunt stopped shaking me, instead turning to look at her husband in shock.
Seeing them so, a pain throbbed inside my heart. I briskly walked over and picked the book up, letting it rest in one palm while soothing out the bent pages with my other. The sheets were already thin from being read and thumbed through so often, and they crumbled upon impact. Luckily, the binding was still intact. My uncle loved his collection, scraping together whatever coins he had from missing meals. But now, the cover had a crease on it, one that wouldn't go away no matter how much I rubbed my fingers over it.
"Uncle, please. Aunt, please. Let Youshi go in peace." My lips quivered, "I'm tired of being a burden. I would rather die knowing that I at least did something other than being a bane on all those around me."
Those words came out in a heave, and I immediately felt as if a rock was lifted from my chest.
If I couldn't fight fate and force it in the opposite direction, I wanted to be the one knowingly steering into my future.
They became silent, looking at me with newfound pity.
A dry cough broke the silence. We had forgotten the court servant was still in the yard, and I would like to believe that he too forgot.
"If you so wish, I suppose Your Servant cannot say much else." Was that a look of pity in his eyes as well?
He took off as if he had never come.
"Youshi—" My aunt opened her mouth, then pursed it. "You can read these letters if you want." You gestured towards the table where the loose papers sat.
Some part of me wanted to lunge forward and collect the letters and cradle the wooden box that held them until morning. The other warned: so much for wanting to free you from the palace; with the first mention of a political alliance with the North, you were their candidate.
"No thank you. I'll meet them in person instead." Saying those words mustered all of my willpower.
I would hang on mindlessly to the past no longer.
Silently, they too closed their bedroom chamber doors, leaving me alone in the barren courtyard with my parcel and the damaged book, "The Songs of the South."
After a long while, their oil light was blown out.
It was good that I hadn't taken the letters, for there was no way I could make out the words in the darkness. Without moonlight, I strained to make out the words of the poetry book. But some verses, I knew by heart. "To fly a thousand miles, the bird returns home. Upon dying breath, the fox heads to its birthing den."
I would return never again, I vowed. I wanted to leave behind this hideous past for good. If that meant I would meet my end in an unfamiliar land, then be it.
Retreating to my room, I took off my robes and changed into a cleaner one. The night air was frigid, pricking my skin like a thousand needles. I felt like a caterpillar, breaking free of my bounds and changing into a moth. From the pitcher, I splashed cold water onto my face, shivering from its iciness. To see my reflection in the tarnished bronze mirror was an impossibility, so I knew that I had done my best.
I was aware that I was running from reality by preoccupying myself with these idle tasks, but I knew that if I stopped for a mere moment, my mind would immediately jump to all of the potential consequences and remain fixated on the idea of birth parents. I couldn't let myself stop.
The night was still long, without a glimpse of dawn. I instead knelt in front of the bodhisattva shrine, clearing my mind of all sins and gazing emptily at his smile until my knees turned numb. It was the longest night I had ever lived through.
When I heard the first knock, I thought it was a dream. "Aunt, I'm coming," I mumbled instinctively, reaching to remove my thin blanket. I instead grabbed at thin air, jolting wide awake.
Only then did I realize I had slipped off into sleep, sprawled most disrespectfully in front of the altar, the "Songs of the South" flipped open beside me, its broken pages rustling from the morning breeze.
I set it on the altar before bowing to the bodhisattva once more.
"Coming." My voice cracked a bit as I limped towards the door, smoothing the hems of my dress along the way. My legs were still a bit numb, and with every step, it felt as if countless ants were gnawing at my skin.
The two slabs of wood never felt so heavy as I pushed them open.
It was blinding. The golden aura of the scroll in front of me made me unconsciously avert my eyes. Such was the way of the palace.
"All hail the Imperial Edict. You may now kneel."
I hadn't noticed my uncle and aunt behind me. My uncle brushed past me and took his position in front, his skinny frame shielding as best it could the newcomers from my aunt and me. I shifted into a kneeling position, cringing as the numbness from before hadn't subsided completely.
"From divinations, the fourth princess of Liang and the second prince of the Sui, the Prince of Jin, are a match made in the Heavens above. Thus, from this moment forth, the fourth princess of Liang is to come back to court and prepare to be wedded. Considering the efforts put into raising the princess, both Zhang Ke and his wife can accompany the fourth princess back to the palace." He dragged out the last phrase.
"You may all rise."