A cold breeze greeted me as I opened the door to the rooftop of our school.
Although it's not really allowed to go here, I don't really care. I've once thought about jumping down from here. Not for any particular reason though, but I also have no reason to live nor die.
I sat at the railings and continued to hum my song.
It's been a while indeed, since I've visited the rooftop. Since when Haru entered my life, I've had a reason to stay in that room. Looking down from above, the students are already leaving. Smiling and laughing, some even running excitedly going out.
"Beach," One word suddenly crossed my mind and came straight out of my mouth.
I don't have a particular reason to go to the beach but I guess it's beautiful. I've never been there alone though, I've only came there once with Haru.
"Beach?" I looked behind me to see Kaede standing there, hands on his pockets. "Wanna go there then?"
His always messy hair is being carried to the right by the wind.
"Why are you here?"
"Why not?" He approached and sat beside me on the railing.
"You don't usually come here."
"I knew that Haru's not here to visit you after school so I came looking for you," He said as he waves a chocolate milk drink at me. "I've missed hanging out with you, you know. Yamamoto's been taking all your time."
I took the drink he gave and patted him in the head.
"I have too, but not right now," His smile turned into a frown after I replied to him.
⁰-⁰
A week has passed and today concludes the last day of school. The train back home that me and Kaede's in right now is quite empty for some reason. Kaede, resting his head on my shoulder is asleep again.
The train, even though it's almost empty sounds very loud. But slowly, that sound becomes muffled, slowly and slowly until it's filled with silence.
The silence was interrupted by my phone ringing. An unknown number is calling me.
"Hello? Is this Hibiki?" A gentle voice coming from a woman on the phone asked, right after accepting the call. Her voice suddenly reminded me of one person, one that hates me the most. It's Haru's mother.
"It's been a while," Haru's mother continued. Hearing her voice, I suddenly felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
"Good afternoon ma'am, it's me Hibiki. Did you find anything about Haru?" I asked as I felt my hands unknowingly shake. There was a brief silence until I heard a shatter from the other side of the phone.
"He's dead.. he's fucking dead. I bet you have something to do with this don't you? I told you to stay away from him you little.." It's fuzzy, I can't hear what she says well. I'm trapped inside my own mind thinking about what she just said. Haru's mother rambles on as she screams and weeps. I don't know what to do. I hung up.
The sky that was just sunny and beautiful slowly became dark and thundery. I heard a news report about a storm coming on our way from the corner of the train.
I look back at Kaede, still resting on my shoulder. Water droplets suddenly fell at Kaede's hands that are on my lap, I quickly wiped them with my own uniform. But some kind of warm water suddenly rolled down my face. No this isn't just water. Is this tears? Are these tears?
I feel nothing, nothing at all yet these unruly tears keep on coming out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's happening. I feel as if I'm falling down a black void filled with nothingness, nothing to be with, nothing to hold on to.
Suddenly, someone held my hands, it's Kaede. Looking at me with a concerned look on his face.
I found myself hugging Kaede while my 'tears' kept on gushing out, falling into his shoulder as I held him. His body is warm. He held me back tightly as I continued on 'crying'.
I woke up to tears, making my sight blurry. I wiped it off and realized that I'm already back home. I don't even remember how I got home but that isn't important right now. My thoughts got cut off as I realized that Kaede's beside me in my bed.
"Kaede, wake up," I called out while he continued on sleeping. I sat up and left the bed but I felt dizzy after a few steps. I should make breakfast now but I still feel heavy.
I entered the kitchen, put some bread on the toaster and tried cracking an egg. But that feeling is still there, it feels heavy, painful and suffocating.
I can't seem to function properly. Is this what it feels to be sad? Or something more? I sat down and pulled up my legs close to my face. Covering my face that's already covered with tears. I don't know why I feel like this but it feels weird. It's weird that I even feel weird or sad, knowing that I've never felt anything my whole life. The way Haru calls my name suddenly crossed my mind.
"Hibiki. Hibiki? Hibiki!"
How weird of me think or say this but.
"Please, say my name again.."
"Hibiki?" A voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. "Stand up would you.. go back to your bed."
I looked up, my eyes followed Kaede's face as he started sitting down the floor too.
I looked into his eyes that already lost their life a long time ago. He held my hand reassuringly as he helped me back to my bed.
⁰-⁰
Humans are confusing, they really are. I don't consider myself a human. To me, you need emotions to be human. Well, I do think I'm slowly becoming one. I hope so.
The sounds of cars from below and loud talking of people can be heard from up here on the rooftop of my building's apartment, though it's a little muffled. The view here is good but I barely go here.
I hear footsteps coming from behind my back drawing closer. I turned back to look and saw Kaede standing there, looking at me with his dead-like eyes.
"Don't jump," He says in a worried tone. A cold breeze suddenly brushed through my face while my hair got carried by the wind.
"Huh?" I looked at him with a confused face. I slowly realized that I'm already standing on top of the railing, so he probably misunderstood. "Oh. Not yet don't worry," I followed.
We got back to my apartment as he put down his bag, it seems like he was just back from his part time job.
"The new job I got is really exhausting. But whatever, you should dress up," He lied down my bed, staring at me as we both looked at each other while we were both on my bed.
"Alright," I replied while he only continued on staring. "Get out of my room first or do you wanna see me naked?"
"Where are you taking me?" I asked as he held my hand while we crossed a big, busy street. The euphoric scent of the place that the rain left behind took over my senses.
I just wore a big orange jacket, basic but easy to move in. While Kaede's wearing pants and a black compression shirt under his black leather jacket that I gave him on his birthday. I also noticed that he's also wearing some other things that I gave him. A silver necklace and the other partner of the earrings that I always wear. This is probably what he always looks like while not at school or work.
He looks like a celebrity, while I look like his assistant or something.
"Wait, it's already midnight, have you slept?"
"I don't know either." Kaede replied to my question with a big smile on his face.
"What?"
"I just wanna explore for a bi-"
"Hey Kaede!" Someone called out, interrupting Kaede.
He held my hand tighter.
"Oh, hello." He turned back to talk to a friend of his.
The street that was already busy got even busier and louder.
My hand suddenly left Kaede's and after a second, he was gone.
"Kaede?" I called out but I failed to find him.
A white cat stood out amongst the crowd, looking at me across the street, seemingly trying to get noticed. I followed it and it sat down on a bench.
As people passed by, I sat down with the white cat, and it sat down on my lap asking for pats.
The sun is already rising and I'm still waiting.
"Hibiki!" A voice called out. "Hey are you okay? Where were you?" He asks in a worried voice as runs towards me. A guitar case is on his back and his friend from before stood beside him.
"I don't know," I replied in my usual monotone voice. "You were gone when I turned back."
He hurriedly held my hand again, making me stand up and said goodbye to his friend.
"Oh and thank you! But we gotta go now. See you next time!"
He looked back towards me, held my hand tighter, and held up to my face for me to see.
"You should've just held my hand tighter you know," He lectured while pouting.
"Don't worry. A cat accompanied me," I said while he just looked confused. My gaze, fixated on the guitar case on his back.
"Oh this? That person from before was my friend. He recently quit his band so he gave it to me."
His smile got bigger with excitement as he talked about practicing with it more.