I continued reading the remaining pages to know what happened. I only wished I was there to make sure he is alright, but I guess fate has something else in store for me. God, I really hate myself now. I really wished Abhinu would have mentioned the names of the remaining boys in the journal or have told me about this incident to me so that I could have shown them how bullying is done.
13th February 1994
I am writing this from my way to freedom. I had a very high fever for the past 3 days because of the beatings Soham, his friends and my sisters gave me the other day. I was not in a condition to write anything. I feel better today after the ordeal that happened to me on Garima's birthday. Aunty told me to take rest today because she didn't want me to fall sick again. The memories of that ordeal kept haunting me so much that I was unable to sleep. When I try to close my eyes I could see Soham's face and Aamaya di's shoe stamping on my face.
There was a surprise for me today. Remember the other day I said about meeting the handsome looking boy Daniel, well today when I was cleaning my room, I found a neatly folded piece of paper and there is has his mobile number +91 9683724721 and it had a note on it. It was a letter from Sam which Daniel dada must have left it for me. It was one of the most beautiful letter someone ever wrote to me.
I finally decided I had enough and also understood that if I stay in this house anymore I will try to kill myself one day or for the worst, I would be killed by their actions. I decided to run away never to come back to this God-forsaken place. Aamaya di, Darika, and Garima were off to school. Aunty came to my room and told me that she is going out to the bank and that she might get late while returning. I waited for her to leave and then rushed to Aamaya di's room, picked up one of her trousers, and put it on. I kept a few of my clothes and some shoes. I took all my savings from the piggy bank which was probably enough for me to run away to Purulia and stay forever at my mom's house. I am finally free.
**** Wow… I remember Sam. She was one of our good friends. She was an introvert and really had difficulties making friends but Abhinu and Aarohi really helped her get over her issues and be confident in life. I remember she constantly tried to find an excuse to be friendly with us. We had spent a lot of wonderful times together but destiny probably had other plans for her and he left for heavenly abode early in life. She was one of the sweetest and lovely people we knew. ****
I flipped over the page to read the next entry and looking at it, it felt like some sort of a letter. I guess this was the letter Abhinu mentioned in the journal.
My Dear Abhinu,
I don't really know how to begin this one-sided conversation but let me start by saying that I am fully aware that nothing could ever blossom between us. I am not sure that you will even ever see or read this letter lest my brother au contraire to his nature decides to help me and deliver this letter to you.
There must be a million thoughts wandering through your mind right now. Believe me, I am very nervous about writing to you too. There are a lot of insecure thoughts plaguing my mind. First, of which is, do you even recognize or remember me. Will you be offended by what I am about to reveal. The most harrowing might-be the outcome which frightens me is being ignored or ridiculed by you for this. But my heart which truly believes in you and adores you for being a true gentleman is assured of your compassion and understanding.
If truth be told, we have nothing but basketball in common between us. I have observed your interaction with your friends and understood that you are a very outgoing and loyal friend. I on the other hand have always found it difficult to hold on to friends because of my reticent nature. I am a loner and aloof person. You did make a few attempts to approach me but I guess I was not able to let go of my timid nature, I could not hold on to you and we drifted off in a very short time. Please forgive me for letting go of you so easily. But your kind gesture was strong enough to light a spark in me. I could not understand or put a name to that feeling back then.
I know your bond with Monika is eternal, but we both are very well privy to the eternal truth of not being able to choose the person we fall for. I know it very well that you can never feel the same way or reciprocate in the same way. I am in peace with that. Loving someone doesn't mean having them forever but it means being there for them always and when they need you. I am perfectly content by being a good friend to you. I want you to know that if ever you feel the need, you can always trust me, confide in me and you can count on my support every step of the way.
I do know for certain that you are kind, generous and one of the most upstanding guys I have ever known. You are very dear to me and I couldn't bear to see you in pain. Just confiding in you as a friend, the day we were selected for the national team, I was in seventh heaven and interpreted this as divine intervention and some kind of signal from God encouraging my love for you. Don't be alarmed, I soon came to terms with reality and attained peace with my fate.
Maybe after school, we'll drift apart, talk less, and maybe never meet or see each other again. But I very desperately need to get this off my chest. Every moment I spent with you during the tournaments felt like my fantasy and wildest dreams of my prince charming moments with you were being realized. It was a sweet and generous gift of God even though in my heart, I knew you were not mine. But pardon me for going off on a tangent. Whenever I'm around you, I just lose my train of thought.
I know that you do not feel the same. I mean how could someone like you fall for someone like me who is practically invisible to everyone? It's not unheard of but I know better than to go on thinking that way. Maybe a lot of special someones would come into my life but right now at this moment, I cannot imagine anyone provoking the same intensity and passion I FEEL for you.
Maybe this is all just in my head, it might be very well just a simple infatuation. So perhaps this is just my heart testing and strengthening my endurance, seeing how I might fare when I'm head over heels for someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm glad it was you who first introduced me to this wonderful feeling. I love you and will be there for you always.
Sincerely,
Your Secret Admirer
**** Wow… for once to tell you the truth I am pretty jealous of Sam. Considering that I love Abhinu from the core of my heart and you come to know that you had a competitor. Reading this letter makes me feel she is really head over heels over Abhinu. I really dread to think if she would have seen Abhinu spending life as Geeta, she would be heartbroken. I flipped the page and there was another letter. This was written by Daniel dada. ****
My Dear Friend,
You know my dear sister never confided of her feelings for you to me. I think she is reserved only wished to put words to her inner turmoil and never found the courage to share this with you or me. But, I guess for the happiness of her departed soul I felt like its best to have her feelings acknowledged.
After she passed away, I found this letter and thought my sister deserved to have her feelings acknowledged. If you are truly the person she describes you to be, I know you will appreciate her words.
I remember the day we heard about the death of your father, I can't describe how heartbroken she was. Maybe you might be thinking what does she know about losing a family, but what you don't know is that we too have lost our family when we were just kids. We had only each other for most of our life. And now she is gone too.
Your sister has been spreading rumors in school that you have decided to transition into a transwoman and cited it as the reason for your untimely absence from school. Knowing what you meant to my sister and how the tale seemed far-fetched and phony. I made up my mind to meet you, to discover what was true myself, and came upon the chance in the guise of this party.
All my suspicions proved to be true and looking at what was done to you I could conclude without a doubt that you are not turning yourself into a transwoman but in reality, being forced to convert into one.
Your reply when I asked you about your attire that you were missing Aarohi and so decided to dress up like her today confirmed my theory. The bruise marks on your hands confirmed my qualms that you are being based physically too.
After Sam's demise I do not have anyone in my life and the way she felt for you, makes me feel protective towards you. I feel a sense of responsibility and connection with you. Whatever happens, please know that you can count on me and approach me whenever you need any help.
Meanwhile, I promise you I will do everything in my power to rescue you from your current gruesome state.
Sincerely,
Daniel
9683724721
**** I guess this was probably the reason Daniel dada keeps finding excuses to come to Aamaya di's house to keep a watch over Abhinu. Wait a minute… Just because he wanted to protect Abhinu, he pretended to befriend Aamaya di so that it would pave the way for him to get easy access to the house. I still remember the good times we spent with the 4 of us together, where Aamaya di was not thinking of hurting Abhinu. After we shifted to Purulia, we never saw him anymore****
14th February 1994
I reached Purulia today morning. I have been to this place a few times with dad but this is the first time I am alone. I kept walking until I reach my mom's home. As I tried entering the house, a tall man about 6 feet tall came to me and asked me what am I doing here. I told him that this is my mom's home. He looked at me and asked if I am Lt. Col. Sujoy Banerjee's son, and I replied that I am. He let me enter the house and offered to get me something to eat too. I asked the man who he was and he said he is Mr. Jairus. He told me that he is a good friend of my father and that he was asked by my father before his death that one day if I come back to this house alone he should try to help me out.
After I freshened up, I found Mr. Jairus had cooked my favorite kumpao chicken and chicken 65 and said he knew they were my favorites. I have been living with my aunty for nearly one and a half year and she still doesn't know what my favorite dishes are.
After I had my lunch Mr. Jairus made me sit on the sofa and carefully examined my wounds on my face. As he was offering me first aid, he asked me how it happened, and I replied that I fell and got hurt. He even said that if I feel that I am not safe in this house he can help me relocate.
As I stood up to walk around the house, Mr. Jairus stated that he feels that the clothes and shoes that I was wearing are unisex dresses. The trousers are too girly. Something told me to trust this man and I told him everything about my ordeal during the past 43 days about living my life as a girl. By the looks of his face, I could feel that he didn't believe in anything I said. Of course, how could anyone believe that someone is being made to live like a girl with their relatives? That is the most absurd thing in the world.
However, he asked me to come to his house next door and offered me some clothes to wear. He said that those belong to his son, who is studying in Sainik School Purulia. Even though they were bigger for me, but the desire to put on boys' clothes after so long was the most comforting in the world. I put on a pair of shorts and tees, came back to my house, and went off to sleep.
16th February 1994
The last 2 days went well without any incident, All I did was read. I completed my Mom's favorite book "Beloved" by Toni Morrison. It is inspired by the life of Margaret Garner, an African American who escaped slavery in Kentucky in late January 1856 by crossing the Ohio River to Ohio state, which was a free state. When she was captured again, she killed her child rather than have her child taken back into slavery. It was a sad story, but what I learned about slavery from this book made me realize that in the last 43 days, whatever had happened to me, was nothing more than slavery. The only difference was that the slave's life was still better. Atleast they were considered humans unless they make their masters angry, and a male slave didn't have to stay like a girl, were allowed to go see the sunrise and play outdoors, but in my case, everything is the opposite. A day might come when all the people who knew me will probably forget that I even exist if I continue living with them. Monika was my only hope and my true love, but she has not been talking to me too. Probably she has already forgotten that I even existed, after seeing me in my current state.
17th February 1994
It was 9 o'clock when I woke up. Mr. Jairus was waiting for me at the dining table to have breakfast together. After breakfast, he told me that he will be at his place. After he left, I had nothing to do and went to my mom's room. There was a photograph of her and dad and little me. I hold the photograph on my hand.
I miss them, I wish they were still alive, Aunty and the others would not have dared to touch let alone hurt me at all. As I was remembering the happy days, my concentration was disturbed by the sound of a siren outside the house. It was a police Jeep entering the premises. Mr. Jairus stopped them on the tracks and started arguing about something which I was unable to hear. I saw the policeman give him a piece of paper and he let them in.
They entered the house and told me that aunty was worried sick and had sent them to take me home. I kept telling them that I don't want to go because they hurt me but the cops would not listen. They told me that I am lying and that aunty had told them that I am delusional and have, NSSI and Transvestic Disorder.
They showed copies of medical reports to Mr. Jairus to prove that I am lying. I kept praying to god that Mr. Jairus would stop the cops from taking me away but he didn't resist. The only person I thought would help me has also backstabbed me. I guess dad was wrong in putting his trust in Mr. Jairus and believing that he would protect me. I don't know who will believe in me anymore. I guess it's me only me against the world and I have to win.
I left with the cops but before leaving I gave 2 envelopes to Mr. Jairus. A long time ago, dad gave me a letter and told me that if ever I meet a man called Jairus Christopher, I should hand over the letter to him. I was so down in luck, that I think probably he didn't open the letters I gave him. By the time I was back in hell, it was 7 p.m. When aunty saw me she picked me up and started kissing me and telling me how much she missed me. When the cops left she told me to get back to my room. She will talk to me tomorrow.
****Wow, I don't believe it. You took a great decision to run away but I wish that person Mr. Jairus would have helped you and not have returned you to the cops. You should have asked for his help. I know dad keeps saying we shouldn't trust strangers, but considering the way you were living with the family, whats worse can happen. Tears rolled down my eyes, and that I now know that you are soon going to be safe. I could only be angry at myself to make you think that I was not there. ****
I couldn't help but feel sad and hearing me cry brought Koushik dada into my room. I couldn't muster up enough courage or strength to read the remaining pages that mom had left for me...
TO BE CONTINUED...