Kevin was alone in his room, door locked, headphones in, and browser incognito. The night was quiet, except for the rhythmic sound of his own... determination.
"Almost there... just a little more—"
BOOM!
A blinding light filled the room, as if God Himself had caught him in 4K. Kevin's soul felt like it was being ripped from his body, his climax forever unfinished.
"Wha—? No! Not now! I was so close—"
His vision blurred, and the next thing he knew, he was floating in an endless white void. A beautiful goddess with golden hair and an annoyed expression stared down at him.
"Pathetic. You died mid-nut."
Kevin's jaw dropped. "WAIT, I DIED?! OVER THIS?!"
She sighed. "Tragic, really. But no worries! You've been chosen to reincarnate in a fantasy world as a great hero!"
Kevin's brain struggled to process everything. "Can I at least FINISH first?!"
The goddess frowned. "Denied."
Kevin scowled. "Denied? That's just cruel."
The goddess ignored him.
He groaned and pulled up his pants, finally realizing his situation. "Fine, whatever. If I'm getting isekai'd, at least tell me what kind of overpowered abilities I get."
The goddess tilted her head. "Oh? You're quite eager for someone who died in such an embarrassing way."
Kevin crossed his arms. "Look, if I'm gonna be thrown into another world, I at least deserve some OP powers, right? Maybe some god-tier magic? Super strength? Time manipulation?"
The goddess smirked. "You shall receive… the power of Stealing."
Kevin blinked. "Stealing?" He scoffed. "That's it? What kind of half-assed hero power is that?"
The goddess's smile widened into something wicked, her golden eyes gleaming with amusement. She leaned in close, her voice dripping with condescension.
"Do you really think… a garbage like you can become a hero?"
A chill ran down Kevin's spine. Before he could react, his vision blurred, his body suddenly heavy.
"W-Wait… what do you mea—"
Darkness swallowed him whole.
**
Kevin's eyes cracked open, his brain still rebooting like a laggy computer. His whole body felt like it had been used as an NPC punching bag.
He groaned and sat up, rubbing his face. "Ugh… did I just get isekai'd mid-nut?"
As he blinked the blurriness away, he finally took in his surroundings. The room looked like it came straight out of one of those medieval fantasy games—small, worn-out wooden walls, a creaky bed, and a sad excuse for a cupboard that looked one gust of wind away from collapsing.
There was also a window.
Kevin dragged himself over to it, shoving it open with a loud creaaak. What he saw made him pause.
Rolling green hills. Tiny, old-timey houses with straw roofs. Smoke puffing from chimneys like someone was cooking up a fantasy feast. Dirt roads. And in the distance, a thick forest that screamed "monsters probably live here."
He whistled. "Welp, no skyscrapers, no Wi-Fi signals—yep, this is definitely a medieval world. Guess I really am the chosen one… with stealing powers."
He let that depressing thought sink in for a second before sighing and flopping back onto the bed.
Kevin sat upright on the bed, took a deep breath, and prepared for the moment of truth.
This was it. The legendary isekai cheat power moment. Every anime, every web novel, every trash-tier light novel had taught him exactly how this worked. He clenched his fists dramatically.
With all the confidence of a man summoning his destiny, he declared:
"System!"
…
Silence.
Nothing popped up. No glowing blue screens. No robotic voice announcing his overpowered abilities. Just the sound of the wind outside and a particularly rude bird cawing in the distance.
Kevin blinked. His lips twitched. Maybe he needed to be more specific?
"Status!"
…
Still nothing.
A cold chill ran down his spine. His mouth went dry.
No. No way. This was impossible.
He felt his soul leaving his body as he slowly realized the horrifying truth.
He had just yelled "System" and "Status" like a damn lunatic… for nothing.
His face heated up. Embarrassment hit him like a horse-drawn carriage. What if someone had heard him? What if this world didn't even have a system? What if—
No. There was no way that bitch of a goddess had actually thrown him into a fantasy world without powers. Right?
Right??
Kevin sat there, shoulders slumped, staring blankly into space like a broken NPC.
For the first time in his second life, he just felt sad.
Kevin was still staring into the abyss, contemplating his new life as a powerless loser, when suddenly—
DING!
A glowing blue panel popped up right in front of his face.
[Hi!]
His heart nearly jumped out of his chest.
"OH SHIT—Wait. Wait, wait, wait! Is this—?!" His eyes widened in excitement. He pointed at the floating text. "Are you the system?!"
[Yep!]
His excitement surged. "Where the hell were you?! I just humiliated myself screaming 'Status' like a dumbass!"
[HEHE! I just wanted you to feel embarrassed.]
Kevin's eye twitched. He clenched his fists. "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE?!"
[Yup! You were funny. Also, I'm still trying to process how you managed to get isekaied while jerking off. I've seen a lot of deaths, but mid-nut? That's a new low, buddy.]
Kevin's soul shattered. "C-Can we NOT bring that up?!"
[Nah, this is historical. This is going in the System Archives forever.]
Kevin groaned, burying his face in his hands. "I cannot believe my own damn system is bullying me."
[You should believe it. Anyway, what's up?]
Kevin took a deep breath, trying to move past his public execution. "Okay, okay. Important question—can you even do anything?"
[Ehhh… don't question me.]
He narrowed his eyes. "So… no?"
[Look, just trust the process—]
"You're useless, aren't you?"
[Y'know what? Good bye.]
The blue panel vanished.
Kevin froze. His brain short-circuited.
"W-Wait—what?! You're leaving?!"
Silence.
The room suddenly felt colder.
His shoulders sagged. His lip trembled. "System…? Are you there?"
Nothing.
Kevin flopped back onto the bed like a discarded ragdoll, his soul completely drained.
"I just got abandoned… by my own system."
He sighed. This was it. This was how his new life would go. No powers, no guidance, just him, struggling in a medieval world, systemless and alone.
Time passed. He didn't know how long he sat there, wallowing in despair.
Then—
DING!
[…Okay, I'm back.]
Kevin shot up. "DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN."