At the end of the school day, I headed home with Aiyana, Ji-Hun, and Wyatt. I let a small smile play on my lips as I watched Ji-Hun and Wyatt up front holding hands as they walked side by side. I wanted that, but right now, I couldn't have it.
"You've been moody all day. Did Felix so something?"
"What?" I asked, turning to look at Aiyana who was walking beside me with her hands in the pockets of her jumpsuit. She shrugged at my shocked one-word question, repeating what she'd said earlier.
"I'm asking if Felix did anything," she said, making me open my mouth in both confusion and shock.
Why is she mentioning Felix? I thought, running a hand through my curls as I looked away from her.
"Come on, tell me. Aiyana knows all, you know," she joked, laughing as she made the childish 'I'm watching you' gesture with her index and pointing finger.
"Did Ji-Hun tell you?" I asked, growing a bit anxious as I turned away. I was trying to be as vague as possible. I mean, she might know Felix and I had some sort of argument, but I doubted that she knew why.
"I pointed out to Ji-Hun that you've been staring at Felix a bit too frequently earlier in the year," she said, making my face warm up.
Okay, she knows that.
"I just wanted you to tell me yourself, but it seemed like you'd never do that," she added with a grin.
"Oh," I simply said as I looked down at the concrete pavement as we walked in tune, our feet treading on the ground in a uniform pace.
"Cheer up," she said, patting my shoulder apologetically before humming something under her breath. She didn't say anything after that and allowed me to dwell in my own thoughts until we got to my stop. They waved me off as I crossed the street to get to my house, before continuing on their way while I headed for the front door to knock.
"Good evening," I said when the door creaked open to reveal my mother. She smiled at me, stepping aside so that I could walk into the building.
"You look exhausted," she said as I rubbed the area around my eyes. All I could do was offer her a small smile, shrugging as I took my bag off my shoulders.
"I am actually — sort of," I said, watching as she headed back to the sofa in the living room before taking the remote from the armrest to reduce the volume of the sitcom that was playing on the TV. I frowned a bit when she shifted, tapping the space beside her for me to take a sit. I bit my bottom lip in thought before heading to settle down beside her.
"What's making you look like you have a stick up your butt?" she asked, turning a bit so that she could look me in the eye. I turned away, feeling my face warm up. I just couldn't tell her about Felix. I might have to make something up so that she can let me go.
"Is it your girlfriend? Samantha told me you have a girlfriend."
I felt my eyes burn with unshed tears at her words. I wiped my eyes furiously, hoping that she hadn't caught onto my immediate breakdown. "What? I don't have a girlfriend, Samantha's making things up."
"Really? Because you look upset by the mere mention of—"
"It's a boy, mum — a boy, and he's not even my boyfriend," I said, irritation slipping into my tone. My expression relaxed when I realized what I'd said. I stared at my mother's shocked face with a mixture of emotions as I opened my mouth, closing it when I realized that I wasn't too sure of what to say.
"A boy?" she asked, frowning. "You're dating a boy?"
Her voice was now raised, making me panic a bit. I shook my head at her words, trying to calm her down. "We're not dating—"
"But you like him," she said, cutting me off. I bit my bottom lip, nodding at her words. She looked both upset and curious at the same time. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
"Do I know this person?" she sighed, turning away from me and directing her gaze to the actors on the mute TV screen. "How did this happen? Did I do something wrong by allowing you to still hang out with Wyatt and Ji-Hun—"
"I liked Felix before Wyatt and Ji-Hun started dating," I said, making her turn to me with a conflicted look on her face. My frown softened as I looked away from her.
"Yeah, you know the person. It's Felix, that senior that came over the other day," I said, answering her question in an attempt to fill in the silent void that had been created.
"I see..." she said, trailing, her down still set as she watched the TV screen in front of her. I shifted in my position on the couch.
"Leave, I want to think," she said, making me get up immediately before speed walking out of the living room and up to my room. I groaned when I got in, dropping my bag at the foot of my bed before getting on it and cursing into my pillow.
Why today? I asked myself, feeling my body shake with both fear and exhaustion. I stayed in my room until it got dark. I hadn't turned on the lights when I walked in, so the room was drowned in semi-darkness. I tensed up on my bed when I heard my room door creak open. Closing my eyes, I wondered if my mother had decided to come up to talk to me.
"Ben," I heard her voice as it filled the silent void, making me open my eyes and stare at my pillowcase before I sat up. I blinked when the sound of someone switching the lights on was followed by the room being filled with glowing light. I turned to find Chloe walking away from the light switch, a small tensed smile playing on her lips.
"Yes..." I trailed, wondering what both of them were doing in my room.
"I brought mom to talk," Chloe said, reading my expression. She smiled softly before turning to my mother and taking her hand. Chloe walked over to my bed with her, making her sit at the end of it before taking a seat herself.
"So, I talked to mum," Chloe started, looking from my mother to me, "and dad knows too, he just wanted mum to come and talk to you alone," she informed, making me look down at the duvet material that was covering my legs.
"I'm sure you both have things to do..." she trailed, making me look up to find her tapping my mum's flesher hand, "but I think you two should talk things out first."
My mother nodded, looking over at me. I looked away, not wanting to meet her half confused, half upset gaze.
"Okay, how do you feel about this?" Chloe asked, bending her head a bit, making her heavily beaded braids follow the movement. She was directing the question to my mother, and my mum shrugged, sighing a bit as she looked down at her Aztec patterned skirt.
"I always thought the LGBT — whatever it's called was for kids who couldn't fit in so they had to find something to make them stand out, but Ben, you're a good kid and you don't have problems socializing—"
"That's not how it works—"
"Chloe, let your mother talk," my mum said, making Chloe nod her head before making the motion of zipping her lips and throwing away the key.
"As I was saying," my mother started, turning to me, "you're a good kid, and we've given you everything to be comfortable. Are you doing this because your friends are gay?"
"Okay..." I started with a frown, "that's not how anything works, but let's ignore that. I'm not even gay. Well, I don't know. I just like Felix," I said, making my mum's frown to deepen.
"Then what are you, a chicken? You like a boy—"
"One, there are bisexual and pansexual people. I'm not saying I'm one of them. Well, I don't know if I am. This is the first serious attraction I'm having. I've never exactly thought about 'what I am' though. I'm not trying to follow a thread, which being LGBT+ is not by the way. I mean, seriously. People get shit for that throughout their lives, who would pick that and call it trendy like its clothes?" I asked, my eyes widening a bit when I noticed that I'd gone off on my mother.
"I'm sorry..." I trailed, watching as my mother ran a hand over her matted hair.
"So you just like Felix? I'm not too comfortable with that..." she trailed, looking at me, "but at the end of the day I don't get to decide who you like or who you don't. I guess I'll just let you make your own mistakes."
I smiled lightly, but I was still largely annoyed by her thinking what I felt was 'some sort of mistake', but her backing off and not pushing her scattered thoughts onto me made me relieved. Maybe she'd come around later.
"Okay, I guess the discussion is over!" Chloe clapped her hands, making me and my mother turn towards her. She got up with my mum, leaving the bedroom before shutting the door behind them. I was then alone in my room again with the ticking wall clock and ceiling fan.
I let out a long sigh, holding on to my face as I tried to calm down. I had a headache and slight dizziness. I was practically getting sick over thinking about Felix.
Maybe I should call him? I thought before shaking my head. Keeping a distance was probably my best bet at staying sane at the moment.