Collette Archer
And he's back, the cold, cruel, Devil's spawn, who I hate. I got a little swayed back there, for some time, when he kept touching me, hugging me, dancing with me and he even kissed me! How did I let all of that happen? I must have been out of my goddamn mind. Are all boys just dumb? Such selfish idiots. Tears trickle down my eyes. I don't even know why, I didn't think I felt like crying but I just get into the bathroom and cry my eyes out. I just felt so used, and I probably shouldn't, I knew what I was getting into, I knew it was all pretend, but when he saved me in that forest, when I woke up in his arms, when he carried me, it just felt so real. I even wanted it to be real, but maybe he's just really good at acting, he did all of that just to make his ex jealous, but then what about the things he did, when she wasn't around, in fact no one was around, why would he pretend even then?
I cry all night, let all my emotions out. Thalia knocked on my door twice but I just didn't answer and that probably lead her to assume that I was asleep. But really I was just thinking about James the whole night. I feel like I'm just gonna cry every time I see his face, I need to reset my brain back to the time before the stupid reunion, back to when I hated him and not think about any nice thing that he's done for me.The next day morning I go to the kitchen and get some cold spoons and put them on my eyes because they were swollen from all the crying. And K-Dramas have taught me to use Cold spoons in such situations. I wait for my eyes to get back to normal and when they are better, I get dressed and leave the house, very early. Because it's not just James I can't face right now, but Thalia too, if I see her, I will want to tell her everything and cry, and I can't tell her all that, James is her brother after all, and they both are really close and I really don't want them to fight, so I decide not to see either of them today, give myself a day to be okay with everything and then I'll go and act normally with Thalia.
I had three lectures back to back in uni, which was great to get my mind off of, you know what, and then I went back home, acted like nothing happened last night, and did not tell Thalia about me crying, but she got some sort of a spidey sense and just hugged me anyway, and I was trying so hard to hold back my tears when she did.
James was in his room, thank god, and we did not talk the whole day. From the next day, everything went back to normal, James and I had minimal if not zero interaction, the only conversations we had were related to breakfast and lunch and who was making what. My life was normal again, and maybe a little empty, without his touch or his soft whisper in my ear. He was still cold, but sometimes I catch him just staring at me, and it's not with hatred but with longing. But I guess I am just imagining it, there's no way he would look at me, with longing. ...It was a Wednesday, so Thalia, Will and I decided to go out to Rasputin's for 'Parm night' and obviously they invited James as well. And for a while I contemplated not showing up, because James is going to, but then I thought to myself, why should I not go because of him? It's been a week since we had that fight anyway and I won't be uncomfortable around him and if he does, he can, not show up. So I decide to go.
Thalia and I dressed up, she, in a red sequin dress and I, in a blue jumpsuit. I take my coat, but she just gets a shrug. We go downstairs and James is definitely staring at me, but when he sees me looking at him, he looks away. "where's your coat?" He asks Thalia.
"I'm not wearing one, it ruins my outfit" she replies
"I'm not giving you my coat, when you get cold" he says
"Fine by me", she replies.
We go out, and it was a rather chilly evening so she was pretty much freezing, but she doesn't complain cuz she had brought this upon herself.
"Take mine" I say removing my coat, "we'll share it"
"You sure?" She asks, "Aren't you cold?"
"I am, but we'll just keep juggling with the coat, it'll be fine"She wears my coat and James says from behind us, "You both, are stupid".
I was freezing even with the coat so I'm basically dying without it, but Thalia seems warmer so I just bear the cold. But then, I feel something warm, from behind me, covering my bare shoulders. James puts his coat over me. I don't protest, cuz I thought I would turn into ice. "Thanks" I say
"This is only because of my sister's stupidity" he replies.
Of course it is, I don't expect anything more from you, I have gotten the hint multiple times, you dislike me, wait no, you hate me, so no need to justify ever act of apparent kindness. I get that you hate me. Ugh. Why does he do nice things and then say terrible things. He is the absolute worst, I cannot wait to get drunk tonight but I probably shouldn't. I have never really had drinks before, so I don't know my tolerance level, but I have a feeling it's pretty high, because I've heard tall people have a higher tolerance and I'm pretty tall.
I start off with some baileys and then go straight to gin and tonic which I realise I'm not a big fan of, then I have a pina colada, to wash off the gin and it tasted absolutely delicious. That's when I took a break, I felt a little drunk, but really not that bad, like I was still in control of my actions and all, but Thalia was already pretty much drunk drunk, she was already at the puking stage, so I had to take her to the washroom and hold her hair up while she vomited. Thalia and Will definitely have something going on, cuz she kept clinging on to him and he wasn't drinking much so that he could take care of her. James was not drinking at all, cuz he was incharge of making sure we all got back home safe. I was so not done with the drinks though, I went for vodka shots next and after a few of those, I think I reached my tolerance because my legs were walking towards James and I couldn't control them anymore, he saw me walking towards him and I pretty much fell on him, he caught me, and said, "how are drunk are you?"
I mumble, "little bit". And then I put my hands around his neck and start whimpering.
"Why did you act so well? Why were you nice, even when no one was around?" I cry and pull back, looking him in the eyes, "I HATE YOU!" I yell, "I HATE YOU FOR HATING ME!" Then I hug him again and start crying again. He pulls me closer wraps his hands around my waist and rubs my back. "Shh, it's ok" he says comforting me. And then I try to pull back again, but he just pulls my head back into his arms. I just stay there in his arms, feeling his touch for a while and he too, just holds me tight.
"I'm sorry" he whispers, and then I slowly pull back, standing face to face with him then, my mouth goes out of my control and I lean in and kiss him. His eyes widen at first but then he just pulls me closer and kisses me back. After what felt like 8 minutes I pull back and just rest my head on his shoulder again, hugging him. And then I pretty much don't remember much cuz my eyes are closed and I can't move a limb, but I feel him carrying me and putting me into the cab and then also carrying me to my bed.
The next day morning, I pretend to not remember what happened last night, he pretends like nothing happened too and Lia, well she doesn't remember anything. We go back to our normal routine, but I still remember his apology, and he wasn't even a bit drunk, so it must have been genuine. But maybe he just said it because he thought I wouldn't remember. I just really start to wonder about why he hates me so much, he needs to hate me for a reason right? If he feels guilty about the way he treats me, then he must do it, because I did something wrong right? But I didn't ever do anything wrong, so why does he hate me SO much? I need to know, because that kiss was as real as it gets, and even though he is an asshole to me, he is a pretty good brother, a good son and a good friend, so overall he's a pretty decent guy. So if he hates me so passionately, it must be because of a reason right? I've got to find out what it is....Another week goes on by, and James is almost completely out of my head now. I was having the best day at uni, everything was just perfect, my quiz went great and my project was the best in class. But I was not prepared for what happened when I was on the way back home. Really not prepared.
After my classes got over, at about 5pm, I left university to go back home, and my mom calls, she stays quiet for a some time and I ask her what's wrong."It's your grandma" she says, crying, "she's gone""What?" Tears fill my eyes, "what do you mean? How-? What? That's not possible, I just talked to her-, what do you mean gone?"
"She left us, she passed away in her sleep" my mom replies sobbing
"No-, she can't" I start crying"Come home, we need to say our goodbyes" mom says.
"I'll be there" I say and hang up
My tears dry up and I can't seem to cry. My body walks towards home, but my mind is blank, this can't be real, my- my gamma, no she can't- she can't just leave me.I enter the house, and James is standing in the living room, he just hung up a call, then he sees me.
"Everything in my life is going wrong ever since you came back again!" He yells at me.Then he grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the wall, "Didn't you hear yet? Why aren't you crying your eyes out? You don't even care, do you?"James loved my gamma too, and she loved him like a grandson, his real grandparents barely visited so he was never close to them. Maybe this is his way of coping, but how could he yell at me? She's my grandma, of course I'm sad, but for some reason I can't cry. I don't tell James any of this though, because I can only hear his words, and for some reason they don't seem to matter to me.
His nails dig in to my shoulders, and it hurts, but I can't seem to react to the pain, I just stand there expressionless, not able to look at his face."Why aren't you answering me? How could you not feel anything? You really are just a cold hearted bitch. Everything is your fault! My life was just fine before you and now gams is gone! I hate you!" He yells. I stand still, without any reaction, my body just felt numb, and then his voice starts fading and I black out.