I awoke with a weight on my heart that only seemed to grow stronger. My mind wouldn't let up. I couldn't drift away into my usual safe space of happy thoughts, darker ideas kept surfacing, remerging, no matter how I tried to suppress them.
A typical week has me working part-time for 4 days and allows me to rest for 3 days. But I only spent the rest days loathing around, doing nothing productive.
It had been a long time since I had graduated. The cross paths of my life have slowly turned into dead ends, as I just didn't have the confidence to branch out and make new connections.
My social skills were essentially nonexistent. And deep down inside, I knew exactly why. I wasn't exactly your prince charming. Although I had somewhat of a friend group in university, we swiftly drifted apart as we went on with our lives.
Nobody wanted anything to do with the 'Ugly Duckling'. Honestly, I couldn't blame them. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. My face was just that hideous. I removed all mirrors in my apartment, out of fear of what was in the reflection. Although I have a family, they haven't seen me in a while. I started living alone after graduating from college. I have no friends, lovers, or anything of the sort.
Money isn't really an issue, but that's only because I have nothing to spend it on. I have no clue where to use the extra money I get from working once food, bills, and other necessities are taken care of since I have no real hobbies.I live, but I am empty. I walk around as a soul in a hollow shell. I can't help but think, was my life a mistake? Was me being born an error?
Although my thoughts are all over the place, I knew there were several things I wanted. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to look and feel better. I wanted to feel human. I wanted to be born in a world that was for me.