Will it be something shocking when I say that my roommates are abnormal?
I've been living with them for a while now, so I've gotten used to their strange behavior. I don't know if I can interpret it that way, since they aren't people after all, since they died many years ago, and blend in among the living. Yet, it doesn't shock me anymore when there's a violent fight between them, and they call it mere fun. Well... I've already blended in with them, and I also look with amusement in my eyes at the scenes in which Lisa and Andy pull out each other's hair.
Maybe I'm not as cheeky as the demonic twin, who is then eating popcorn and often sipping a Coke as well, but it's hilarious when you know they can't do more harm to each other.
And this time they also provide me with a good dose of humor when we are four — or should I better say five, since my invisible boyfriend is with us? — in a furniture showroom because Andy decided to play interior decorator one evening after drinking too much alcohol. As he ruled that day: this furniture was fashionable last year, and he likes to follow trends.
I'm used to the fact that the three of them always catch people's attention wherever they go. They are still the biggest sensation in town.
- Just look at that fiery red. It's captivating," says Lisa, looking at the bathroom design with adoration in her eyes.
- Do you want my bathroom to look like the interior of your father's house? - Andy measures her with a look that signifies the blonde's lack of even a hint of taste.
Thomas pulls back an eyebrow when his gaze finds a double bed covered with a canopy.
- Should we try it out? - he asks me a question, and I open my eyes wide, looking at my dead boyfriend with embarrassment. He doesn't remember me, so he's least interested in what we're talking about. - I want to try out the bed, not you," he corrects when he sees my face. - Unless you would like to have more fun among people, then I don't mind any such a proposal. - He puffs out his lips and shrugs his shoulders with indifference. I bet even a public spectacle wouldn't stop him from doing that.
I shudder at the very thought of it.
- Can you just lie down here like that?
- Not allowed, but the customer should have that right to check if the mattress is comfortable before he buys the bed," Victor speaks up, and eventually, he is the one who gets the suggestion from the demonic twin to lie down next to him.
I pull my eyebrows together and watch Thomas throw his back on the mattress and put his hand under his head. My dead boyfriend stands on the other side of the bed and thinks about something for a moment, then does the same as the demon. Unfortunately... I put my hands to my mouth as he sinks into the mattress and a trace of him disappears.
- Where is Victor? - I ask with concern in my voice.
Thomas smiles broadly.
- This mattress is so soft that he absorbed him.
- What's the matter?
- Your boyfriend is just stuck in a sponge. You will have to buy this bed or leave him here for all eternity. I'm afraid that in this situation, it's even the dark reaper who will come out as a fool and not find him with navigation turned on in his head.
- What did you do to him! It was on purpose, wasn't it? - I stomp my foot like an angry child, worrying about Victor. If I hadn't withdrawn my thoughts from my head at the last moment, I would have said out loud that he would suffocate there, but that's impossible because he is a soul without a body. - Why did you imprison him?
- After all, I'm telling you that it was the mattress that absorbed him," he answers calmly, using his finger to summon a woman who is an employee of the store. - We have a problem.
- How can I help you? - Her smile is so artificial and forced that even I can see it. Well... you have to be obnoxiously polite to the customer.
- Do you see the tears in this woman's eyes? - She points at me with her hand, so the woman looks at me closely for a moment. - These are not tears caused by the sight of this beautiful bed, which probably causes a lot of heartbreak in this place when the people who fall in love with it can't afford to buy it. - Andy looks over her shoulder when she hears her friend's nonsensical statement. - She cries because her beloved is trapped in that very mattress.
The woman is so confused that at first she opens her eyes wide and simply looks at the golden-haired demon, wondering what he is talking about.
- The gentleman is joking, right?
- Do I look like I'm joking? - He points his finger at his face and I really feel like laughing, even though I'm angry with him.
The woman's face expresses such confusion that she remains silent for a long moment, wondering what she should answer the customer so as not to offend him.
- I understand that you are interested in buying a bed....
- When did I say I was interested in buying? - she interjects, putting her hands on her chest. - I think I clarified it that her boyfriend was stuck in a sponge.
- I really don't know what you mean, if this isn't a joke, but....
- I want you to bring a knife and cut the mattress. You need to let the lost soul out of there," he claims, pulling down his brow. He looks into her eyes for a long moment, and then the woman obediently heads for the storeroom.
- What are you doing? - I'm angry with him because the employee will be in trouble because of him. Probably from her pocket she will have to cover the price of the bed, since it will not be marketable. - You can't play games with people like that. You hypnotized her.
Andy unexpectedly tears into a frowning Lisa, and at this point they look like a bickering married couple.
I just sigh with resignation.
*
- I want the car keys! - shouts Lisa, stamping her feet and making a childish whining sound, with which she tries to persuade Andy to let her sit behind the wheel.
I look at Victor, who is measuring the silhouette of the demonic twin with a grim face. He is clearly offended by his earlier joke.
- The last time I let you drive, you narrowly missed killing passing children in the lanes!
- The puppies came out at a red light, so it's too bad I didn't run them into those little skinny asses after all. They would have learned a lesson.
- You have a small, skinny butt yourself," Victor says, once again making her realize that she is too thin for a young woman.
- Don't talk to me when you don't even have a body! - She warns him with her finger, while out of the corner of my eye I glance at Thomas, who is browsing web pages on his phone, leaning against the hood of the car.
I walk over to him and peek over his shoulder out of boredom to see what he's so fascinated by, but I quickly cover my eyes when I spot pictures of naked women.
He smiles when he sees my reaction.
- I look for new wallpaper. Andy and Lisa won't come to an agreement soon, so we sit here for a while.
- What is so fascinating about a woman without clothes? - I ask, looking at him with distaste.
- Take off your clothes and I'll tell you.
His smile is so knockout that I blush at these words.
- How clever you are in your statements. I wonder if you would undress if someone told you to do so.
He shrugs his shoulders dismissively.
- Everyone knows what a man's and woman's body looks like, so what's there to be ashamed of?
- So why are you setting yourself up with a naked woman when you know what her body seems like, and it no longer impresses you? - I feel incredibly proud when I tease him.
He lowers the hand in which he holds the phone and measures me from the bottom up.
- Because I like naked women. Their smooth skin, gorgeous shapes.... - he drags, stopping his gaze on my breasts a moment longer. I wrinkle my eyebrows and shield them with my hands. - In fifteen years, I have visited all the full-grown women living in this country in their bathrooms.
- What do you mean you visited? - I ask, out of the corner of my eye glancing at Lisa, who is jumping around and still up to something, fiercely wanting to take Andy's keys away.
- All of them," he points out, smiling roguishly. His gaze tells me that here it is also about me.
I open my eyes wide and feel my cheeks begin to burn. I don't have to look in the mirror to know that I'm probably purple in the face.
- Are all demons perverted?
- I'm not a pervert," he replies offended, putting his hands on his chest. - I am simply a lover of women's bodies.
- And isn't that the same thing?
- No.
Lisa runs up to me and grabs my arm, turning me to face her.
- Tell this smug rosary that it's safe to ride with me. I drove you to the university once and nothing happened, right?
- Rosary? - I repeat, having no idea why he calls him that.
- Oh, I call him that because of his pink hair and pure soul, but never mind.
- He doesn't have a pure soul," I announce, making Thomas laugh.
- If I didn't have a pure soul, I wouldn't be an angel! You would have died that day, you ingrate! - yells at me Andy, drawing the attention of passing people. - It's a joke," he defends himself, assuming the form of a polite boy.
Victor shakes his head, clearly worried about our thoughtlessness.
- Because of them, I will end up in hell.
Andy walks over to Lisa and places the car keys in her hand. She opens her eyes wider with happiness.
- One condition. - He lifts his finger, and she listens to him attentively. - Get me a seventy-year-old whiskey for tonight.
- What's one little steal for me? - She shrugs her shoulders.
- I have nothing to do with it. She does the dirty work for me. - Andy puts on an innocent face, and I can't contain my laughter.
I don't think anyone in the world has roommates as crazy as I do, if we already turn a blind eye to the fact that they're not human.
*
Andy pretends to have trouble breathing as he gets out of the car. He pats his chest with his hand and coughs as he runs home. I see him glance at me, and a smile appears on his face. I realize that he is purposely teasing Lisa, wanting to prove to her that he is a hopeless driver.
- How he irritates me! - shouts the blonde, angrily closing the front door in front of his nose. Angel looks over his shoulder and finally straightens up.
- Remember, I will never forgive you for running down a white, innocent bunny on the road.
- AAA... so that's the point. You have been harboring a grudge against me all this time because that day I didn't crash my car into a tree, but preferred to run over a bunny?
- You don't even have a bit of compassion in you!
I put my hand to my forehead and glance at the guys who are standing next to me.
- What's going on with them lately? They are constantly fighting.
- If they were human I would blame it on hormones, and so I can only conclude that it's a train," Thomas answers me, interrupting for a moment to read the news about the approaching asteroid.
- What train? - I blink my eyelids, not knowing what he is talking about.
- What he means is that two people feel attracted to each other," Victor explains, wondering for a moment himself if he is really right.
Thomas crinkles his eyebrows as he zooms in on the photo, and then a broad smile appears on his face.
- Looking at obscene photos again?
- Should I crucify you now, or would you rather die in a cruel way, killed by an asteroid? - he asks me a question, and I open my eyes wider as he turns the phone's screen toward me and shows me a picture of space, as well as a title that says the end of the world is coming.
- Is it true? - At first, I am horrified. - You're a demon, so you should know this.
- So what? Clairvoyant, I am not. - He snorts under his breath.
I look up at the sky and shudder at the thought that this could be true. Although I've lived through many endings of the world, perhaps this one is real? I didn't believe in the existence of angels and demons before, and now they are my roommates.
Should I start to worry?
- I guess this is the reason when I start to be glad that I died after all," Victor speaks as he looks over the demon's shoulder and reads the article.
- Don't worry. - I look at Thomas, who unexpectedly winks at me. - I will protect you with my body. It's harder than a rock, so you'll be the only survivor.