The weekend rolled around and I ignored every message from Felix. I eventually even ended up blocking him on Kik and Kaneva. He seemed to notice that I was not in the mood to talk to him, so he backed off.
He backed off.
Just like Amanda said he would.
I was playing a game on my PS4 when I heard knocking. After straining my ears a bit, I took the remote beside me on my bed to turn the volume down before turning my gaze to the door.
"Yes, who's there?" I asked when the knocking continued. I got up from my bed, heading to open the door when I heard Samantha's voice from behind it.
"What..." My voice trailed off when I looked outside to find Samantha with a worried look on her face. Felix was standing beside her, looking just as guilty.
"Why?" I asked, not we if I could make a full sentence at the moment. Samantha slipped away, leaving us alone in the hallway. Felix let out a sigh, looking from me to the floor and then back to me again.
"We need to talk," he said. I frowned, wanting to ask who even let him into the house in the first place, but I just nodded instead and let him walk into the room. He wandered to the chair tucked by the study table littered with screws and tools, while I headed for my bed, landing on it before turning the TV off and putting away my controller. I looked down at the black fur rug, not wanting to look over at Felix who I was sure had his gaze on me. I sighed, letting my toes slip through the rug's hairs as I thought of what to say.
"So, what are we talking about?" I eventually spoke up, looking up to find Felix slouching on the chair a bit, facing me as he bit his bottom lip as if lost in thought.
"About Friday. We need to talk about what Amanda told you—"
"She said you were indecisive," I said, cutting him off. I stared at him, and he did the same. I looked away, completing my point by adding, "and when you messaged me you just proved her point. Why come onto me if you're going to chicken out-"
"I'm not chickening out. That's not what I'm doing," Felix said in a firm tone, making me look back at him. He looked frustrated and partially angry at the same time. His eyes looked tired, like he hadn't had a good sleep last night.
"Then what is it?"
Felix looked at me, blinking before looking down at his fingers that were now picking at the loose threads on his blue jeans. He looked distressed like he couldn't make up his mind.
"See, you're confused," I said in spite, sighing before getting up and heading over to him. I was in a loose pair of shorts and a black tank top. I stopped when I got to the seat he was sitting on.
"You're not going to say anything?" Felix shook his head, making me sigh before turning to walk away. I gasped when I felt a hand clench mine, forcing me to turn to meet Felix looking at me with confused eyes.
"Let me go—"
"Wait!" he pleased, letting go of my hand anyway. I turned to glare at him, wondering what crack he was on to be acting all confused.
"I like you. I really do," he said, surprising me by hugging himself. I frowned, confused by the crack in his tone.
"What's happening? Are you okay?" I asked, watching as he started blinking rapidly. He shook his head, making me sigh in confusion. "I don't understand a thing..."
"Neither do I. I'm so confused."
"Why are you confused?"
"I don't know, that's the confusing part."
And I just watched as his eyes started letting out tears. He cursed under his breath as he made to wipe the waterworks with the base of his palms. I just watched him, patting the side of my shorts awkwardly as I tried not to watch.
"Okay," he started, letting out a breath as he dried his eyes before he ran a hand through his hair to substitute a comb. He looked straight at me, getting up before walking forward and taking my shoulders in his hands.
"I really, really like you," he started, frowning a bit as his gaze moved from my eyes to my lips. "There's just something I'm unsure about - and it has absolutely nothing to do with you," he immediately added the second part as my mouth made to move. I sighed, nodding to give him the go ahead to continue.
"I don't understand it, so it's not something I can just tell you or anything. I have to be sure."
I looked up at him as he let go of my shoulders. My heart and mind ached. I wanted to believe him, but Amanda's words of him being unsure to the end of time confused me. If I wanted to look at it logically, I had to keep in mind that he only had a few months till graduation and that he and Amanda had been doing an unproductive roundabout for a year plus, what would happen with the both of us in a few months, then?
"You're a great guy, and I really like you," I started, looking at him, "but if this is just going to end up like a tag game I'd rather not put myself in that situation." He nodded, seeing to understand where I was coming from.
"I'm sorry that I'm such a mess."
It's the 'why' I'm curious about. I said to myself, unable to ask him the actual question. He looked at me, smiling a bit. "Can I at least hug you before I leave?"
"Sure," I said, picking at the curled up strands of hair at my hairline. "Knock yourself out."
He walked forward a bit, pulling me into a tight embrace that had my head buried in his shoulder. I could feel my face warm up at his content sigh, and my heartbeat picked up when he lifted my head and took my cheeks in his palms.
"I'm sorry I suck," he trailed as a sad smile played on his face. "We're still working on the project together, right?"
I nodded, watching as he let out a sigh of relief. He took his hands away from my face, tucking them into the pocket of his jeans before he turned his gaze to my room door. His action gave me a view of the nape of his neck, allowing me to see the freckles I didn't know he had before.
If only baby freckles were the only thing I'd discovered since I'd started talking to Felix.
"I guess I'll be taking my leave." His words brought me back to reality, making me look up to find that he was wearing a painfully fake smile. I did the same, mirroring the dead expression on his face as I nodded.
He walked away, heading for the door before turning the knob. He walked out soon after, shutting the door behind him, the sound echoing through my room. It was then my eyes glossed over with unshed tears as I stood there, observing the shut door.
I will not cry. I told myself — demanded of myself, but it seemed like my emotions were just too heavy to be held in, and I soon felt tears make their way down my cheeks. I bit my bottom lip, heading to lock my bedroom door before retreating to my bed. I buried my face in the nearest pillow in sight, finally allowing myself to cry freely.
I was disappointed, angry, crushed, and while at the same time possessing the feeling that I had did the right thing—
But it hurt.
Why did it hurt so much?