"Honey, I'm home!"
Alex called out when he walked into her apartment.
Oh, great, Enrique Iglesias is home.
"Malibu, you know Enrique Iglesias is Spanish? He was born in Madrid. How many times do I need to tell you? Alex is Latino."
Sorry, I'll apologize to Jose Cuervo.
"That is Mexican. You are insufferable." She couldn't help but giggle.
Yeah, I know now, but I'm not going away. Not yet.
She walked out into the living room from the bedroom.
"Hey there," she said.
"I got your prescription and stopped and picked up some of that peanut butter ice cream you like."
"I really appreciate that, but I am gaining so much weight, and the baby is not getting any bigger. I am."
"Allie, you are pregnant. You need to remember what the doctor told you, OK? I can still see ab muscle, so don't give me that crap about you getting bigger," he said. How is Peanut doing?" He put his hands on her bump. "Has there been kicking?"
"Yes, she is rolling around like playing in the snow."
"I can't wait to make snow angels with--" He stopped, and his face fell. "You know, now and then, I forget that I am not the daddy. At least I am a surrogate for you and Peanut."
"You will always be in their life. You can make snow angels, snowmen, and many snowballs."
He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but he could feel something still there, so he just stayed quiet.
"Did you happen to grab the mail when you came in?"
"Actually, I did. There is something in there from a New Horizon Clinic in Riverbank, California. Do you know anyone who might live in Riverbank? Maybe from the military?" he asked.
"I don't think so, but I haven't kept in touch with anyone," she said. "You know what, I did know a Staff Sergeant who lived in Modesto."
He handed her the letter. "Well, there's only one way to find out," he said.
Allie turned the letter over in her hands, tore the end off, and slid it out. She opened it slowly and then handed it back to Alex.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"What's wrong is that is Dean's handwriting. I would know it from anywhere."
"Are you joking?"
Do I look like Rosie O'Donnell?
He shrugged his shoulders. He held his middle and index finger slightly apart as if to say, a little.
"You're an ass! I'm not as big as the one you have," he said.
Oh, snap. You know Lopez is funny.
"People like big butts, and they cannot lie."
"Well, baby, got back."
He walked into the living room, slapping her ass on the way.
"Oooooo, squishy," he said. "Come on. Sit with me." He patted the couch.
"You need to read this. You've been here waiting for him all this time. If he's writing to you, the OP is over. He's coming home."
Garcia is right.
"Dear God, call him Alex. I call you Ken, he calls me Allie, and you call me Allie. We are all basically living together, so let's all play nice and be on a first-name... real-first-name basis."
He must love you, Allie, because Sanchez has been sleeping on an uncomfortable pull-out bed for the last… how far along are you?
24 weeks.
SOOO, the last… He counted on his fingers. Carry the one… about two and a half months. Ruiz has been fucking up his back for over two months.
"You're never going to call him Alex, are you?"
Only when I run out of Latino last names.
"This is my life," she grumbled.
Alex patted the couch again. "Come on. I know you're nervous, but let's see when he comes home," he said. "How about this? I'll read it first."
"That's not a horrible idea."
"I have promising ideas every now and then."
"Let me know when that happens," she quipped.
She sat down. He read the letter to himself, his facial expressions cycling with emotion. After a few minutes, he folded the letter and looked at her.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea."
"What's not a good idea?" she asked.
"For you to read this letter,"
"Alex, please just read the letter to me. How bad could it be? He's finally coming home."
"I can't let you read this. This is not OK. There are things you are not going to want to hear."
Oh my God, what is in this letter?
Please. Just read me the letter, Alvarez.
Snap, she's getting serious now, Ortiz.
He took a deep breath. "Allie, I beg of you don't-"
"Look, Alex read the damn letter, I am hormonal and cranky. My feet hurt, and I had to pee thirteen times today. And it's been 171 days (about five and a half months) since I have had sex. One thing out of everything I can control is my choice to have you read me the letter."
Alex started reading Allie the letter.
Malibu was standing behind him, reading over his shoulder.
*My dearest Buttercup,
I'm writing to you because I cannot use my phone right now. I want you to know that I am fine. My participation in the case has ended, and I will be coming home soon—I don't know how soon. There are things from the case that you can say need to be dealt with.*
So far, this is good news.
*It was a long six months—to me, it felt like six years. I could only imagine how long it felt to you not knowing what was happening with me. From what I am being told, I should be back in a couple of weeks if everything goes as planned. I hope you received my wire transfer.*
Did he send you a wire transfer?
"Ummm, yes."
How much was this wire transfer for?
"It was for, umm, none of your damn business dollars and don't ask me again cents. That's how much it was for."
I mean, come on, tell me. Are we living high on the hog or what?
"Can you please just let me listen to this letter, OK?"
Fine.
*I told you I would always care for you and wanted to keep that promise. I thought about you continuously. I would always think of you before I fell asleep. I would replay the fun times and the intimate times (those are my favorite) over and over until I fell asleep. I wanted to ensure that I would have pleasant dreams. I hoped and prayed that you were living your best life, whatever life you chose to live.*
OK, it's still OK.
*Now, the part where I must tell you something. I need to write to you about it because I would never be able to look you in the face, nor are my nuts big enough, and they never will be for me to say this to you.
To start, I am delayed coming home because I am currently at New Horizon Clinic, which is a drug rehabilitation and mental health center.*
Allie's eyes got wide. A look of confusion washed over her face.
*During the duration of the op, I developed not only a narcotic addiction but an intense cocaine addiction. The cocaine started as a necessity to the case, as screwed up as that does sound. I was tested to prove that I was who I said I was and not a cop or someone who would give them trouble.
When I started this whole fucking thing, I vowed that I was going to stay faithful. Unless it was absolutely unavoidable. I didn't care if it was going to be months or years. I wanted to keep myself for you. Natalie may have told you. We had a lengthy conversation on the way to the airport. I would do it until I knew we had no hope of reconciling. I hoped she would tell you and you would decide to do the same. You know we are good together and have a love transcending through space and time. I want to be forever yours faithfully.*
Did he quote a Journey song? This will not end well—not if he's laying it on this thick Caretaker.
"Yes, it's our song, you idiot."
"Now, the part that is going to hurt." Alvarez leaned forward and put his hand over his mouth.
"Alex, please keep reading," she said.
NO! Alex, please stop reading.
*If you are going to stop reading this letter for any reason, now would be the time.*
TAKE HIS SUGGESTION!
"Why is this letter coming with a warning label?"
"Allie, I really don't want to keep reading this. I love you too much."
"If you love me, you will want me to know the truth."
*After being there for a few weeks, I did something I will forever regret and never be able to forgive myself, let alone expect you to forgive me. It did help move the case along faster, but I didn't know it would be beneficial when it first came about.*
Why do I have a feeling came is the operative word.
"JESUS CHRIST MALIBU!"
*I know now that I was not fit for UC work. I am too naive and too easily manipulated. I know you are aware of how UC OPS can go. You tried to tell me, and I thought you were blowing things out of proportion and overly dramatic.*
"Allie, please don't make me keep reading this to you."
"I need to know, Alex," she was almost begging him.
"Alright. If you're sure."
*I developed not only a substance abuse issue but also a… this is so hard to say. Remember, I love you, and I know you love me. Please remember how in love we are. You know I would die for you.*
Nope. No. You are no longer getting this letter read to you, Alexandra. But you're not listening to me, so carry on. I mean, why start now?
*I started an unnecessary relationship with a woman, but as I said, it ended up helping me break the case. She reminded me of you the first time I saw her. Not that it makes it right. It just happened, and it happened extremely fast. I do not love her. I could never love her. And I didn't love any of the other women either. Any of them. I guess you can say I became addicted to women. I think it had a lot to do with the drugs, but that is not a valid excuse. A large part of me, well now all of me, hopes to God you chose to move on from our relationship. Even if it was with Alvarez. How is the little cock sucker, by the way?*
Alex could see her shaking. She was trying hard to keep calm, but inside, she was ding. He just ripped her heart out. This couldn't be. He told Natalie he was going to remain faithful at all costs. The anger was knocking her over like rouge waves. When she thought she could breathe once more, she was mistaken.
"He's calling you a derogatory name? Oh, that's rich!" she exclaimed.
*As long as you were not lonely like I was. I was always safe. The last thing I needed was to become a baby daddy.*
"He's surely going to be fucking surprised!" she said.
Sweet baby Jesus! Was he still high when he wrote this letter? Did he really think this was a good idea?
"Is he justifying this because he was lonely?" she asked.
"You were lonely, too. I'm not saying it's a valid reason," Alex said.
DUDE! Whose side are you on?
"Yeah, but I ended up on anti-depressants. I didn't end up under someone."
I could have easily ended up under you. And trust me, the thought sure crossed my mind. A few times. OK, several times. Give or take.
Naughty little caretaker.
"That was a private thought!"
"You had me." He put her hand in his.
"And I didn't end up under you. Did I?" she said, raising her voice.
*There were times, more often than not, I wish I had just quit my fucking job and stayed home with you. God knows I can have afforded to. I could have afforded the best lawyers in the country to keep me out of FCI Elkton*
"How could he have afforded it?" he asked.
"Don't worry about it; just please keep reading."
*If I did, my life would not be as messed up now. We could have been married by now and close to celebrating our two-month anniversary. Didn't we almost have it all? I know you'll never love me that way again. Loving you makes life worth living. I have nothing now because I don't have you.*
If I did, my life would not be as messed up as it is now. I could have had it all. I could be with you. We could have been married by now and close to celebrating our two-month anniversary. I have nothing if I don't have you.*
Whitney Houston. Really. Does he have anything in his vocabulary but 80′s slow jams!
*I am sure I will never have you in my life again after you read this. You never have to forgive me for what I've done and failed to do. You are not my priest. I know now why you feel it necessary to do penance for your past continuously. However, your past was not always your choice. My past is 100% my doing, my choice, my mistake.*
"Holy shit. It's Ian all over again." Her mouth hung open. "How is this happening to me?" She held in a sob.
"I was thinking that myself, but I didn't dare to say it," Alex said.
*When I get back, I hope I can see you. I do not expect you to want to see me, and I completely understand why. I have to go; it's time for group share. Personally, I think it is a fucking waste of time if you ask me.*
Nobody asked you fuck face.
Eternally Yours,
Cowboy