It's been five days since I experienced my first rut, something I thought I'd never have to deal with. Through research and Dr. Han's confirmation, I learned that ruts in recessive alphas like me were incredibly rare but not impossible. Still, nothing could've prepared me for how intense it would be. I was exhausted, mentally and physically, but more than anything, I felt a pang of guilt for shutting myself away for so long.
Mae and Mali were both betas, thankfully, which meant they hadn't been affected by my pheromones. But that didn't make it any easier knowing I'd left them to fend for themselves for nearly a week. Mae had taken care of everything, as she always did, but I hated that I'd put her in that position again.
The morning after, I emerged from my room feeling like a stranger in my own house. The lingering effects of the rut were still present—my body ached, my emotions were all over the place, and I felt drained in every sense of the word.
Mae was in the kitchen when I finally stepped out. She looked up from the pot she was stirring, her expression a mix of relief and annoyance. "Oh, look who decided to join the living," she said, hands on her hips. "You're lucky Mali's at school. She's been asking about you nonstop."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, leaning against the doorway. "I should've told you what was going on."
Mae's features softened slightly, though the worry in her eyes didn't fade. "You've been through something, Nat. I get that. But you can't just shut us out like that. Mali thought you were sick, and she was scared."
The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. "I didn't mean to scare her… or you."
"I know," Mae said, her voice gentler now. "But you've got to communicate, especially if this is going to be a regular thing."
I froze at her words. The idea of this happening again sent a wave of panic through me. I hadn't even processed what it meant for me—or why it had happened in the first place.
"Dr. Han said it might not be regular," I muttered, though even I didn't believe it.
Mae sighed, turning back to the pot. "Well, you'd better figure it out, Nat. Because whatever this is, it's not just about you anymore. You've got people depending on you."
Her words stayed with me the rest of the day, gnawing at me as I went through the motions of cleaning up and trying to get back to normal. I didn't have the luxury of falling apart, not with Mae and Mali counting on me. But deep down, I knew this wasn't something I could just push aside.
———————————
After a few days of recovery, I stood outside the gates of the Tharaporn estate, steeling myself to face Niran again. My body still felt a little off—a lingering fatigue that I couldn't quite shake—but I couldn't afford to take more time off. Mae and Mali were counting on me, and the money from these sessions was too good to pass up.
As the gate buzzed open, a familiar guard greeted me. "Welcome back, Nat," he said with a nod, motioning me inside.
I walked through the pristine garden, its beauty almost mocking the storm inside my mind. The crisp scent of freshly cut grass mixed with the faint fragrance of the flowers, a stark contrast to the tense knot in my stomach. I knew the risks of continuing these sessions, but I also knew I couldn't let fear dictate my decisions.
When I reached the patio, Niran was already there, seated under the same tree where we'd had many of our sessions. He was holding a sketchpad, idly doodling as P'Sang stood nearby, ever watchful. Niran glanced up when he saw me, his expression unreadable.
"You're la-" he stopped as he looked up at me, there was hint of concern in his eyes.
"You look horrible," he said his voice edged with concern.
"Why do you look like that?" He asked.
"Like what?" I replied scratching the back of my head confused.
"You look like a zombie, the dark circles under your eyes are bigger, you look you've aged 10 years." He pointed out.
I sighed running my fingers through my hair, "are we going to do the session or not?" I asked already stressed.
"You can go home, I don't think I want to work a person who Is obviously sick and tired." He replied.
"I'm fine, I can still do my job." I replied, "I said you can go home, you're obviously still sick."
"Go and get some rest." He said grabbing his sketch book and walked away, Sang looked at me slightly nodded and followed behind.
I stood there for a moment, staring after Niran as he disappeared into the house with P'Sang trailing behind him. His dismissal stung more than I cared to admit, not because it was harsh but because it was laced with something unexpected—concern. Still, it didn't change the fact that I'd just lost a day's worth of pay, and I couldn't afford that right now.
My hands clenched into fists at my sides as frustration bubbled up inside me. I wasn't sure if I was angry at Niran for sending me away or at myself for not being able to hide how worn out I was. Either way, standing around sulking wasn't going to solve anything.
I turned and made my way out of the estate, the weight of my worries pressing down harder with each step. As I reached the bus stop, I pulled out my phone and stared at the blank screen. No messages. No missed calls. Just an empty reminder of how isolated I felt.
The bus ride home was a blur, my mind occupied with thoughts of Mae and Mali. I thought about the empty fridge, the overdue bills, and the way Mali's smile seemed to dim a little more each time I came home empty-handed. I couldn't head home now, not without any money.
As the bus stopped at the next stop I got of, maybe a little time away from home would help me clear my head. I couldn't face Mae and Mali like this, I was on the verge of breaking down and all the work I did to give my mother and sister a stable life felt useless now.
The city buzzed around me as I stepped off the bus, the cool evening air offering little comfort to the storm brewing inside me. The streets were alive with people rushing home, couples laughing, and the occasional street performer drawing a small crowd. It all felt so far removed from the heaviness I carried.
I walked aimlessly, my hands shoved deep into my pockets. The familiar ache of hunger gnawed at my stomach, but I ignored it. I wasn't sure where I was going, but anywhere was better than home right now. I didn't want to see the worry in Mae's eyes or the disappointment I imagined on Mali's face when she realized I hadn't brought anything back.
After a while, I found myself standing in front of a convenience store. The bright fluorescent lights inside cast a harsh glow on the rows of neatly stocked shelves. I hesitated, my reflection staring back at me in the glass door. The person looking back seemed like a stranger—tired, defeated, and on the edge of crumbling.
I stepped inside, the cool air conditioning hitting me as the door chimed. Grabbing a cheap sandwich and a bottle of water, I made my way to the counter, paying with the little cash I had left. I sat on a nearby bench outside, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a small bite. It wasn't much, but it was enough to quiet the emptiness in my stomach for now.
As I ate, my mind wandered back to Niran. His words earlier replayed in my head: "Go and get some rest." He didn't say it harshly, but the concern in his voice had caught me off guard. I wasn't used to people noticing when I was struggling—let alone caring enough to say something.
The sound of laughter pulled me out of my thoughts. A family walked by, their young child clutching a balloon and giggling as his parents playfully argued over which way to go. I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy. That used to be us—me, Mae, Mali, and Dad. Before everything fell apart.
I finished the sandwich and leaned back against the bench, staring up at the darkening sky. The stars were just starting to peek through, faint against the glow of the city lights.
"I can't keep doing this," I muttered under my breath. But the truth was, I didn't have a choice. Mae and Mali were counting on me, and I couldn't let them down. No matter how hard things got, I had to keep going.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up and started walking again, this time heading in the direction of home. I didn't feel any better, but I couldn't stay away forever. Mae and Mali needed me—even if I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold myself together.
——————
Once I got back home Mali was already sleeping while Mae was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes, "I'm back." I said taking off my shoes and jacket.
"You're oddly late today, did you eat?" Mae asked.
I slightly smiled a nodded, "did you guys eat anything?" I asked. "We are the few we had left, Mali was complaining on having the same food for 4 days." She replied.
"Don't worry, I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow, she won't nag you anymore." I slightly smiled assuring her.
She suddenly pulled me into a hug, "I'm so sorry for everything, you're still young you should be living your life." She said.
"If only I was a better mother." She cried, I gently patted her back feeling her pain. "Mae, you did all you can to provide for us. So just let me take care of everything, I don't know what I would do without you here." I said.
"If only your father didn't die, you wouldn't have to suffer like this." She said pulling away from the hug.
Her words hit me like a blow to the chest, but I kept my expression steady. I'd heard her say this before, but it didn't make it any easier. "Mae, please don't say that," I said gently, looking into her tear-filled eyes. "We can't change what happened. Dad would want us to keep moving forward, not dwell on the past."
She wiped at her tears with the back of her hand, her lips trembling as she tried to compose herself. "I just wish things could be easier for you, Nat. You've sacrificed so much for us."
"And I'd do it again without hesitation," I replied firmly. "You and Mali are my family, Mae. Everything I do, it's for you two."
Mae gave a shaky smile, though the sadness didn't fully leave her eyes. "You're a good son, Nat. I'm so proud of you."
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak without my voice cracking. "I'll go check on Mali," I said after a moment, excusing myself and heading toward the small bedroom I shared with my sister.
Mali was curled up on her side, clutching her worn-out stuffed rabbit. Her soft breaths were steady, her face peaceful in sleep. I knelt down beside her bed, adjusting the blanket to make sure she was warm enough.
"Sleep well, Mali," I whispered, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face. "I'll make things better for you. I promise."
TBC