She was diagnosed with depression when she turned twenty-one.
Charlotte slumped in the stiff corner chair of the doctor's office, watching through half-lidded eyes as her mother bobbed her head like a mechanical doll. The doctor's voice washed over her in waves of meaningless syllables—sertraline, fluoxetine, bupropion–each one just another pill that was supposed to fix whatever had broken inside her.
Now that she is twenty-three, her mother and her doctor are starting to wonder if she will ever make any significant improvement in her illness. Changes big enough to stop her mother from wasting money on useless drugs to lift her ''mood'' so she liked to call it.
''So, let her spend more time with her friends, let her go out and have more fun…does she have any boyfriend?''
Charlotte stopped playing with the necklace around her neck. It had been there since she was five years old and had always asked her mother why she could never take it off when it was another ugly piece of shit. Her mother's brown eyes fall on her with raised eyebrows at the female doctor's question.
She always hates when she does this; pretending in front of people that she had no idea of what goes on in her daughter's life. It was sickening. This familiar charade only deepened the shadow hanging over her already bleak day.
''Yes, I do–''
''No, she doesn't have any, doctor.''
The doctor's gaze darted between them confused, wondering whom to believe. Charlotte fixed a searing glare at her mother, rage building as the woman once again erased her best friend from existence with practiced dismissal.
''Mom?'' She pressed when her mother remained adamant to agree to such ''nonsense''. So she calls it.
''Carry on doctor,'' She continued with a fake smile. ''My daughter has been single as a nun since her birth.'' She said with her chest rising and falling in her desperate attempts to cover up another part of her ''mental illness''.
What would the world say this time if they should know about the mental state of her daughter? That has always been her long-time fear.
''Okay,'' the doctor chose to continue. ''Since she doesn't have any…''
''Mom?'' Tears began to well up strongly in her eyes as both of her hands balled into tight fist. Her mother ignored her whining and nodded for the doctor to say what she had to say.
''…I will suggest she finds one. While people focus more on the dark side of a relationship and try to avoid it, we doctors have come to agree with the terms that having someone you love and care about right by your side can contribute significantly to lifting depression.''
''Don't worry doctor, I will encourage her to find one.''
Charlotte leaned back on her seat in disbelief. Hot tears burned and trickled down her cheeks at this true monster before her.
''It would work better if genuine feelings are attached and emotions are involved. I want her to start feeling alive again like you told me she once was.''
Miranda just gave the doctor a tight-lipped smile and waited patiently for this appointment to end.
Charlotte followed behind her mother out of the doctor's office. The next appointment was to see a therapist by two later in the day, which Charlotte had always stubbornly refused, saying that she didn't need anyone trying to convince her to believe again that the world was truly a happy place. That there was still some good in people no matter what.
She slumped against the car window, the familiar worn upholstery cradling her as it had done for years. Through the rearview mirror, her mother cast anxious glances, each one reflecting the growing distance between them.
''We would first stop at a pharmacist and get those drugs. The nice doctor said you should get to add to your ongoing medications before we head on to see the therapist,'' Her mother stated.
Charlotte sighed sadly as her mother added more gasoline to her already burning life. She is depressed or mentally ill, her mother would say from one doctor to the next.
Meanwhile, her problem was simply the pain of seeing the world in a different light. It's true dark light.
''Mom, I love Ree-ree.''
Miranda couldn't stop herself from grinding her teeth hard in frustration as she hit the horns of the car so loudly and aggressively.
''I will always do.''
''Ugh, for the love of God, Char, would you please get over this demonic phase of your life?! Ree-ree was someone you made up in your life a long time ago. He is not a real person!'' She snapped, taking her hands off the wheel and throwing it into the air in frustration.
''It is not a phase, and Ree-ree is a real person,'' She admitted for the millionth time to them. ''You won't understand since you haven't met him yet.''
How can I meet with someone I can't physically see? Miranda pulled on the strands of her hair as she tried to understand her mentally insane daughter better. At first, they all thought it was normal for a five-year old to have an invisible friend alongside a normal one. But when Ree-ree refused to leave her life even after she clocked sixteen, they started seeing it as more than just having an imaginary friend.
Ree-ree walked into her life when she was probably three years old or four. She could not see him physically until now, but he is ever so present and better to relate with than all her other friends. He was with her during her lonely moments, shifting objects around and allowing the gentle breeze to softly caress her hair.
Initially, it was simply a friendship between her and her imaginary companion, but it deepened significantly the night she discovered her mother burying the body of her father, whom she had ''accidentally'' poisoned on her eighteenth birthday. That was the moment the bright and cheerful smile on her face left and never returned.
It grew scarier when her mom hid her crimes from the authorities and from the rest of their extended family. Threatening to stuff her face with a pillow should she breathe a word to a soul.
How has she been living her life since then? You might ask.
Life has been great. Terrific! As long as she still had the ever present presence of Ree-ree to hold on to and keep to her sanity. She'd just seen the world for what it is now and in a darker light. She wished she could travel back in time to her old self and plead to her never to be so unconditionally nice to people.
People were monsters. Her mother was a living example.
When she asked her mother a simple question as to why she murdered her father. She responded casually that he wouldn't stop drinking and stinking the whole house for her. It was too much for her to bear.
''You could have just divorced him.''
She remembered her arguing back at her. Instead of killing the father figure in her life for a mere reason as being smelly or a heavy drinker. No one really deserved to be killed because of it.
She chose to remain with her mother instead of fleeing for her life like any sane child would. Deep down, she harbored the hope that her mother would lose patience with her alleged illness and deem it unbearable enough to wish her dead.
The world was indeed too suffocating for her to live in, and her life was too complicated for the average to understand.
If not for Ree-ree in her life, she would have ended her life a long time ago, but it was never too late to die.
The sky above their heads rumbled as rain descended upon them like thin streaks of water. They paused at the same traffic light and noticed it was still the same policeman stationed at that particular spot. He looked older than the last time she saw him and was always without an umbrella over his head. The reason she was putting around her neck this ugly thing that really had no value to her life.
Her mother sighed deeply behind the wheel.
''I think I have endured more than enough of your insanity, Charlotte.'' Her eyes found her through the rearview mirror. Brown eyes against darker brown ones.
''It wouldn't take long before I also get dragged into your crazy little world and start to believe in a nonsense such as Ree-ree.''
She felt the air around me shift, and she turned to the empty seat beside her and said, ''Mom, I don't think Ree-ree appreciate you calling him that.''
Mom scoffed out loud and mumbled something she didn't quite catch, but it involved her finding all this more ridiculous. It wouldn't be if she understood her better.
''I have to end this because I can't keep living like this,'' She said, following a string of other incoherent words to herself that accompanied a huge frown on her face.
As the car started to move, she sank deeper into the hard seats and felt herself growing sleepy. She let out a gentle yawn and, after flashing a smile at Ree-ree, she closed her eyes and began to drift into a peaceful slumber.
Finally, her mom was ready to end it.