The moment that I had awoken, I looked at Kian, with the rest of his buds. He looks so happy. I wonder what's going on in his mind. If only I could just know when he'll tell me how he feels and then I could just stop being so curious about it.
Then I slept again. Afraid. Angry. Ashamed. To be myself. To love someone so blindly. Blinded from the truth, I got so hurt in the past. And even in the present.
But I didn't mind it because I saw was a hole that could lead to the end of my pain. But I just keep on going even though I know that it's just something I imagine that is not really there.
But it was worth it. To love. Hurt. Be hurt. Be blinded. To know how to be strong when I had no strength left. To still fight when there was nothing left in me.
Finally. I woke up.
Minutes later, Cathryn was standing at a perfect angle that covered the sun from my eyes and I saw her silhouette. I could see her curls at the end of her brownish-black hair that was flowing so graceful until the very end which were her shoulders. Her eyes so deep and glossy like it was made out of the rarest gems in the world. Plus, she's got quite a face structure.
Basically it was everything that was so flawless about her. She was quietly fixing her bag in the middle of all the rampant noise inside the four corners that we were in.
"Maybe it's because I was sleeping." I thought as my eyes opened widenedly. Then I quickly sat straight, tidied my hair, arranged my desk and fixed my self in front of her in a subtle manner. Then she sat down so calmly and started to study for her exam.
It felt so awkward especially because we were both there without any communications with each other. I mean, it's only been a week after the open forum which was basically what I proposed so that I could talk to her more and get close again. But now, it's been tough most probably because of yesterday.
(Hindsighting)
"Nathan! What the hell?! You didn't even clean the house! You're so stupid!" My sister shouted at me after ahe arrived from her 2-day graduating batch school retreat. I mean I could understand but I just don't know why she's like that. But the house isn't even that messy though.
"But the house isn't even that messy though." I replied as I stood up from the couch and looked at her furious face.
"How dare you answer back?! Don't act so tough! You're just a lazy ass in this house!" She said as she walked away from the living and went in her room, door creaking and slamming hard.
(Back to Present)
"I mean, that shouldn't affect me. It's so recurrent to me that it just became normal." I thought as I stared at the palm trees near the lot beside us with my elbow on the table and my chin resting on my palm.
"What did you say?" Cathryn asked.
"Wait what?" I replied as I looked at her playing with her pen while looked at me.
"I mean, that shouldn't affect me. It's so recurrent to me that it just became normal." She said copying my raspy voice and my stern face as I stared blankly at afar.
"You heard that?" I said in a higher tone and volume than usual.
"Uh... Yes." And she giggled at me for that. And I smiled back.
Then there was silence. But I managed to break it. "Uh, did you study well for the exam?" I said. "To be honest, not really. I feel quite tired actually. To study. It's the fourth quarter anyways, what could go wrong? Right?" She replied laughing and then she brushed her hair behind her right ear.
"Yeah, what could go wrong?" I replied then I did a fake laugh that I didn't know could be more noticeable.
"Nate, are you okay?" Cathryn said as she leaned towards her front and looked at my face. But I couldn't respond. "Oh, is it about her?" She added as she got back from where she positioned in the first place.
"Uh, yeah. Actually, all of them." I replied with the same face. But then I realized what I did so I had to snap back to where I didn't look so sad. But talking about "Them", they are actually all the people that left me. But I don't mean it in a sense that makes them look bad. It was just sudden. And we couldn't do anything about it.
"Nate?" Cathryn said as she tapped my shoulder and that's when I really snapped back. I felt so confused, so confused that I just seemed so lost in the own maze I created but then again, one mistake and it's back to the beginning.
"I'm sorry. What did you say?" I said with a little bit of giggling as I looked to her. Then suddenly, I felt the pain. The pain that got out from me and dropped on my hand. I realized that I was crying.
"What the? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." i said quickly wiping them off using the back of my palm. "You can share what you want to. To me. I'm willing to he.." Then the bell rang and at the same time, our teacher came in.
"Class, I don't want to see anything on top of your desks, don't want to see you looking at your seatmates or anyone that is. Failure to comply with my requirements and you are welcome to an all paid trip to the the prefect of discipline." The teacher said while I was still wiping my tears dry, then Cathryn looked at me with a concerned face.
"L-E-T-S T-A-L-K L-A-T-.." I spelled through sign language below the table to Cathryn before the teacher could see us and cut me.
"Nathan! If you wish to cheat during my time, get out. Now. If you wish to change that manner, then I hope that you'll stop embarrassing yourself in front of the top student in class here. Right, Cathryn?" The teacher said.
"Yes... Ma'am." She replied. Then everything went silent. Including my world. Everything felt so unsure. But something wasn't.
I knew that I was really falling apart to a million fragments of shattered memories. All on the ground. Helplessly waiting for someone to pick them up and put them back to how they were before. Someone. Anyone.
Even if it didn't end up being the right way but anything will do. As long as I'm holding on.
"Very well said." The teacher said that could only be heard in the classroom aside from the chitchatting from the other room. And the pounding of the pain in my torned heart.
"Get one and pass, you have exactly one hour to finish this exam. Once time is up, pass your papers whether finished or unfinished. If you happen to finish before time is up, you may leave." She added "Si-lent-ly." She put in at the last moment that pressured our focus. I took an exam with an empty brain but with a heart of sorrow.