"What greater torment than to see
that light, and then to see it
eternally withdrawn?"
--------Iris Murdoch.
***********
E.H.
Blue should have safely landed by now and she might be en route her home.
Home,sounds ironical to me because she left me deprived of my home. She was my home and my sanctuary even if I never spoke my heart out nor even experienced a blazing electrifying kiss,only a peek of a kiss once.Yet she was,she is and will be my life force.
I knew she always wanted me to accept my feelings but we were both bound to the shackles of responsibility. Just like the raven and his goose-wife story.We had been world's apart and moreover she deserved so much better than me.
--------
Midnight....
I had sneakily entered the alcove of my studio
when Angus cleared his throat.
Damn it!
A gruffy stern voice ricocheted in the room.
"How long will you want to drag this mess?",Angus inquired.
I sighed.
Opening an upper cabinet,I fished out a bottle of Barr Hill Vodka and presented Angus with a shot.On the other hand,I slowly poured myself one and downed it in one go.The vodka had a subtle taste of raw honey and it complemented well with my bitterness.
Past few days had been chaotic with more projects and propositions pilling up along with my messy family. The relationships were merely dangling down a thin string. Shattering to be precise.
And among all this, I couldn't blame Blue even if I wanted.Only if I had involved her,she might not have survived this.Though quiet adjusting and compassionate,she was tender-hearted.
Moreover I never wanted to bou Blue,she wasn't meant for ground but for the air.....flying high without any care or boundary.
Thus contemplating on the impossible is useless. As of answering Angus,I clearly spoke my mind,"I will get rid of the mess soon.And I won't let anyone suffer."
Angus nodded and silently strode of to the adjacent balcony,smoking quietly. He was nervous about Blue or else he wouldn't have smoke.Poor guy.In the span of few days, he made a daughter that he always lacked.
Thus I left Angus to his own realm. Gathering up my courage,I lifted off the cover from the easel and started painting....
It was sunrise when I lifted my face from the canvas.Stretching arms a bit,I yawned.Looking around I found Angus sprawled on my chaise lounge sofa bed with a novel sheltering over his forehead.But as I gazed back to the canvas,I found Blue innocently smiling at me wearing a sapphire dress....ahhh....,not again.
This just proves how much I long for her.
But above all I love her immensely. Always...Forever.