It was a calm Tuesday morning in July. A perfect sunny day to spend time with friends perhaps at a cafe or a park with a trail. I called my three close friends to meet up with me.

There I was, waiting at a nearby Starbucks phone in hand app open to notes planning out all the activities we could do. Hangout at a cafe, explore the trailhead, have lunch, go shopping, eat dinner, and finally the jazz bar. I had everything planned for the day which made me comfortable and excited. Of course I could expect delays and the possibilities that my friends would want to do things different, but I wouldn't mind as long as we ended up spending the end of the day at the jazz bar. The gold of the goal.

I see my friend Shelly's white Subaru pull up into a parking space and three bodies come out giggling to each other. Mandy and Kayla stand close to each other probably to say their final thoughts on whatever made them laugh while Anna opens the cafe door after locking her car. I smile in their direction and give a friendly wave once they notice me. Mandy and Kayla are still aloof and giggling while they sit at the table I reserved for us leaning in to let me in on the joke. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh! You have to hear this!!" Kayla starts to exaggerate her story as usual, "So last night we all hung out at Anna's house and went to a bar at like 1am and Mandy was being hit on by an ugly guy wearing a logo T-shirt. You know how she is, so she totally just called him a fat fucking loser to his face and he just starts crying right there in front of everyone. You should've seen it, you would've loved it." She continues to laugh so hard and loud that I'm sure the whole cafe can hear which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. "That was so mean guys. I felt bad for him, but yeah he was being pretty weird." Anna remarks. They all look to me for my opinion and I simply shrug, "Haha, wow that's pretty crazy." I honestly don't find the humor but that's just how my friends are and I accept them. Acceptance and understanding is all anyone needs in a relationships for it to work. I smile comfortably as I listen to their silliness and occasionally join in with my own.

Time flies when you're having fun, and we did just that until we found ourselves having a couple rounds at a bar with lovely live jazz music. My nails strummed the countertop to the slang rhythm. The jazz is so lively, creative and unique. It's freedom of expression in the shape of beautiful sounds that respect each other all the while giving each other a chance to speak and be heard wholeheartedly.

Time passes and I feel the alcohol kick in. I'm a lightweight so it doesn't take much to get me tipsy or drunk. Unfortunately I find myself being reckless when I have a glass in my hand. I find my friends at a booth and clumsily make my way to them as they laugh at my aloofness. "Wow you are fucked up Ada!" Kayla says obviously entertained. Mandy looks at me with a judgmental scoff, "You are so fucking annoying sometimes". Ouch, okay that was unnecessary this was supposed to be a fun outing. "Look, I may be tipsy and borderline drunk, but just because you don't like the taste or buzz of alcohol doesn't make you better than everyone else," I remark back bluntly. Mandy pulls one of her edgy episodes and looks away hurt while Kayla comforts her because of her consistent suicidal tendencies and untreated depression that she tells everyone about.

I remember back to the time when I did everything I could to help her. I stayed up at night in high school to call the suicide hotline for her, to comfort her and even got my mom to give her therapeutic advice that ended up helping her for a bit. I expected her to put in at least a little effort to help herself but she all she ever wants to do is complain to gain sympathy.

My bitter feelings for her rise up. I've held them back all day so this could be enjoyable but now I'm getting tired of this.

"You were being mean too Mandy. You can't just keep playing the victim," Anna says. I'm glad someone else realizes. Then all of a sudden Mandy lashes out, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!! I can't believe you're siding with her!!!" She yells at Anna and then shoves her way through us and the crowd of people causing some to spill their drinks. Kayla looks angrily at us, "Wow good job Ada." She glares her eyes at me before going after Mandy.

I order drinks for Anna and I. A strong impulsive feeling has come over me giving me the courage to finally make a decision about something that's been bothering me for years now. I think of all the similar incidents where these things have happened in our friend group. People getting easily offended and insulting each other. I don't think I've ever felt

genuinely cared about in this group, but they give me company. Is this how friendships are? My heart has been telling me no, yet I also keep telling myself friendship has a simple recipe which is acceptance and understanding. I think I'm realizing that I got

It all wrong. Who am I kidding, at this point we're all just using each other. "Anna... I'm done with all of this." I finally say. "What do you mean?" She asks. "I'm done hanging out with you guys. Sorry. You can let them know when they get back. Bye." Those are my last words to them before I take one last brief moment to enjoy the slow jazz piece that tells a story of loneliness.