Dear Scientists,
Something has always felt off. I could never pin exactly what it was that made me feel this way, but I think that I have recently come to a realization. In the past I had felt too guilty to acknowledge it, but I now know that this is the way to fix my feeling of "off," no, maybe the only way to.
I have come to the realization that I feel stuck. I am bored of this monotonous and mundane life that I have been living. I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, eat, and go to bed to do the whole thing over again the next day. I can feel myself slowly slipping into an automotive slumber of repeating the same tasks over and over again and I think that it might drive me into insanity.
I still feel a bit of guilt for feeling this way, as this is a completely cognitive problem. There is nothing necessarily "bad" about my life.
I come from a fairly well off family. My parents are together, and love me. Yet, my mind still tells me that it is not enough, I am still missing something.
I told my parents about how I was feeling and they said that it was probably just a depressive episode due to being in an uncertain time of life, as I still haven't figured out what exactly I want to do after college. I went to therapy, yes, but all that I ended up talking about was my grades, upcoming school projects, or my relationships with other people. I felt like I was still avoiding the issue.
My parents and my therapist tell me that I may be depressed and have anxiety. But in all honesty, I don't feel anything.
There is a void inside myself sucking out any emotion I feel the moment that it is ignited, extinguishing it from its existence even before I have the chance to act on it. It is almost as if I don't have enough energy or reason to act. I need a catalyst, something to burst past the threshold that is keeping my emotions contained within the void so that I can feel once again.
I believe that the Tournament is the catalyst that I am looking for.
So please, let me do the honor of participating in your research.
Best regards,
Kaden