Dean sat in the waiting room, getting agitated. The doctor was already 10 minutes behind and just wanted to get out of there. The doctor opened the door and invited him in.
Hi Dean, I'm Lola. Or would you prefer agent Carron?
Whatever you want.
Ok. Well, I'm going to call you Dean, and you're going to call me Lola. Sound good?
Yeah, guess so.
So why are you here today?
I'm here because the higher-ups said I needed to be here.
OK. Not that I don't mind the referral. But when somebody is referred to me, there is an issue at hand. So why don't I get to know you and figure out why you're here?
You wanna know why I'm here?
I'm here because of my boss and my coworkers and my sister and her fucking girlfriend. Who is also Allie's best friend? They seem to think I came back from an assignment and I "wasn't myself," quote, unquote.
Okay, Dean, why do you think they're saying that?
I don't know because when I left, I was kind of a pussy, and then I came back, and I'm actually a man.
OK, what is your definition of being a man?
You know. I'm just not a pushover anymore.
But you have friends and family concerned about your mental well-being as far as a severe shift in attitude. Are you saying an assignment nurtured it? Can you tell me anything about the assignment?
Well. Do we have doctor-patient privilege right?
Yes, we do. Unless you kill someone, and they must subpoena your medical records, there is doctor-patient confidentiality.
Alright, well, I got assigned to an op in California.
Well, before this, I was engaged to a woman. The world's most beautiful woman. We were four months away from our wedding.
OK? Why don't you tell me about this girl? Let's start with her name.
Her name is Allie. Well, Alexsandra.
Alexsandra
It means protector of men or something like that.
Allie and I met very casually. We had a one-night stand. We ended up crossing paths again a couple of months later. I was put on a case that she was working on. It was a joint task force. She had told me she was a personal trainer, and later, I found out she was a detective with the Cleveland police department and a retired marine.
Oh, a retired marine? Well, that is interesting.
Yeah, she was the dominant one in the relationship. She was an MP to start in the core, and then she moved on to being a scout sniper. So, she had issues, you know, being a murderer and all.
That's how you saw her. You saw her as a murderer.
No, I didn't see her as a murderer. I know it was her job, just like if she had to shoot somebody on duty at the police department. You know? It's her job.
OK, but you just referred to her as a murderer.
You know what, Lola do we need to argue about semantics here?
No, let's not get too far into that, so tell me a little more well when
I told her about the assignment. She kind of, you know, went crazy, and she called everything off. Our relationship, engagement, talking to each other.
OK, why would she do that?
It was an undercover op, and it was so elusive that I would not have been able to talk to or communicate with her in any way. And she felt like she couldn't handle the stress of not knowing what was going on with me. I believe she wasn't truly in love with me. She will be eternally in love with her spotter. His name was, get this, Malibu; his real name was Ken, and he was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy from Malibu.
OK, that makes perfect sense to me. What else while?
She saw him get murdered. He was murdered. She was standing right next to him. He was shot in the throat. Then she had to hide from the sniper who shot him. She became resolute that she was going to die. She said she didn't mind; she didn't know if she wanted to live without him. Now, here she was, completely willing to live without me.
Well, that had to be highly life-altering for her. But Dean, do you realize you would rather her die than be without you?
Dean thought about it, but he then said nothing.
Dean? Do you realize--
He cut her off. He was angry.
Yeah, so.
Why do you think she is still in love with this Malibu?
I can just feel it, you know? It's like his ghost is hanging around or something. I can't play a secondary role to a ghost.
Has she ever made you feel like you were secondary?
He was quiet.
Dean, has she ever made you feel that way?
Looking back, no. I guess it's more about her wanting to keep his memory alive.
What if you had died while on your op? Would you have wanted your memory to die? Would you have wanted her to just forget about her love for you?
Dean again stayed quiet.
Let's move to a different topic and sideline Malibu. Tell me more about this undercover op.
Well. I had to infiltrate a business.
OK?
What kind of business?
It was a meth ring, and I had to go deep undercover.
What made you the right agent for the job?
I'm a forensic accountant.
Yes, I see that in your file.
They needed an accountant to consider my size; they thought it would be advantageous since I could double as muscle.
OK. I am understanding so far.
Well, the first few weeks I was there, it was normal. I was fine. I was, you know, just being me, getting the job done. Things were moving right along smoothly. I was only five weeks in, and my boss and his team decided that I needed to get laid, and that's exactly how they put it, no disrespect.
Did something happen to make him think this?
I seemed agitated. I am sure that this was more than true because of my situation.
Makes sense.
And I have this playlist that I was constantly playing.
Playlist? Give me some insight. Tell me what is on this playlist. Music sparks memories.
He took out his phone and opened his Spotify. He handed her the phone. The playlist was named Sempre Fidelis Allie.
Interesting name you chose for your playlist. Forever Faithful Allie.
Allie has a thing for Latin.
Really? And Semper Fi is the creed of the Marine Corps. Okay. Well, your song choices say something about your state of mind.
Change The World: Finger Eleven
Say You Won't Let Go: James Arthur.
That's our song, was our song, he said.
Here Without You: Three Doors Down
That's what was playing when my boss got into the car.
Oh, so this is when he said you needed to get laid?
He said I was too hung up on Allie, though he called her a Broad. Pissed me off something wicked.
"Lost In the Moment: Big and Rich," he smiled. "We danced to that the night she finally confessed to remembering the first night we spent together. She also told me that she was never going to get married."
Lola smiled. She could tell the love he had for Allie.
I Knew I Loved You: Savage Garden
What Hurts the Most: Rascal Flatts
I'll Be Loving You (Forever): New Kids on the Block.
You're a fan of NKTOB?
He looked a little embarrassed.
"My sister introduced me to them. You must admit, the songs are catchy."
Closer: Nine Inch Nails
That seems out of place.
Dean just smiled.
Need You Now: Lady A
Wherever You Will Go: The Calling
My Wish: Rascal Flatts
I'm Movin' On: Rascal Flatts
How You Remind Me: Nickelback
With or Without You: U2
Whisky Lullaby: Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss
Dean, how did you pick these songs? Did you pick them all at once?
I did when I first started it out. Then, I would listen to songs and add them.
Do you see the shift in your attitude?
What do you mean?
Well, you start with songs that express love and longing. Then, as time passed, your attitude toward your relationship changed.
If you want to read into it.
Reading into things is my job, Dean. It's been said that music speaks for us when we don't know what to say. Dean, music conveys emotions. It makes us feel. Did you know that listening to sad songs will only increase that feeling if you're sad? The same goes for happy songs and sultry songs. Did you ever stop listening to this playlist altogether?
Yeah, after a while. I made a different one to listen to.
Can I see that one?
He looked a little apprehensive.
Do you really think this is necessary?
If you don't want to show me, that's fine. But I want you to look over what you chose to listen to instead of your other list.
He handed her the phone back.
Beer Never Broke My Heart: Luke Combs
Porn Star Dancing: My Darkest Days
That one is actually one of Allie's favorites.
Lola raised her eyebrows.
Casual Sex: My Darkest Days
Shake That: Eminem & Nate Dogg
Shots: LMFAO
The Monster: Eminem & Rihanna
Get Off: Prince
She handed the phone back.
I have seen enough to grasp the point. Dean, look at that list. Do you see an evolution happening?
He read it over. I guess I can see where you're coming from.
When did you stop listening?
It was around my fourth or fifth F4.
What is an F4?
You can call it my bosses' creed. It's a little foul.
You embraced this creed, correct?
Find em.' Feel em.' Fuck em.' Forget Em."
That's a new one for me. So, what was your fourth? Or fifth?
I don't want to answer that question.
Okay.
So, let's bring this back to the subject at hand. What happened after they told you that you needed to release your sexual frustration?
They took me to the club they owned. I was uncomfortable. They talked about women like they were pieces of meat; they called them appetizers or tail or--
You know what? I get it. I don't need to continue with that. Then what happened?
Well, they were ordering drinks, and I told them that I was good. The boss basically said, "No, you are going to have a drink." So, I ordered what I thought they wouldn't have: a Fur Ineta. 2017, which they did have. They bought me three bottles that I drank over three hours.
OK? So, you got inebriated and made an unwise decision. Something you regret.
Yeah, except it wasn't strictly all the alcohol that led me to my wrong decision.
What else was it, Dean?
Well, they started passing around the cocaine. Again, I was going to refuse, but before I left for the op my boss had told me short of murdering someone, I was supposed to do anything and everything I could to gain their trust and make sure that they never questioned whether or not I was all in.
OK, so you did it because you didn't want to blow your cover? How much of that did you have that night?
Well, when I was at the club, I had three lines. Then I was afraid.
Why were you afraid?
Because I enjoyed the feeling of it, I liked it. I wanted more.
What was this mistake? Was it doing the drugs that you considered the mistake?
I consider doing the drugs as a necessity for the situation at hand.
OK, so what was the mistake, Dean?
I had promised myself I would stay faithful to Allie until I got home. I needed to see if there was still something we could do to salvage the relationship.
That is very noble of you and very loyal.
Don't compliment me too much.
I'm going to assume you did not stick to your original plan.
I was there for five weeks. I lasted all five weeks and then went to that Sus pool of a club. I did the blow, and then I saw this woman. She reminded me of Allie, her hair, her body. I was incredibly lonely. I had been in this committed relationship for so long and was always with Allie. We were always together. Our affection for each other and our dedication to each other was unparalleled.
OK, so dedication and loyalty and feelings that were unparalleled but yet--
But yet I called the girl over and did a body shot with her, and that is. That was the catalyst for my infidelity.
OK? Why do you consider it infidelity if you were not with her at the time?
Because I was still hopelessly in love with her.
OK, and because you made this promise to yourself, do you feel like you betrayed yourself?
I never looked at it that way.
So, you slept with this woman that evening?
I slept with this woman about 45 minutes after meeting her. That's just not me.
He stood up and started pacing.
I had been with three women, one of them Allie. I am not a one-night stand sort of man.
And, of course, your bosses didn't care?
Yes. Before I left, Allie told me I would have to do things that go against my beliefs, morals, and mores. I never considered doing drugs. I never even took anything stronger than a stiff drink. When my sister broke her back and was prescribed Oxycontin, I made sure that she didn't have the temptation to abuse them. I had seen what it could do, how it can ruin lives. I didn't want her going down that road and here. Now, here I am. I had to go to rehab. I did it around them like I needed to, but then I started doing it alone. I just became an addict, and it only got worse.
So, you slept with this woman.
Yes, I did. Multiple times.
Dean, did you have any feelings for her besides the initial attraction because she looked like your ex-fiancé?
All I felt was loneliness and loss.
Why did you stay with her? Why didn't you just have one and done?
Well, she did become an integral part of the investigation.
I can understand. Dean, if you had a faux relationship with this woman because it would help with your investigation, I wouldn't feel too guilty about continuing it. I'm not saying initiating this relationship the way you did was the right thing to do, but it did turn out to be the right thing to do. You need to forgive yourself. Do you understand?
Well, that's not all. While I was with this woman in our faux relationship, I had a couple more F4 evenings. I did it because I wanted to. Not because I had to. I was high, I was lonely, and then after a while, I just craved the sex.
So, you are saying that the loneliness, the drugs, and a feeling of lust caused you to engage sexually with a few other women.
It was more than a few.
How many was it?
Do I need to tell you that?
No. Saying it out loud to another person may help relieve some of the weight you're dealing with. But no, you don't.
Thirty-six
Oh my! She exclaimed. I'm sorry, but I did not mean to say it that way. That was unbelievably unprofessional to me. I am just taking a back. You started the conversation by saying you are not a one-night stand guy.
It's OK. I understand.
How do you feel about the fact that you did sleep with these women?
I felt nothing, just sex.
OK, so just sex.
If you were still in the relationship with Allie, would you have had these moments with these other women?
I've been asking myself the same thing. It's insane. I'm blaming all of this on drugs and loneliness and loss. If I did do it because of that, then together or not, I would have done it, or then it's just that it's an excuse.
During these escapades, were you able to stop thinking about Allie?
To be honest, I did think of Allie. When I was in a relationship with the woman, I used her as a surrogate, and every time we were together, I would think of her.
How about the other women?
I would forget about her after the 5th or 6th line of blow kicked.
Have you told Allie about these indiscretions, or do you feel it's unnecessary since you are no longer together?
When I was in rehab, we did the 12-step program, and I kind of rushed to the 7th step about making amends. I wrote her a letter explaining the bulk of it. She needed to know why I wasn't home yet. I told her I would not be upset if she were with someone, even if it was Alvarez.
Who is Alvarez?
Alex Alvarez. He and Allie used to date years ago. He was in love with her, and he's still in love with her. My stupidity opened the door for him to walk in, so they are together.
Allie and I met when we had a one-night stand, and we crossed paths again a couple of months later. It was a joint task force.
Allie is a heavy drinker. I would call her a binge drinker. She drinks till she blackouts out. She took me back to her apartment, and I was under the impression that there was some sort of a connection with us, and this wasn't going just to be, as she put it, one one-night-only offer. When we met again at the crime scene, she did not know who I was. She didn't recognize me at all. When someone looks into my eyes, they remember me.
If I'm not interrupting, why do you think Allie drinks to the point of blackouts and has these one-night stands?"
I can't speak for her, but in my unprofessional opinion, having been with her as long as I have, I'm sure it is a product of her PTS. She dislikes remembering things because she's afraid she might remember something good.
Dean, that is a very constructive answer, and you may very well not be wrong. Please continue.
After we had worked together for several weeks, we met at another bar. It was a different bar than we had previously met. She was being harassed or having unwanted advances made, and when I had come back from the restroom. She told the man I was her boyfriend and she kissed me. Really kissed me. And things started to escalate. Keep in mind, as far as I know, she still doesn't remember anything from the night we first met. I initially said that I did not think making out was a good idea. She said a little kissing wouldn't be a problem as far as she was concerned. I looked into her eyes and thought to myself, this is my second chance at a one-night stand, then the last time wouldn't be a one-night stand anymore. She told me flat out there was no potential for a relationship. I wanted to make sure she wanted to do this. She wanted me to be sure since she was taking advantage of me and using my emotions against me. That's how she put it. So, I kissed her, not her kissing me. It went further. A lot further than just a little kissing. We enjoyed it immensely, even though I knew it most likely would not happen again. She's just so intoxicating. Lola, I'm helpless when I'm with her.
So, you feel like less of a man because she takes charge?
I wouldn't put it that way. She typically is the aggressor in the situation. She's used to being a leader and having other people follow her lead.
Could your one-night stands be done because you chose to do them? You chose to lead, and these other women followed blindly. You told them that there would be nothing further. You could let them down the way Allie has let you down.
I never really looked at it that way. That's possible.
Now, you are finishing your second one-night stand; how did you part ways? Was it just, "Hey, thanks?" Did you go back into the bar? Did you go to her house? Did you go to your house?
Well, she asked what we should do now after we were done, and it seemed like she didn't want it to be over. Actually, she sounded disappointed. It got awkward after we were all said and done.
What did you say when it was done?
I said it was a very spontaneous and unforgettable experience. Then she took her Uber home, and I drove myself home. We have amazing sex. It was like we were created for each other. Have you ever heard the story about the origin of the soulmate?
I do. It's quite beautiful.
Did she recall anything about that night? She remembered the entire thing. She used the word, unfortunately. She said it was unfortunate because we were co-workers, and she didn't want to be this unprofessional.
Can you give me some insight into what happened the night you told her you had to leave?
We had the perfect night together, and after we made love, I told her about being reassigned to California and that they wanted me to work on a UC assignment.
What exactly is UC?
I'm sorry, Undercover. She was angry, didn't want me to go, and was concerned about who I would be when I got back.
OK, so we have come full circle on this. How do you feel after telling your story?
You're going to do the whole shrink. How do you feel thing?
Dean, I am the one with the PhD. How do you feel?
I feel like even with the tough times I had with her, I don't want to be without her. I can live without her, but I don't want to. I left, upset and not knowing what was going to happen. I came back and was convinced she wouldn't be faithful, but she was. She was up until I sent that stupid letter to her, and she was so hurt that I basically pushed her into the arms of Alvarez. He was her support system, helping her with whatever she needed. I just discovered they ended up together, and it's serious.
How did you find that out?
Her best friend, who is also my sister's girlfriend, told me. She was actually telling me off.
Did you deserve that at the time?
I didn't think so. I thought she was being irrational, but looking back, maybe I did. She said some things that made sense and some that I disagreed with.
OK, is there anything else?
The day she told me off, I came home, and my little sister was leaving my house. She was disappointed in me. She couldn't even look at me anymore, so she moved in with Makayla. I called my little sister a horrible name. Up until seven months ago, I would have never said to a woman. Especially not my baby sister.
What did you call her Dean?
I don't want to say it out loud.
What did you call her? What hurt her?
I called her a whiny bitch. And I asked her what the fuck was wrong with her. God, I hurt her so badly. I made her cry. I spent every day of her life protecting her. Now, I was the one hurting her.
Have you spoken to her since?
No. She won't talk to me. I miss her. We were so close.
I would like to talk more about you and your sister--
Natalie. Her name is Natalie. I call her Bug.
He started to cry a little. Lola handed him a tissue.
Dean, I want you to do some homework for me.
Dean groaned.
I want you to write Allie a letter. You do not have to give her the letter. If you want to, you can, but you need to tell her how you felt in California and why you chose to talk to her about your misgivings. The relationship with Alvarez should be mentioned elsewhere. Even though you said you wanted her not to be lonely, there is clearly some animosity between you and him. You cannot blame her for having that relationship. You are in no position to be angry at her for it. You should come back to see me. We need to dig deeper into the undercover personality taking you over. You immersed yourself in a world you were not accustomed to and were very easily manipulated. Honestly, you are not fit to do undercover work. If they do ask about one ain, I suggest you have them contact me. We do not need this to happen again. We need to find Dean. Dean loved his fiancé, Dean, who respected women, loved his sister, and got along with his friends and coworkers. He is in there, but we need to find him.
I would give everything to find him. Sometimes, I feel like I have, and then this evil emerges. I don't even realize it sometimes.
That is because it has taken over a specific part of your thinking process. I will sign the letter telling your bosses that you are fit to return for duty. However, it is contingent on whether you continue to see me. If you choose not to, I will pull my recommendation. Do you understand?
Yeah, I understand you're blackmailing me.
See Dean, there he is. Do you really think I'm blackmailing you, or do you think I am trying desperately to help you?
Dean said nothing.
It was nice to meet you, and I look forward to seeing you again.
Lola stood up, they shook hands, and she