James Pierce
I should really just keep my mouth shut, why do I always regret what I say to Collette, 2 mins after I say it. I just screamed my lungs out at her and she passed out, I really try to hate her and then she does something like this. I mean I guess it's not fair to yell at her, I just took out all of my frustration at her. I loved gams so much, even though she's not my real grandma she always treated me like her grandson. And I know Collette loved her too, but she just came home expressionless and I got so mad. Anger is my way of coping apparently and I really needed someone to vent all my anger on and I guess it was just wrong time, wrong place, but all of my anger just dissipated when she passed out. I laid her on the sofa and had no idea what to do but thankfully Thalia came home soon.
She spots me, "James did you hear?" She says crying.
That's how a normal person reacts."I did " I say.
"Where's letty?" She asks and then realises she's on the sofa, "Oh my god, what happened?"
"Well, she fainted" I say
"How? When? Oh my god, ohh Letty" she says.
"Well umm I yelled at her a little bit and then she just passed out""You did what? Why would you yell at her?"
"I don't know, I was sad and angry and then she walked in, perfectly fine, like nothing happened and I just got more mad"
"God James! You don't know what's going inside her head! You are an idiot! Now help me get her to her room"
"Fine"I pick her up and put her on her bed.
"Tuck her inside the blanket, I'm going to get some water" Thalia says.I take off her jacket, and tuck her in, and when I put her hands inside the blanket, I see fingernail marks on her shoulders. Shit. I did that. I didn't even realise that I was hurting her. How didn't she say a word, it must have hurt. I regretted what I did even more now. Thalia comes and sprinkles some water on her face. I'm sitting on her bed and Thalia is standing next to her, splashing more water. She jerks awake, and sees Thalia and she smiles, "So it was a dream, oh thank god, I need to call gamma" she sits up and tries to get off but I stop her.
"What?" She looks at me confused and then shakes her head, "Mm mm, let me go, I need to call-, it's not real right? She's still-" her voice cracks up.
"It's not a dream" Thalia says and hugs her, "I'm sorry sweetheart"
She starts crying and, Thalia sobs too, tears come down my eyes too.I leave her room and Thalia comes out after a while too."How is she?" I ask"I put her to sleep, she said she needs to go back home, I hate sending her alone, I wanna say goodbye to gamma too, but I can't miss this week of uni"
"No you can't, you have your mid terms, I'm going to go though"
"You are? Great!" She says, "Please just don't fight with Letty and, don't make her cry, and take care of her"I book the earliest flight which is tomorrow morning at 7. And ask Collette to pack (she was not asleep). We just don't talk about how I yelled at her, just like we ignored that night's kiss, which I know she remembers, but is pretending to forget, which works out great for me because I can continue to hate her, but I probably shouldn't, for a while at least, not until Gams' funeral, she's already hurting and so am I, I'm just going to be neutral to Collette for Gams' sake.
We take a cab to the airport and don't say a word to each other. We finish up the security check and get into the flight. Still not talking to each other but Collette seems to be trembling, it's not that cold, so I don't know why, is she scared of planes? When the plane starts, she grabs my hand, closes her eyes and gasps. So she is scared of planes."Didn't you come here in a plane?" I ask, "why are you so scared?""I um" she realises she's holding my hand and lets go, "well that was the first time I ever got on a plane and it was the most terrifying 15 hours of my life"."You'll live" I say and turn awayAnd we go back to not talking. After a while the plane shakes from some turbulence and Collette is visibly freaked out, she fists her hands and keeps them close to her body and closes her eyes. I take her hand and interlock our fingers. She opens her eyes and looks at me but I turn my head to face straight. She doesn't say anything and just keeps looking at me. The turbulence stops, but I don't let go of her hand, because I just don't seem to be able to, she doesn't try to free her hand either and we just hold hands for the rest of the ride. I just think about how much I've hurt her, that night when she got drunk and cried, I felt so terrible.
When she kissed me, I just wanted to forget every bad thing about her and just kiss her back, but I can't, I can't trust her, and that's never going to change and she deserves all the pain I've given her.
We reach Santa Barbara and go back to our houses, which are right opposite to each other, I wash up before meeting Aunt Rachel and Uncle Max (Collette's parents) and then go to their place where my mom is present already and hug everyone."I'm really sorry for your loss, Aunt ray" I say
"Me too sweetheart, how are you holding up? I know how close you both were" she asks and hugs me again."I'm fine, but it's weird not seeing her here"
"I know", My mom comes and hugs us too. "How was Collette when she heard? She usually tends to hide her tears" she says and glares at Collette who's standing next to the stairs."I was fine, I'm a grown up, I wasn't hiding any tears" Collette says
"She cried the whole night, Thalia told me" I say
"James!" Collette glares at me and walks towards me.
"Oh also, she passed out" I say before she can reach me.
"JAMES! WHY WOULD YOU-? you're such a tattle-"
"YOU PASSED OUT?", My mom asks in unison with Aunt Rachel.
"No, it was not exactly passing out, I was just a little dizzy, really I was fine.
"Both our moms hug the life out of her, "You're supposed to tell me, when something happens to you, you're my only daughter" Aunt Rachel says
"Mom, I know, I will, I do!, but this wasn't a big deal, I'm fine" Collette replies.
"No you're not, I'm not believing a word you say, I only trust James"
"She really wasn't fine Aunt Ray, she woke up only after 30 minutes"
"James, I'm going to kill you, stop exaggerating"
"You shut up" Aunt Ray says to Collette
"But mom!" Collette says, "you guys have been doing this to me since forever"
"You always tattle" she says pointing to me, "and mom you always take his side" she says to Aunt Ray. Then she goes to my mom and hides behind her, "Aunt Lizzie is the only one who is on my side, right?"
"Mm hmm, you two stay away from my Letty" mom says
"Unbelievable mother" I say
"Ya very unbelievable, I can't believe you'd take her side, she never tells us when she's sick and you're taking her side?" Aunt Rachel asks
"Cut her some slack, she's having a hard time cuz of gams anyway, don't scold her now, I'll talk to her ok?" Mom says
"Fine, you talk" Aunt Ray accepts.
We all eat dinner together, my dad and Uncle Max join us and later they go to my house to hang out, I decide to hang out with the girls though, cuz they are way more fun. We spend the whole night together playing video games, drinking hot chocolate and talking about gams. But it wasn't sad, we were reminiscing the happy memories of her and it felt like she was right there too. My mom wanted to sleepover with Aunt Rachel and asked me to just crash on their couch.
"No, why would you ask my sweet James to sleep on the couch?" Aunt rachel says"He can sleep in Collette's room, her bed is huge" she offers.
"Mom!, are you asking me to share a bed with him?" Collette says
"Don't be such a baby, you two have literally grown up together, do you know how many times you've shared a bed?" Aunt Rachel says
"But mom!" Collette protests
"No buts, James, Collette's room is yours" Aunt Rachel says
"Mom, you are so annoying" Collette says and runs to her room
"Good night " Aunt Ray says to her
"Ya whatever" Collette says.
Aunt Ray is the best, but don't ever fight with her, cuz she always has the final word, what we just witnessed is a prime example.
"Good night sweetheart" Aunt rachel says to me, hugging me, I hug my mom too and walk towards Collette's room.
I swing the door open, "finished cleaning?" I ask
"How'd you know I was-?, never mind" she says, she places a pool noodle in the middle of the bed and says , "Now this is my side and that is yours, no crossing over, and definitely no contact, at all, don't you dare touch me"
"It would be my pleasure" I say and jump into my side of the bed. She lies down on her side and I fall asleep. I wake up around 3 am cuz of thirst but then I see Collette shivering, but she's sweating too, she looks like she's having a nightmare so I wake her up.
"Collette" I say shaking her arms, she gasps awake, and then looks at me, and takes short fast breaths like she was just running."Shh, it's okay" I say, "it was just a dream, shh"
Tears fill her eyes and she hugs me, "but it wasn't, it wasn't a dream" she sobs.I toss the pool noodle out, from between us and pull her close."Shh.. everything will be fine" I say rubbing her hands and combing her hair"What if you were right?" she whispers buried inside my arms, "what if it was my fault, maybe if I was here, she would have survived, maybe I could have taken her to hospital, I could have saved her" she cries.
I'm an idiot, I really thought she wasn't paying attention to what I said, I thought maybe she would have forgotten after fainting and all, but she didn't, she remembers what I told her. Why did I tell her that? She's crying because of me. Again. I just hate hating her in such situations. She feels so vulnerable and so innocent, like she needs to be protected and hidden from anything that can even remotely hurt her. I want to protect her, but I'm what hurts her.
"It's not your fault, you're-" I try to comfort her
"You don't have to pretend, I know what you think about me, and I'm not doing this because I need consolation. I just-, well I'm just sleepy really and I don't know why I'm doing this, but I can't seem to let go of you, and I know you hate me, and hate this, but I'm gonna hug you the whole night... I'll make up for it, by not showing my face to you the whole day tomorrow, ok?" she saysI want to tell her so many things right now like I'm not pretending, it really isn't her fault, I was stupid and angry and blurted out shit that I didn't mean, I hate that I'm the reason she's hurting. I really don't mind her hugging me at all and I so don't want to let her go. But all I say is,"Mm hmm" and hug her tighter. She buries her head into my chest and we fall asleep.