Collette Archer
WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I'm supposed to be not easy but I'm just being a piece of cake. I really need to have more self control, but I just can't help myself when he comes close, it's so frustrating. I really wouldn't have stopped him from doing more, even if it was my first time. It just felt so right. Probably because it's James. I've known him my whole life, and deep down I do trust him, a lot. Even when I hated him, I trusted him because no matter how much I tried to hate him, I always knew he's one of the good guys. So I've always trusted him, trusted him to do the right thing. But after all the heartbreaks I don't know what to do anymore. If I trust him, this time, and he breaks my heart again, it'll be so much worse than the last times. Because it's real this time, everything he's doing is not to make anyone else jealous, not because he feels bad, but because he likes me. He trusts me. And if I trust him and go all in, I would either be the happiest or be depressed. So really I'm just gonna have to be more sure of his feelings and how true they are to make any more decisions about our relationship and that means I need to stop giving in to my stupid impulses and make sure my skin doesn't come into contact with his.
I'm so glad he didn't stop me from leaving after our "incident", I left his room and went straight to mine, locked my door, then went into my bathroom and screamed. It was the only way I could vent out my feelings and get it all out before I see him again. I didn't want to be too weird though so I decided to go back down in a while so that it doesn't look like I'm ignoring him or that I regretted what I did. Maybe I did, a little, but that's only because of me not him. He was perfect, and he stopped the moment he thought I was uncomfortable, even though I didn't say no. He is actually sweet when he doesn't hate me. He has pretty much had my back always though, not just now, even when we were kids, even when I passed out, when I'd wandered off into that shady street, even when I got lost in the forest, when I got hurt, and even when gamma passed away. He was always there whenever I needed him and even though he'd always cover up those nice things with mean words and actions, I don't think he ever meant those, he probably just said all that because he thought I was a bad person, but know that's changed, he trusts me and I pretty sure he feels terrible about how I just left abruptly after our moment, maybe he even feels guilty. I should just tell him how I really feel, how I have always trusted him and how I'm willing to bet on us. It's time I went all in, all of the moments I've had with him recently, made me so unbelievably happy and I want to keep feeling that. I'm going to trust him, I should probably tell him that tomorrow though, playing hard to get is kind of fun, and it's nice to be wooed.
When I go back down, I see Thalia and I'm instantly relieved cuz I don't have to interact with James in front of her, I need to ignore him even, which is great! Cuz even though I've decided to tell him that I do trust him, I'm not doing that today so it's going to be a little awkward. He can't even think, that me being mean to him is real cuz we are pretending to be our normal selves in front of Lia . Which means we have to keep bickering ! Great!
"Oh I'm so glad you're here, I was getting really sick of your brother" I say
"Your starting fights too now?" Lia asks, "James can you please just refrain from replying to that with a comeback".
"I can't even think of any" he says not even looking at me. He looks kind of sad like a puppy, I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him I trust him and we should start dating now. But I just turn and walk to the kitchen, feeling so stupid and terrible.
"Wow, no comeback? Did you two switch roles or something? Letty is usually the one who gets yelled at" Lia says.
And then James gets up from the couch and says, "No she's not! Why would you say that? I've never yelled at her!"
So. Not. True.
"So not true" Lia says as if reading my mind, "you always yell at her, and she never speaks up, but I will! She's my best friend and you always hurt her, you always make her cr-"
"Lia!" I interrupt, "Lia, don't fight with your brother for me, I'm okay"
"What do you mean for you? Who else would I fight with him for? I'm so done with him, I don't think I can take it anymore" Lia sighs and then turns to James again, "it was wrong of me to hide the whole thing with Will from you, but you need to accept your mistakes too."
"You have been such a jerk to my best friend, for the longest time now, and she has been nothing but nice to you, how could you possibly think that she would betray me? Do you want to know what actually happened that day? I'll tell you!" Lia says
"No, Lia, shut up, don't" I say, "not right now"
"Then when?" She replies, "I know it's your secret but I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to tell him"
I go closer to her, and put my hand on her mouth before she can say anything, "James you mind leaving us alone for like two seconds please" I say, "please?".
He nods and turns to go to his room.
"Lia what are you doing?" I whisper
"Letty, you're like an angel and I just can't take it anymore!" She says being really loud, and James hasn't even left the living room yet so he can definitely hear her, "he's been an asshole to you, and for what? You didn't even do anything that day, my asshole ex forced you!"
James turns back, I can't believe Lia just did that! Ugh what the hell am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to face him, he probably feels terrible. James walks back towards me and grabs my shoulders, "he did what?" He says with anger, "is this true?" He asks me.
"I um, I mean -" I try to form a sentence but then Lia cuts me off "Of course it's true, I saw it."
He turns towards her, "really? He forced her?" He asks her and all his anger dissipates into sadness.
"Now, reflect on your actions for a while" Lia says, not so angry anymore when she sees the sadness on James' face. I try to hold his arm but then Lia pulls me away and takes me towards the stairs. "Lia! Gimme a second!"
"No! You're coming with me!" She says and pulls me into her room.
I really wanted to comfort James, he looked so sad. Aww my little puppy! Did I just say 'my' puppy? I mean I guess he is. But he's alone and sad but I guess I'm gonna have to deal with Lia first, she really needs to get updated on everything, it's about time I tell her.
She goes and sits on her bed after pulling me into her room. She looks like she feels bad after making James feel guilty but she's still mad at him too. She just sits there and doesn't say anything.
"You ok?" I ask
"You're asking me that?" She asks back
"Ya well, you're the one who fought with your brother"
"He deserves it, I should have done it long ago"
"Lia, we um we need to… talk" I stutter
"What? What's wrong"
"It's about James"
"There's more? What did he do now?"
"No it's not that, it's umm different, he umm"
"He what?"
"We kissed" I blurt and immediately turn around and head for the door, cuz I feel like she's going to kill me if I don't leave, but she grabs my sweatshirt and pulls me back.
"WHAT?" She screams so loud that I'm sure James heard it too.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" She continues yelling, "how could you not tell me! Wait then why were you guys fighting? I'm so confused! WHAT? Unbelievable! My mom was right! She totally predicted this! But that's not what matters right now, what matters is how don't I know?"
"Ok Lia, are you done?"
"NO! NOT IN THE LEAST!" She screams again, "when the hell did this happen?"
"Well the first time-"
"THE FIRST TIME? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU KISSED?"
"Umm I don't know like 3"
"OH MY HOLY GOOD LORD, HOW? WHEN? WHAT WAS I DOING? I LITERALLY LIVE WITH YOU BOTH!"
"So umm basically, your brother has been pretty damn nice to me, and you yelled at him for no reason!"
"Not for no reason, he was an asshole to you for such a long time, he deserved it"
"Ugh fine, but don't yell at him again"
"Wow look at you taking his side already" Lia scoffs
"I did not! I'll always be on your side, promise" I say "now, I'll tell you the details later, imma go check on James"
…
I walk down the stairs to go check on James but I hear the main door closing so I rush towards the door and open it, an ice cold breeze hits me and makes me shiver, but I ignore the cold and step out, "where are you going?" I ask James. He was walking away but stops at the sound of my voice. "I- I um need to think about some things" he says without turning and takes another step front.
"Stop!" I say and walk towards him, and it just keeps getting colder and colder, I hug myself as I walk toward him and he finally turns. He doesn't even make eye contact for a while and then he notices my shivering. "What are you doing?" He says and rushes towards me, he tries to take his coat off. "Don't, you'll be cold then" I say,
He stops trying to take it off and pulls me closer, he takes my hands and puts them on his back inside his coat and then wraps the coat around me and hugs me.
"Why would come out without a sweater?" He asks.
"I just heard the door close so I rushed out before you could leave" I answer. He drags me back into our house and closes the door behind him. Then he rubs his hands and puts it on my pink ears, and then on the rest of my face, after I'm warm enough he takes my hands off his back, "I need to punish myself right now, and the only way I can do that is by staying away from you, I don't deserve you one bit" he says and heads to the door again.
"James!" I stop him, "you said you won't break my heart again, you said you wont make me cry, how could you just leave me?"
He turns back and cups his hands on my face, "Collette , how am I supposed to forget every terrible thing I've said to you and done to you? I have been such an asshole to you and you have been nothing but nice, how could you forgive me for all that?" He says.
"So you're gonna leave me? Again? I've been dreading something like this since yesterday and you're actually gonna make it come true?" I say, my eyes fill up with tears.
"Collette" he says and hugs me and I can't hold back my tears anymore. I sob into his chest and he rubs my back. "I'm making you cry again" he mutters. I cry my eyes out for what felt like 27 minutes and after I'm done crying I still hang on to him and don't let go, nor does he.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart" he says still rubbing my back, "I promise I'll make it up to you, if punishing myself is gonna punish you too, then I'll have to repent for my actions in some other way, you have any ideas?"
I take my head off his chest, face him, and nod, "you need to do everything I tell you to do for a month!" I exclaim.
"Hmm that's a little too-"
"Long?" I cut him off, "okay how bout 2 weeks?"
"No, it's too short, I was thinking the rest of my life"
"Huh?" I ask confused.
"I'll do everything you tell me to for the rest of my life" he says and my cheeks turn red. "Ok" I whisper and purse my lips together.
We walk back to the hall, holding hands and Thalia peeks down from the stairs.
"How long have you been there?" I ask
"Umm like the whole time?" She replies and walks down, "so are you guys, like.. together now?"
I look at James and he looks back, "You're the one being courted, you decide" he says
"Mm, well since it almost the end of the day, let's make it official tomorrow" I say and smile.
"Okay" James kisses my cheek. "I'm still not talking to you though " James says pointing to Thalia.
"Nor am I!" She replies
"Alright now, make up already" I say
Both of them don't say a word. "Do you want me to pick who goes first?" I ask
"Fine I'll go, only, because I heard the conversation you two had, and I guess James is pretty regretful of his actions, so umm.. I guess you're not a complete asshole… there I'm done, don't expect any apologies, whatever I said was true and you know it!"
"Lia!" I say
"It's fine, it is true, and I do know it" James says
"Ok, how about we have happy conversations now? Hmm? Like.. dinner? What do you guys want, I'll cook!"
They wanted pasta, and when I asked, they both answered together in perfect sync and that made us laugh and they both properly made up, and were talking while I was cooking, they were sitting in chairs next to the kitchen so I could hear their whole conversation.
"So you know when you said that you don't deserve letty, you mean she should find someone better right? I know a few guys.. just saying, they're all so much better than you" lia says
"Don't even think about it, she's mine" James says and I try to pretend like I didn't just hear that and I'm too invested in my pasta. But he just called me his, ahhhh!
"She's not yours, she's mine" Lia says, I mean it is true. "And for the record you should learn from me, look at how cool I am with you two having a thing and all, you literally made such a big deal of Will dating me"
"Well that was different" James replies
"Oh, how so?
"First off, you both were full fledged dating which is not happening between Collette and I and then-"
Thalia cuts him off, before he can continue, "you guys have already kissed three times, and you're not dating?"
"How'd you know that? She told you?" James says and then looks at me, "When did you tell her?"
"Just now" Thalia answers for me and looks at me and says, "I should have been told earlier though"
"Okay, those, were not, well, only one of those was, you know what I don't have to report anything I do to you"
"And I do?" Thalia says.
"Ya huh, I'm your older brother, three whole years older!"
"Then why do you act like a five year old?"
"I've been too nice to you lately, haven't I? I really need to-"
"Really need to what? What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to tell mom" James smiles.
"Wow, you're going to snitch on me, to our mother?"
"Uh huh, she is the only one who can bring you in line"
"I hate you"
"Oh me too!"
That goes on for a while and after what felt like a century of making pasta, it finally is ready and I get them both to stop fighting by stuffing their mouths with food.
We eat very awkwardly in silence and then Thalia and I head up to our rooms, she just pulls me and doesn't even let me say good night to James and then pulls me into her room and makes me tell her everything that has happened between James and I, I do, leaving out the parts when he was really mean to me and she's just awwing the whole time.
We sleep in her room and when I wake up she's already gone, probably down making breakfast. When I walk down the stairs, I see her talking to James, and they look like they're having a pretty serious conversation. They're not close, but I can still hear them.
"Look brother, I love you and all, but if you ever break Lia's heart, I will kill you, and she's really fragile, and she won't ever let you know that she's hurt, so you're gonna have to figure that out on your own, she always puts others first, so you better always put her first, and she means the world to me, so you better always have her back and give her all the love, care and respect she deserves. Understand?" Thalia says
"Yes Maam, I promise" James replies
I'm almost in tears, my best friend is the best! I'm going to cry, how can someone be so perfect, she's really a godsend, I love her so much.
——
Thalia leaves for university early and James and I were alone at home for a while, I wash up and go down to the living room but I don't see him there so I assume that he is in the shower. I watch the tv for a bit, and then he shows up, with wet hair, a cute Spiderman T-shirt and joggers. The wet hair just made him look so hot.
He sits beside me, slides his left hand around my waist and pulls me close, then with his other hand, he pulls off the pencil which was the only thing holding my bun in place and lets my hair free. He comes closer to kiss me and I close my eyes, but I wait for a while and don't feel and kiss so I open my eyes and he's just 2 nano meters away from me. He looks at me and smiles, "are you sure sure you want to do this? Because I don't think I can stop midway like last time, this time".
"I'm sure" I smile and give him a peck on his lips. He smiles again and goes all out with the most passionate kiss ever. He pulls me tighter and more closer to him and our bodies are completely touching, I wrap my hands round his neck tighter too. He lifts me up, off the ground so that we are eye to eye, and kisses me harder then he starts walking down to his room, without taking a breath from our kiss even for a second. The next second, we are already in his room and my back is against the wall, he pins me there and now goes to kissing my neck, it feels so unbelievably good. While kissing my neck he unhooks my bra and pulls it off from inside my top. Then he slides his hands inside my top, caressing my waist and comes back to kissing my lips. Then he grabs me from against the wall and takes me to his bed, he takes off his T-shirt and then my top and then in what felt like two mili seconds our pants are off too and we are completely naked, the lights were off but we could see each other's bodies through the dim lamp light and my god is he hot, so freaking hot. He then does things to me that I didn't even know existed but every second felt amazing. He was gentle the whole time though and never forced me into anything too intense. After we were done, I was so exhausted. I don't even know why because the whole time my hormones were at cloud 9, but after it got over, I was done too. I was so exhausted that I couldn't even get dressed, I just curled up in his bed and pulled the blanket over me. But he did not seem exhausted at all and seemed like he had all the energy in the world, ironic cuz he did most of the work.
"Aren't you gonna wear something? You'll get cold if you sleep naked" he says.
"Mm, I'm tired" I reply not even opening my eyes.
He wears his joggers and comes to my side of the bed and makes me wear his Spiderman T-shirt. It was really big for me so it almost came down to my thighs.
"You are so beautiful" he says staring at me in his T-shirt.
"Thanks" I smile, "now come here and sleep with me".
He nestles right next to me, pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly from behind. "You are a literal angel" he says.
"That's so cheesy do not call me that" I reply
"But you ARE an angel!" He says
"How bout you just stick to sweetheart, or honey? Umm how's babe?"
"Fine coco, I won't call you angel"
"No! Not coco! I mean it is cute but that's what you used to call me to torment me when we were younger"
"You just have a problem with every name don't you?"
"Well you keep coming up with stupid names, why can't you just stick to the classics?"
"Because, the classics are so normal, and I want to call you something that's personal, that only I can call you"
I turn back so that I'm facing him, I wrap my hands around his neck and comb his hair, "were you always this cute?" I smile.
"Mm hmm" he pouts