"Okay, I'll send the notes on the adjustments I made today via email, don't worry about it," I said into the phone as I went through the document folder on my laptop. I was talking to Felix. It wasn't the fun-filled conversations we used to have before all the shit show happened and rained on our parade. It was short, blunt and straight to the point talk about the project we were working on.
I was about to hang up when Felix suddenly spoke up.
"Hey!" He started, his yell surprising me. I frowned as he went silent. "I'm sorry for yelling. I just wanted to know if you'd be up for a video call—"
"To do what?" I asked, cutting him mid-sentence.
"I was wondering if you'd like to have a video call..." he repeated in a trail. "I wanted to tell you something, but it can wait—"
"I'll set up my laptop," I said into the phone, cutting him off. He mumbled something along the line of 'thank you' before hanging up. I put my phone away, heading to set up my laptop on my bed. Once I opened the google hangouts tab I noticed that Felix was online, and in the next two minutes, he sent a video call request that I answered. It took a while for us to be face to face.
His dark eyes were framed with dark circles, and his face looks pale like he was nervous about something. I looked away, feeling my chest swell with mixed emotions.
"Well," I started, looking up. "What did you want to tell me?"
Felix opened his mouth then closed it as he frowned briefly. I cocked my head, watching him repeat the motion for about a minute and a half.
"If you have nothing to say maybe I should log—"
"Wait!" He yelled, making me look up at him. My features softened when I was meet with pained looking eyes. Felix bit his bottom lip, looking away.
"I do have something to say," he said, sitting up in his chair as he stared at me. "I've been refusing to tell you something. I think I should now."
I shrugged, watching him. "Go ahead," I said, watching as he looked away from me again.
"When Amanda and I dated..." he trailed, biting his bottom lip. He let out a sigh, covering his mouth before taking a few breaths before looking at me again.
"When Amanda and I dated," he said again, but with a firmer voice. "I knew I liked her, but I really couldn't do anything with her. I wasn't sure why — we tried. I couldn't even kiss her," he said, making me stare at him.
Where's he going with this? I asked myself, watching him. He was shaking now, opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to look for the best arrangement for his next set of words.
"Then we'd date and break up when Amanda got mad at me for not being able to do anything. I confused and frustrated her, and I acknowledge that. I was trying to figure out something — fix something that I believed needed fixing, and I used her to try and do that, whether I intended to or not," he said, letting out a sigh afterward. "I've talked to her, and we've talked it through."
I nodded at him as I watched him fidget from the camera. He was trying his best to look at anything but me. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing as he looked back up.
"I wasn't sure what that was about, and I still didn't know what I was trying to fix, but then I met you and I was like: 'Oh! That makes sense, I'm just gay!', but although I wanted to kiss you and stuff, anytime I thought of something more personal I just mentally froze over. I'm not sure how to explain it..." he trailed.
"Oh," I said, frowning. I was getting a bit confused. Is this his way of telling me he doesn't like me? My thoughts were messy, but I tried to arrange them long enough for me to listen to what he had to say next.
"Yeah," he muttered.
"But then I did some research," he started, making me look up at him. I stared at him, waiting for him to tell me what he'd found.
"Ben, I think — I know I'm Asexual," he said, making me blink. I frowned, watching as his facial expression changed as he waved his hands about in a 'no' motion.
"I'm not joking. I'm very far from joking," he said, making me nod. "When I say I'm Asexual I mean I'm not sexually attracted to anything."
"You told me you loved me, Felix—"
"Sure, I'm romantically attracted to you — very much, but not just sexually. Damn, I hope I'm making sense," he said, making me bite my bottom lip as I tried to take in his words.
"Okay," I said, taking a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked, looking at him. He looked away, shrugging as he sighed.
"Like I told you before, I wasn't sure... and now that I've told you I'm not really sure you'll want to deal with me. I don't want to do anything sexual with you. I'd suck as a boyfriend. I understand that people want sex, and it's not really something I can give..."
"I'm seventeen, sex isn't really what's in my mind at the moment—"
"Are you sure you're a teenager, Ben?" Felix asked, making me laugh.
"No, I'm serious," I said with a small smile. Felix looked at me with a gaze I couldn't really describe. He looked down at what I assumed were his hands before talking.
"You know, there was this thing I saw online. It was on a thread and a guy was talking about people who are ace, and how they're selfish. It was something along the line of: 'why do asexuals expect people to cater to their emotional needs, but they won't cater to their partner's sexual ones'. It wasn't long till there was an argument on the thread. I was just observing really, not making any posts.
"I felt odd for the rest of the day. I felt terrible for liking you and wanting you to return those feelings but being inept in an area you might be interested in — I felt selfish."
"Look, Felix, I said I don't care," I said, making him look up at me.
"Okay then," he started. "What happens when you do want sex? Would you still want to date me?" he asked, making me bite my bottom lip in thought.
My cheeks flooded with warmth when I thought about how much I liked Felix. I missed talking to him, I missed being on a personal level with him. Of course, I wanted him to hug and kiss me. He said he could do that, not just sex.
"Well?" Felix asked.
"I'd still want to be with you," I said, speaking up. Felix's eyes widened as if he was surprised by my answer.
"Oh," he mouthed as his cheeks flooded with color.
"I want to date you, Felix," I added. My mind was free. I knew what had been keeping him back now, and to think that's what Amanda made a big deal over.
"Fix him."
I heard her voice resounding in my head and it made me slightly nauseous. Has she been saying things like this around him?
"I'd like to date you too," Felix said as he let out a small laugh. "You know, I really wasn't sure what would come out of this discussion. I thought you would have reacted like Amanda when I first told her."
"What did she do?" I asked, immediately feeling like redrawing my question when I realized how invasive it was, but Felix just shrugged it off.
"Mostly: 'Fuck you' and 'You think I'm disgusting, don't you?'," Felix said with a sigh. I looked away from him, staring down at my laptop's keyboard.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"There's no need to be," he replied as our conversation went silent.
"So, Asexual?" I said, trying to revive the conversation.
"A panromantic asexual."
"Wait, what?" I asked, frowning. That's a mouth full.
"I'll explain to you later," he said, making me smile. I really wasn't the one for labels but I could see how they helped people define and assert themselves. Now that I think about it, I do use labels. Calling myself a 'Nerd' or a 'Geek' identifies me with a certain set of people. It wasn't as deep or as personal as defining sexuality, but that was sort of an example.
"What about you?" I heard Felix's voice ask, making me look up at him.
"What?" I asked, frowning a bit. I think I'd missed a bit of Felix talking by dwelling on my own thoughts.
"Like, what do you say you are... I'm thinking, gay?" he said, looking straight at me.
"I don't know," I said, shrugging. "I just really like you."
I watched as Felix's face heated up as he nodded.
"Then, Felixsexual?" he said, making us both laugh at the cringey joke. Our discussion soon dissolved into Marvel related things, and we soon got into a debate over which Marvel movie was the best. It wasn't until I glanced at the clock on my laptop's screen that I realized how much time had gone by.
"Should we stop talking? I think we should stop talking," Felix said when I told him the time. I nodded at him, watching him mirror the action before yawning.
"Don't forget to email me the notes."
"I won't," I said, watching him nod.
"I'm glad we talked," he said, making me smile. "No, seriously, let's not be overdramatic teens ever again."
I laughed at that, telling him goodbye before I terminated the video call. I then shut down my laptop before grabbing my phone to unblock him from the sites I'd blocked him on. As I unblocked him on Instagram I got an instant notification that he'd messaged me.
FELIX:
We're dating now, right?
Typing...
As in, we're boyfriends.
ME:
Of course, we weren't all sappy in the video call for nothing.
I sent and smiled when I saw the chat bubble move. Soon, Felix and I were in a full-on discussion. I chuckled when I finally logged off, feeling at peace as the realization washed over me that Felix opened up to me and I was now dating the boy I'd had a crush on since my second year in high school.