Two Of Pentacles
After my night with Dr. Torrez, I was full of mixed emotions. I am always filled with mixed emotions. I am also a habitual over-thinker. Now after my date turned X-rated slumber party I was feeling pretty good. It's been a few days and nothing had changed between Drew and I but somehow fear and paranoia set it. Was it insecurity? Fear of my failed past relationships? Are we even in a relationship? I was so deep in my rambling thoughts that I almost didn't hear the phone ring.
"Hello?" "Hey Z it's me, Stephen. Can we talk?"
I was completely frozen. Why was he calling me? Why now? And what's worse was a small part of me was happy to hear from him.
"Hello? Can you hear me?" "Yes, Yes. What do you want?" "Well, what kind of greeting is that, Zoe?" "We haven't talked in weeks" I finished, "so no need to start now."
"Hey please don't hang up I just want you to listen just hear me out. I know you're probably still mad at me." "Still mad?" "If you don't get the fuck off of my phone!" I scream.
Click.
Still mad? Oh cheat on me and get her pregnant? And I find out a few weeks before we tie the knot! Nah I'm not mad at all! Just then my phone vibrates and I receive a text:
I know you're hurt and mad and yes, I cheated but it wasn't because of you it was my issue. I guess karma is paying me back now because she told me she needed to come to clean and the baby might not be mine. I just wanted to do the right thing. Because of the baby. I know that may be hard for you to wrap your head around because I hurt you in the process. I was confused. I put myself under a lot of pressure. I thought that I was not ready for commitment. I confided in someone else and it went too far. I was gonna end it and I was going to tell you. But then I found out Angela was pregnant. So I thought being with her for the baby was the right thing to do. I fucked up big time, I lost the love of my life, what can I do to get you back? I'll spend the rest of my life making up for you.
I sat there in silence replaying the whole situation as I read his words. Angela was a friend of one of our mutual friends, we had met early on in our relationship going out on group dates. I noticed she seemed to be kinda sweet on Stephen but he always brushed her off, never fed into any of her advances. Around this time our wedding date was approaching and Ryan and I seemed to be bumping heads a lot. He started staying out late and not being so available. I always prided myself in giving him his space and privacy. But his changed behavior sent me into full investigation mode. One night when he came home wasted from hanging with the fellas, I took his phone and went through it. When I went through his text messages I didn't see anything odd. But when I went through his social media accounts I was able to find out more than I bargained for.
They had been talking for months. He would complain about me working night shift, and she would talk about how she wouldn't leave him at home alone if he was with her. I had a momentary flash of anger as I read the messages. I couldn't believe my eyes and all this was going on while we planned our wedding! My girlfriends and my mother all wanted me to confront her but for what? I wasn't in a relationship with her, I was in a relationship with him. He should have known better. I demanded he stop seeing her and we go to counseling. By this time we only had 2 months until our wedding. Everything appeared to be going as planned until we were at a weekend getaway we planned to get back to ourselves. His phone ran and then he stood motionless and dropped the phone. I knew it was something serious. I was thinking about the death of a relative. It was the death of us. She told him she was pregnant.
Any shred of dignity and grace left my body as I tried to pull this man limb from limb. How could you growl? How could you? I wept. And that was the end of us. The physical end. But mentally It would still take some time. Being apart from him was really difficult at first. It's so weird how the heart and the mind works. He cheated on me, broke my heart. Embarrassed me. But yet some parts of me felt as though I should let him come back, try again to work it out. I was lonely. I think I had just gotten used to someone being there and that's really what I craved. Meeks would tell me the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. I didn't want that. I wanted to be in love. I want equal give and take. Am I ready to be in a committed relationship? No because I am still healing from this hurt. But I do believe that when the time is right I'll have the love I deserve.
But...just like clockwork when things are going good something or someone comes along to derail you.